Embracing Pain

Prologue

Pregnant

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house, that don't bother me

I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out

I'm not afraid to cry

Every once in a while even though goin on with you gone still upsets me

There are days

Every now and again I pretend I'm OK but that's not what gets me

'I'm not afraid to cry...'

No, way! I don't need to cry!

Agad kong pinahid ang mga luhang unti-unti nang dumadaloy sa aking pisngi. Hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko pa rin kayang pigilan ang mga luha ko sa tuwing makakarinig ako ng mga kantang naaayon sa kasalukuyang nararamdaman ko.

'Every now and again I pretend I'm okay...'

Yes, I am always pretending that I am okay. Hindi ko ugali na ipakita sa kahit na sino kung ano talaga ang totoo kong nararamdaman. I never wanted to be judged. Ayoko ng pakiramdam na ikaw na nga ang nasasaktan, yung taong nanakit pa sayo ang pilit nilang iniintindi. Was it so hard for them to comfort someone whose heart was totally damaged--- broken? Pero bakit?Nahihirapan akong intindihin sila. Maybe, our feelings weren't mutual. Maybe, they couldn't even understand me in the first place, so...

'Tss! Forget it, Paigne!'

What hurts the most, was being so close

And having so much to say

And watching you walk away

Never knowing, what could have been

And not seeing that loving youIs what I was trying to do

Tuluyan na naman nadudurog ang puso ko. This time, hindi ko na talaga kaya. Itinakip ko ang mga palad ko sa mukha ko at hinayaan ko lang na umiyak ang puso ko. Bakit ganun? Bakit hanggang ngayon nasasaktan pa rin ako? Bakit ang hirap para sa akin na kalimutan siya? Bakit? He is not even worth it! Pero bakit? Bakit hanggang ngayon may nararamdaman pa rin ako para sakanya? I might be angry pero alam ko sa sarili ko na mahal ko pa siya.

I really had so much to say. Really. But, every time I got a chance to tell him everything inside me, napapaatras ako. Natatakot ako. Natatakot ako na baka masaktan niya lang ako lalo. Natatakot ako na baka ipagtabuyan niya lang ako. Natatakot ako na may marinig na masasakit na salita galing sakanya. I am afraid to lose him, yes. But, I was more afraid to be rejected and be hurt more than I could imagine.

Nung umalis siya, hindi na kami nagkausap pa. That was the time that I started to make crying a hobby. Every time the thoughts of him got in my mind, I couldn't help but wonder. What could have been if he stayed? What could have been if I let him knew what I feel for him? What could have been if I was that brave enough to face my fears? What could have been if I believed in his promises? What could have been us now?

It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I goBut I'm doing itIt's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm aloneStill harder gettin up, gettin dressed, living with this regretBut I know if I could do it overI would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart that I left unspoken

Ayoko na! Masyado na kong nasasaktan! Lahat ng linya ng kanta ay tila nababasa ang isip ko at dinudurog ang puso ko. Oo, mahirap. Nahihirapan ako lalo na kapag nakakausap ko yung mga kaibigan namin at itinatanong nila sa akin kung kamusta kami.