The Best I Ever Had

Chapter 4

NOW - Perrie

"Porky Ashford," Jade says when we're at the bar later that evening.

"I'll give it a five out of ten," Leigh says. "Mine would be Sparky Pinkston."

"Meh," I reply. "That's not great."

She shrugs. "Six out of ten."

"So wait," Andre clarifies. "You take your first pet and the name of the street you live on now? That's your porn name?" I nod. "How do you know this?"

I scoff. "Everyone knows this! It's like the first thing you learn in college."

"I'm sorry, I think the first thing I learned in college was biology," Andre comments.

"Whatever. This is a science, too."

"No, it's not," Leigh says, seriously. "It's an art." We high five.

"I still think Porky Ashford is an excellent porn name," Jade insists.

"Would you watch a porno with a guy named Porky in it?" Alice asks.

Jade shudders. "Would I watch a porno with a guy in it?"

"Why are we talking about Jade's sexual proclivities," Jesy asks before breaking into her smirk. "No matter what they may be?"

Jade tries to look offended as Leigh continues, "Maybe you would, Jadey. I don't know what you're into."

"Well, just ask—" Jade stops short, and I realize what she was going to say: "Just ask Perrie."

Trying to skip past her near-mistake as quickly as possible, I divert the conversation back. "Mine would be... Ringo Rossdale."

"Well, the alliteration is very porn star-y," Andre says. "But the 'Ringo' might be confusing."

"Maybe that could be your schtick, Perrie," Leigh suggests. "Gender ambiguity. I mean, people thought Lady Gaga had a penis for a while. Same with Jamie Lee Curtis."

"I'm pretty sure that wouldn't work for porn, Leigh, since they'd have to... you know, see her genitals?" Jesy says.

"Genitals is such a terrible term," Andre comments, shaking his head.

Jade nods in agreement. "Every time someone says it, I picture the smooth parts on Barbie and Ken dolls."

I crack up. "Boy, this conversation degenerated quickly."

"It was a conversation that started with us finding our porn names, Pez. I don't know that it was very... um, generated to start with," Jesy says.

"Mine would be Barker Franklin," Andre announces.

I make a face. "That sounds more like a president than a porn star. Jesy, what's yours?"

"Mine would be..." Jesy's eyes widen, and she cracks up. "Puss Johnson!"

"Ding ding ding!" Andre announces. "We have a winner!"

"Wow, Jesy, that's some imagination you had there," Jade says dryly. "You named your cat 'Puss'."

"You named your guinea pig 'Porky'!" she shoots back.

"It was a play on words!"

"A stupid play on words," Jesy says snidely.

"Alright, children. Break it up, or we'll have to send you to your rooms," Leigh tells them.

"You know who'd probably have the best name?" Jesy asks. Her words are deliberate, and her eyes are darting around, but it doesn't sound in her voice when she says, "Chris. Where is he, anyway?"