you will never know the violence it took to become this gentle.

i was only 15 when i first noticed the bars.

i sit in a crowd of people unwillingly and complacent.

they must look at me occasionally wondering why my face looks like a soul lemon had been consumed moments before. or maybe why i close my eyes briefly but for longer than normal my brain lingering in a time where i felt some semblance of the word happy.

they couldn't possibly know and i don't blame them.
but my heart is full of resentment for those whose bodies have never been touched without the word yes being uttered from their mouths.
my skin screams silently saying stop being so fucking joyful you have no right you have not earned it. sometimes I flash back when they touch me in appropriate ways and no even though I cannot point a finger it leaves another wound on my already bound body.

do you know what it's like to grow up alone? I hate hearing people are "so depressed" from not having exactly what they want or maybe the boy they have a frivolous crush on has rejected their feelings.

oh [redacted], if you only knew what it's like to have the only thing you have left brushed and buried by others. that not only love after love has left me and the underlying feeling of rejection has embalmed by body like a sarcophagus. i have taken more beatings than i have fingers and toes and yet some people have the audacity to complain about the things in life that are simpler than even photosynthesis.

i had no fucking parents. everyone else sees a facade of love they have for me but that love has left me in the most "annihilated" places on earth. they don't see they touch my body with fists. they made me who i am and i wish i could say like proper parents it made a mold of a good girl. but it made me into an unlovable monster.

i lose everyone i love. i have lost everyone i've ever cared about. they all leave like a bird being set free from a barbed cage - happy to get out at last. so I beg you please please be grateful for what you have
-15