She borned from a moderate happy family. She was so happy back then. Things were more much funner and fulled with laughter and joy. She was a cheerful girl that always created smile on her pretty face. Everything worked so much well. The problem that she struggled was just like a cheese sauce on a burger. There was nothing will took her down.
Time was ticking fastly, the time she reached 14 years old... She started shaking..the things was getting so much colder..the rainbow life that she had, slowly becaming cloudy grey.. The school that she used to meet her happy life became a place that reminded her to hell.. She started to loss focus..loss interest on everything.. She seem to smile and laugh but nothing was making her happy or enjoy.. She became sad and down..getting the lazy feel to take shower, or even to take a breakfast.. In the shower, she cried while hugging her small body..thinking about the things that she does not even need to think..
She looked into the mirror, the reflection of her became so sad and gloomy.. she tried so hard to keep the precious smile on her face as to keep her bruise.. Tried to live her life as usual and assuming that she was just taking her problem too much..Things were just same..
Until she reached 17 years old, she got an offered from University to future her study in Business Administration.. Deep down in her heart, she was not interested in business but to make her dearest mother and family, she accepted the offer.. She walked into the University with the biggest smile ever she created on her face.. She felt very happy to see her mom happy..tears running down to her chubby cheeks as her felt so proud with her daughter.. Things were all the same.. She tried so hard to study and keep a good result for her family... But the she study with pressure not a pleasure as business is not her choice..but it is for her family.. However, day by day... The pressure was pushed her a little by little.. Every single day, the pure heart slowly created a scar..
She stucked.. Cried alone.. Unable to sleep in peace.. Living with fake smile.. Lauging outside, hurting inside.. The darkness of 14 years old was flying over her again.. Saying a little 'Hi' to her. She felt so sad..the sadness was all over her.. Her heart was sliced by the sharp darkness..
"no one will never understand me..even me..myself cant even understand me.."
The words..glued into her heart.. The word of 'trust' is ripping apart..the war inside her mind making her lossing her faith.. And she started to created her own world..only her and her dark world..
She knew..it isnt right..she decided to meet a counselor as she thought of her being worst.. She just need her smile again.. But, it was a huge mistake that she had do ever..
"Yes..what can I do for you?"
- counselor
"I feel like..its not me..this body and mind is not from the same person..Im hurting so much.."
-she
"Ohh..you feel so much pressure right now.. Its okay dear, just take a deep breath and face your problem like a man"
-counselor
"The pressure is eating me up..and I cant fight it..im just hurt..please understand me.. I feel down, sad..depressed..im lonely.."
-she
"What makes you depressed?"
-counselor
"How can I know? I feel like living with a dead body everyday.. I started to afraid of people.. I lost my smile..my enjoy life.. Feel like to end this all.."
-she
"It is anxiety..you need to fight it.. Just face everyone bravely...fight the feeling u felt.. You just having a major stress .. You are fine, dear.."
-counselor
The conversation between her and the counselor was still glued in her mind.. The appointment was such a disappointment.. The counselor does not even know and see what inside her.. The "you are fine" words made her broke into tears.. This wasnt anxiety!! She knew!! She just wished to shout to everyone that she hurted but she cant.. She felt so alone...
The time she reached 19 years old, the pressure was becoming worst..the stress was so much.. How much she cried..yelled in her heart.. Making her bleed even more.. The thought of end her life was surrounded her everyday..every night.. The bruised on her wrist was created by her to tell that she stucked..she hurted.. She counted days... Day by day, week to week, month to month...year to year.. This long journey of war making her tired.. The blood that running on her wrist.. Tears on her cheeks.. miserable mind.. Pillow became tissue every night..
Her older sisters..worried about her..she became a whole different girl..the little girl of them..was missing.. Her mother broke into tears..anxious swam into her mind, thinking about her lovely youngest daughter that she raised with fulled of love.. She took her to a doctor as her little girl begged that she felt tired of trying.. She wanted to rest..wanted attention from the everyone..not because she was attention seeker, but to stop people to breaking her sensitive heart.. The relationship between she and her cousins was slowly breaking apart..
She met the doctor..the doctor gave pills..she said that ...
"take these pills..every night..you will recover my dear"
These pills that will remind her how to smile.. She took as her doctor asked..but nothing worked out..she started to feel betrayed..there was so recover! There was no pills that can give her missing happy.. The apppointment was useless..
"cant I just end my life?"
"if I end my life..I will make mummy sad..my family sad"
This story..is about me..the depressive episode that I faced every single day..
I still work on my pills.. Things get stable sometimes.. But, my doctor is a good adviser and listner..and she is a good friend for me.. My use music to distract myself.. Earphone is very important for me..
If you face the same situation with me..comment aboout your feeling.. I can say.. Keep on searching a good psychiatrist.. If u feel uncomfortable with your current doctor..just move to other doctor..
Im still a fighter.. And I wish to survive from this war.. Whoever reading my story.. Even we arent friends.. We arent know each other, I love you.. You are so strong! You fought at a very long time!! So keep on fighting ! The amazing person like you deserve amazing life..
I understand you because..you and I, we face the same situation.. Sad music makes us happy..happy music makes us sad...
Its okay to be late..a good recover is taking a lot of effort.. Take your time in your recovery journey just like me!💓
I recommend for all of you to listen to-
Please don't cut by MikelWJ
Thank you for reading my storyy💓
I love you because you are the best fighter!!💖
Your smile is precious for me..lets smile!💖💓
