the narcissists child

~Feeling, feelings~

Ever...feel sad?
That's obviously a loaded question but I don't mean feeling or showing sorrow and unhappiness nor do I mean pathetically inadequate or unfashionable.

I mean do you ever feel an overwhelming unknown feeling...like you know the feeling isn't sadness or unhappiness and definitely not neutral. You feel....super irritated by the movement or sound of AnYtHiNg around you and it doesn't make sense so you go about your day faking happiness or distancing yourself from people because you don't wanna blow up at someone for a reason you yourself don't know... and then end up going to bed hoping you're in a better mood the next day. Well when I do have those days is uncomfortably often which I think is a problem but I hate people who self diagnose themselves therefore I won't.

But I do somewhat feel like it's the true weight of depression.

"Depression removes all of your interest in what you used to love, you gain no enjoyment from anything, this makes you feel sad, as you remember the time when you could enjoy stuff

You feel that any food is wasted on you, or you eat too much.

You can laugh but, something is missing, the laugh doesn't simply reach your eyes full of sorrow no matter how full and hearty it may be it's being forced and that hurts more than not laughing at all.

You tend to sleep inconsistently. Or when you do sleep you wake up tires and simply aren't well rested.

You don't feel like talking. To anyone about anything with or without meaning because you feel you have none. You don't want to waste someone's breath, energy and time on you so you avoid it completely.

You have no energy to do anything

You are often alone, wondering the meaning of life

You feel insignificant, whether it be I school, home life, friendships or relationships you always feel like you're on the outside looking in on the conversation and not actually inganged and invested.

The worst part of depression in my opinion is not knowing what caused it and not knowing if you will get better and 9 times out of 10 "getting better" isn't a reality we all face.

People do care about you, no matter what you've done, will or can't do.

There is hope, for an entire year and a bit, I enjoyed everything I used to, I couldn't stop smiling, it was the best feeling in the world, but during that time I realised I wasn't feeling happy, I didn't make my happiness, at that point my happiness was a person and that's already unhealthy but the worst part is I knew that person would be temporary. I'd gone through my whole junior year(grade 8) without even the thought of a relationship and it was honestly the happiest most peaceful year of my life... then came freshman year(grade 9) I started the year with the same attitude but ended it this ...this being that writes before you.

This boy....a younger man decided that my life was too boring for him you know some actually random chick that was in a completely different social circle than him. He's the cool junior(grade 8) that everyone knew while I... I'm not an outcast per say but I guess I'm known and I know people but I definitely wouldn't classify that as nearly popular. He(pardon my old creepy ass) is super cute. He seems nice, I love him with his friends..He seems so carefree and genuinely happy, their groups the loud group at break that seek attention in order to breathe. We actually did have a conversation after a reliable source came and told me he had feelings for me.

Imagine this:
*during mid-year exams*
Me:(goes up to him whole he's with one friend) Hi guys...(the don't hear me...my stupid ads stands on her tip toes and says louder) HeY gUySSSS!!!!(while looking up because they're taller)
Both:(stop the conversation and actually turn their heads to me)
Me: You guys ready for today's exam??
Both: Lol no never it's Afrikaans
Me: hmm hmm...shame. So what're your guys' name's??
Crush: Well I'm Pharrell and this is Liam
Me: Woah Liam...that's an unfortunate name(says well touches his shoulder)
Both: Awkward laugh***
Me: ok well by goodluck♡(basically runs to her friends because she can't stand on both legs for much longer)

//true story//based on true events//I'm the me in this story// our very first interaction...ok not first but first on that long//

Ok I got off topic I'll get more into my idiocy and lack of flirting ability in later chapters and trust this mans will get a few.

But back to the topic at hand:
If you have depression, I hope that you will try to get better, its not a case of not getting better, you just have to try.

Imagine another this scenario:
Person 1: Hi, How are you?
Person 2: I'm... okay, you?
Person 1: I'm good, but I can't tell that you're not, is something up?
Person 2: Well recently... I've been suffering from depression...
Person 1: ah, ok it sounded like something awful happened, don't worry it will pass
Person 1: We all have bad days
Person 2: *leaves chat, feeling like no one cares, and that no one understands them*
Person 2:Harms themself because they feel like the *phase* will never pass and it's all their fault because thwy believe they're a waste of time, space and matter but the worst part is...they're too insecure to speak up like speaking up will somehow harm them more than the words slowly but surely eating them up from the inside till there is nothing.

Depression is not something people can just snap out of, it holds on to someone tightly, physically, emotionaly, mentally and all ways humanly possible and is difficult to break free from.

I myself am the happiest person outside of the house, the friend always making jokes, laughing, smiling like the freaking Cheshire cat from Alice in wonderland, super energetic and very hard to be sad, angry, melancholy or anything negative around her because well...when I'm happy everyone's happy is what people around me think I don't really tell people my inner thoughts haven't in 4 full years and it's staying that way.

It's not like I don't trust people but the fact of the matter is I have hectic issues trusting people and opening up feels gross so this book is my sanity for the time being.

Being that friend gets tiring not that I completely hate it but when I'm legit quiet because I just don't wanna say anything or am genuinely having a bad day it's out of the ordinary and a complete taboo.

I swear I'm not allowed to be sad...ever or any feeling other that really extra and dramatic or the energetic ball of positive energy.

I don't think they do it on purpose that's for sure but it doesn't make it anymore fair because some of us are juggling our mental health now have to juggle others too.

Ok sorry for the messy chapter it could be the only serious chapter like this if you guys didn't like it, I got carried away lol.