Solace

I feel helpless. I am lost. I get a sinking feeling. It feels like I am falling into this never ending dark pit. The fall feels good. I want to keep falling. I don't want this pit to ever end. I have found solace in this sinking feeling. I fear that this pit will end somewhere. I am afraid that the impact between me and the bottom of the pit will kill me. I don't want to come out of this pit. I just want to keep falling. Nothing that felt good has ever lasted long in my life. I am afraid of losing this thing that I have started liking - this never ending fall through darkness. I look down and there it is. I can see it. The end of the pit is near. This fall that I had started loving is going to be taken away from me like every other thing I ever loved. I prepare myself for the impact. I wrap my arms tightly around my chest as if I were hugging myself. I keep my eyes open as I want to see what the end of this pit looks like. The bottom of the pit is fast approaching. My body hits hard against the hard rocky surface at the end of the pit. I can feel my nose getting cracked. I see blood spraying out of it. I feel a kick in my intestines. I can feel my bones getting shattered. Yet I don't scream. I wonder why. I feel a sudden jolt and I wake up. I find myself in darkness again. I lie motionless for what feels like an eternity. The entire room is dark except for the ceiling which is illuminated by a narrow beam of light coming through the ventilators. I notice that the fan isn't turned on. The back of my neck feels sweaty. I rub my sweaty palms all over my face. My tshirt is all wet and it stinks of sweat. I have been wearing the same tshirt since 2 days. I feel too weak to get up and take a shower or change the tshirt. I reach out for my phone on the table beside my bed. 9:53 pm. I missed dinner again. I grab the plastic bottle on the table beside my bed and gulp down an entire litre of water. I feel satisfied. It feels like the water has quenched my thirst for solace. Like every good thing, this feeling of satisfaction doesn't last long. I feel a sting in my heart. I roll over and close my eyes. Soon I again lose myself in a quest for another solace.