Love, Loss and Living

Prologue and Things Change Chapter 1

PROLOGUE

She didn't want this life anymore, Tina Kennard reminded herself as she pulled into the driveway of her family's home that she had left a few months earlier.  She tried so hard not to know it, but the truth kept insisting itself to her.  Tina turned off her car that she had loaded with all the things she had taken when she moved out of the house.  She was here to say good bye to her daughter and pick up a few boxes, she reminded herself.  She and Bette Porter, her mocha skinned, biracial wife, had agreed that it would be best for their daughter, Angie to stay with Bette in Los Angeles while Tina got herself settled. She was taking advantage of this very big career opportunity in Toronto that required her uprooting herself for half the year. Angie may be her biological daughter, but both Bette and Tina were her legal parents.  Tina didn't want to drag Angie into all this change that was being built on an uncertain foundation.  She knew Bette and the rest of their chosen family would provide the necessary support Angie would need as she got used to the changing situation with her parents. 

Tina stepped out of her car and headed to the house.  She and Bette had been together for almost 21 years, that was a long time and they had built an entire life together.  Tina took a few more steps towards the door.  Somewhere along the line, Tina decided she wasn't happy with this life.  She wasn't even really sure when her feelings changed, but this life was not enough for her anymore.  She equally loved and hated Bette.  Bette had been watching Tina fall apart for months before the decision to move out was made.  In reality, Bette had probably been a witness to Tina's distress for years and just didn't know how to help the unsettled, crazy woman that she had become.  She had exhausted Bette with her passive/aggressiveness, at least that is what one of the many therapists had told her. 

Tina was a white, middle aged mother who set everything aside for her family, for her wife.  Now that Angie was a teenager, it was her turn, she kept telling herself.  She had tried to tell herself that this was a midlife crisis and it would pass, but when she was offered the Executive Producer position for the Golden Chalice, she was ecstatic.  The thought of going to Toronto and exploring what her full potential could be as a producer consumed her every thought. What a catastrophe her life had become.  What a criminal jerk to proceed so deep in this marriage only to leave it.  We both knew there was something wrong with me and Bette had lost all her patience.  All that was left was crying and fighting.  They were weary as only couples whose marriage was collapsing can be weary and Angie was caught in the middle. 

Tina was at the door.  Wasn't she proud of all they had achieved, the prestige?  She had actively participated in every aspect of this life, but it was all Bette, she thought.  She had been overwhelmed by her sense of duty, being number two in a power couple, housekeeper, social calendar, and primary parent.  Tina knew she had already left the marriage, she was just still in Los Angeles.  There were too many reasons why she didn't want to be Bette's wife any longer.  Much of it had to do with her own issues, but a good portion of the troubles were due to Bette's issues as well.  It was only natural, there are two people in a marriage, two votes, two opinions, to conflicting sets of decisions, desires and limitations. 

Tina knocked on the door of the house she helped purchase.  I don't want this life anymore, she told herself again as the door opened and she faced Bette with Angie standing behind her.  Bette and Angie stepped aside letting Tina pass through the door.  Bette could barely look at Tina and Angie had been crying the redness and puffiness still evident in her eyes.  Bette had the boxes she had requested sitting at the door.  There wasn't going to be a long good bye, neither of them wanted it for themselves nor for Angie.  Tina had so many reasons for leaving her family, but there were so many reasons to stay.  Bette had so many wonderful qualities about her, why she loved her, why she wanted to be her wife and why at times she felt she couldn't live her life with out her.  Tina sighed as Bette helped her put the boxes in her car.