Someone Like You

III

CONTENT/TRIGGER WARNING:
This chapter contains internalised homophobia and eating disorders!! Please don't read if you are triggered by either of these things.

Dan cried once Phil had fallen asleep, they had both decided to sleep in Phil's bed, like they had many times in the past. Dan was overwhelmed, everything that had happened that night was too much for him, why was Phil being so nice to him? Hes disgusting. Hes gay. Hes gay for Phil. Why would Phil want him anywhere near him?

Dan got up, he was going to sleep on the couch, the longer he spent that close to phil the more these bad feelings grew in him, it was a virus, a disease, and it made him feel sick. He tiptoes down the hallway of Phil's apartment, it was nice, it was the same as it had been two years ago, unlike Phil its look hadn't changed one bit, the walls were still white and the carpet was still dark grey, the living room was big, it had a long, warm grey couch covered in blankets, across from that there was a TV and a bookshelf that had been redecorated to hold all of Phil's video games and the odd book, there was some manga on it too and some DVDs, he didn't recognise most of the titles. The kitchen was packed with food and sugary drinks, Dan struggled to even look at it all, the very thought of it making Dan sick to his stomach, the thought of the pizza he ate earlier flooded his mind and his eyes welled with tears, a small sob leaving his mouth, he was losing control again and he was terrified, he hated himself. They say that hate is a strong word but Dan definitely didn't feel anything strong right now, he felt weak, broken almost, he lost control and had his life ruined and now he cant get back up, Phil doesn't know, he didn't want to know, he'd think Dan was even more disgusting, Phil didn't deserve damaged goods, he deserved the world and Dan knew he couldn't give that to him. He cries. He cries for hours on the tile floor of the kitchen until he falls asleep.

He wakes up to arms holding him, carrying him even. He blinks the sleep from his eyes and looks up at the man carrying him before nestling his head into his chest, earning a small chuckle in response. Phil smelt like pine still, pine and Christmas. Dan didn't quite know how Phil smelt like Christmas, maybe because he associated Christmas with home, maybe Phil smelt like home and Dan was safe, he definitely felt safe now. Phil wouldn't let anyone lay a finger on Dan, and he had proved this in the years before the argument, when Phil had punched a boy for calling Dan "queer", Phil has gotten into a few fights with boys over stuff to do with Dan, Dan was just happy to be protected and safe, after all, he definitely couldn't defend himself, and so Dan never questioned Phil's protectiveness. Phil sat Dan down on his bed, running his fingers through Dan's now slightly curly hair, making Dan's face flush red before pushing his head into Phil's hand like a cat and laughing quietly.

"Why were you sleeping on the kitchen floor, Bear? You really worried me when I woke up and you weren't here" Dan didn't know what to say, how was he supposed to explain that he couldn't sleep next to him because he loved him? Dan settled with the lie that he had gone for some water but got too tired to go back to bed, which makes sense because it was extremely late and he'd had a long day, hopefully Phil bought it, he looked like he did and so didn't question Dan anymore. Phil had told Dan to go back to sleep for a little bit while he made them breakfast, and he did, Dan didn't want to think anymore, he just wanted to enjoy this moment where he could just fall asleep surrounded by the smell of Christmas, of Phil, of home.