The Eyes Behind the Walls

Chapter Seven - Jarren

    They watched the fire blazing, shooting sparks into the sky, swirling and dancing their way up to the moon. The bright blaze wisped around in front of them, gloating with the attention of everyone's eyes staring into the flames. A strong aroma of acid wafted around them, a feeling of nausea settling deep in their stomachs. They watched miserably as their friends, siblings, parents, and lovers all burned. They said their final goodbyes and sobbed, a cloud of melancholy hanging over their heads as their loved ones passed on.
Faces from all around the fire wept, tears pouring down into the dirt below. He watched silently, scanning the faces surrounding him. He had been luckier than most, his family was still here, and most of his friends, too. He looked at Ezra standing next to him, frowning at the expression on her face. He didn't know what to say to her, or if there even was anything he could possibly say to make her feel better. Her fair skin seemed pale and lifeless, her auburn hair contrasting the whiteness of her face. He stood patiently as the inferno slowly died down, and one by one, families returned to their tents to mourn together.
"How are you holding up?" he asked as they strolled toward the trees.
"I'm not quite sure. One minute I'm doing just fine, the next I see something that reminds me of him and I'm back to bawling like a baby," she replied. "Something will happen and I'll go to tell him about it, before I remember that he isn't there. I'll walk through the streets and glimpse a face or someone's hair that's similar to his, and for a split second I'll think it's him."
"I'm so sorry for what happened to you. You deserve more than anyone to have a family, and it's not right," he said as they walked through the compound with ease, no longer having to worry about bumping into people.
"The world's not fair, and as hard as that is to accept, it just isn't. I've had to learn that the hard way. As much as I've tried to accept what happened, I just can't yet. I'm angry at the Raiders for killing him. I'm angry at him for fighting during the attack. I'm angry at myself for hiding away when I could've been helping him. And every night, I'm afraid they'll come back. I hear a baby crying or children running and I panic. I think it's happening all over again, that they've finally returned to finish me off."
She sat on the ground beneath the trees, drawing shapes in the dirt with her finger. He sighed as he watched her, admiring the way the moonlight illuminated her face. His heart broke at the sight of tears swelling in her eyes.
"I haven't slept since that night. Each time I try my mind flashes back to when I was sitting in The Center. I hear the screaming and the rain, the boots pounding against the muddy floor, the sound of the window shattering, until finally I wake up in a pool of sweat."
He stared at her, wishing there was something he could say to take away her pain. Wishing that he had been able to save Oliver. Wishing that the Raiders had never attacked in the first place. She was right, it simply wasn't fair.
"I'm sorry that he's gone, and I'm sorry that you lost your family. But you're not alone in this world. I'm right here with you, and I always will be. I'm not going anywhere, I can promise you that," he reassured her as he offered a small smile.
"I know. I just can't help thinking about why it had to be him.. He was the only family I had left, and now he's gone," she said as she sniffled, a tear dripping slowly down her cheek.
He sat down beside her and wrapped his arm around her shoulders. She tucked her head under his sharp jawline, resting her face on his chest as she cried, soaking his shirt with tears. He placed a gentle kiss on her forehead, comforting her as she sobbed. There was nothing he could say, nothing he could do to help, other than be there for her when she needed him to be, he realized.
Gentle wisps of wind blew her soft auburn hair away from her face. Light green leaves cascaded down around them from the branches above, scattering to the ground around them. The sun shined gently through the clouds overhead, peering down to them. Soft bird chirps rang from above, showering them with their graceful melody. It seemed to Jarren that this was the world's way of apologizing for her wrongdoing, trying to make amends in the only way she knew how.
#
He walked into The Center and up the stairs, sitting down at their table overlooking the room. He grabbed a slice of bread stacked with meat on top, soaked through with the juices and soft enough to eat. He slowly chewed, thinking about his time with Ezra. He looked up at the sound of  his mother walking out of her room.
"Hey honey, how was it? How's Ezra holding up after everything that she's been through?" Evelyn asked, sitting in a chair beside him.
"She's still upset about her brother's death, and rightfully so. I think she'll be grieving for a while, but she's doing much better than when she first found out. She's opened up to me about a lot of what she's going through and what she's feeling, so I think that's a good sign."
"You've been spending a lot of time with her recently," Evelyn commented.
    He took a bite of his bread and sat back in his chair, "She needs me right now."
    "I know that, I'm just saying you've known each other for awhile, and I find myself wondering if you might be wanting something a little more than friendship, that's all," she said.
    "She's grieving right now. She needs support, not another thing to be worrying about."
    "Well, I don't think a relationship is something to worry about. I think if anything it's another source of support for her," Evelyn said.
    "I'm not sure. I don't know what she's thinking," he said simply, staring at his food.
    "Well, there's only one way to find out." She stood and kissed his forehead, walking back to her room. "Your father should be home any minute okay? Goodnight honey."
    He sat there and finished his bread, daydreaming about what a relationship with Ezra would be like. His mother was right, he had been thinking about it lately. Maybe a relationship would give her more support during this time. Maybe that's something she's also been thinking about. Maybe she would want that too. The door creaked open, pulling him back to reality.
    "Jarren, you're finally back," Rowan said gruffly, his blond hair coming into view as he climbed the stairs.
    Jarren looked at him, sighing lightly as his father sat down beside him.
"Yes, I am."
    "You were off with Ezra again?" he asked.
    "Yeah, I was. We were talking about Oliver and everything that's happened recently," Jarren said.
    "I thought you would be helping clean up after the ceremony."
    "I helped them set it up. I didn't think I needed to do both. Ezra was hurting and I wanted to be there for her."
He stood and pushed in his chair, leaning forward and resting his palms against the back of it.
    "It would've been nice to have you there representing our family and your commitment to the compound," Rowan stressed.
    "I'm sorry, I wasn't aware it meant that much to you."
    "It doesn't. I just want you to start taking some responsibility around here. You're not a child anymore, you should be leading this compound after I'm done," he said as he waved his hands around, gesturing at Jarren.
    "I have a lot of responsibilities around here. And you know that's not what I want to do with my life, I don't want to follow in your footsteps," he replied.
    "This discussion is not about what you want!" he raised his voice, walking back and forth in a line, "Life isn't all about you! This is about what's best for the compound and what's best for this family," Rowan shouted.
    "Why is it so wrong to want things? I want to spend time with Ezra, and I want to have fun once in a while. Why does everything always have to be about the family?"
    "Our lives are about survival. That's what they have always been about, and that's what they'll always be about. It's selfish and naive of you to think that you can frolic around every day with no responsibilities and not a care in the world! Ever since we built this compound I have worked my ass off every single day for you and for this family. I am giving you these opportunities on a silver platter and you're throwing them away to spend time with some girl!"
    "She is not just some girl! She has been my best friend for years and she means the world to me. She's having a hard time after losing her brother and I need to be there for her. I don't care about becoming the leader of the compound. I would rather know that I'm a good person and that I'm there when people need me than carry on your legacy," Jarren said.
    "You have a responsibility to this family and to this compound. These people need a leader, and who better than you to lead it? You've been at every meeting since you were born, heard me plan every supply trip, and you know most people in this compound," Rowan urged.
    "Because I don't want it. I don't want to spend each day worrying about everyone here. I don't want to plan everything out. I don't want to have to always worry about survival."
    "You need to stop putting yourself first and start thinking of other people for a change," Rowan stated.
    "I won't be the leader, and no one, not even you, can make me," he said, turning and walking away.
Jarren entered his room and threw himself onto his bed, groaning with frustration into the blankets. He had never gotten along with his father, and the relationship had only gotten worse the older he became. He turned over and blew out the candles next to his bed, trying to calm down and go to sleep. He laid there thinking about his relationship with his father, wondering if it would ever get better, although he seriously doubted it. He thought of Ezra and how she couldn't sleep either, imagining both of them laying in bed awake, just wanting to not feel exhausted every day. She was only a few dozen feet away, but he knew that mentally she was much further, stuck back in the past, looping through the same day over, and over, and over still.