Put on a Happy Face

I am sitting in a corner of the room constantly staring at the dark night sky visible through the window. I don't know what time it is. Neither do I know how long I've been sitting here. The darkness of the night sky along with it's silence makes me feel intoxicated. It feels so serene. I walk to the switchboard and turn the lights off. I go back and sit in the same corner. I fold my legs and press my knees close to my chest. I am completely surrounded by darkness. I can feel the tranquility. I close my eyes and imagine myself walking along a never ending dark path. A strong gust of wind blows and takes me further into the darkness. I flow with the air. I feel calm and relaxed. No sedative could have made me feel what I am feeling right now. At the instant when I am on the cusp of losing myself completely, reality hits me. My soothing flight through darkness ends with a hard blow on the face. All I can imagine now is a helpless me, fallen on my bruised knees with a face that is bloody because of the hard blow. I have been reminded by my brain that I hate myself. I am reminded of the battle that I have been constantly fighting with myself. My own brain is my biggest enemy. It never lets me be at peace. The moment I start feeling better, it hits me with reality. It is easy to remove people you hate from your life. But what do you do when you start hating yourself? How would you get rid of yourself? What do you do when you look into the mirror and feel nothing but disgust at the person staring back at you? What do you do when you can't look yourself in the eye? The answer is loneliness. I seek loneliness at times of distress. I distance myself from everyone. I want to be isolated whenever I feel this. But each time I seek loneliness, I forget that loneliness would bring me closer to myself - the enemy. Being alone with nothing else but my negative thoughts is the last thing that I would ever want to happen to me. But then how do I end this battle? I can no longer fight myself. I don't have the strength. Harm myself? I am a coward. I don't have the courage. I can't do that. Then how else do I stop this haphazard going on in my mind? How else would I save myself? I guess that's the only way. It needs to be done. As I sit there battling the thought of putting my own existence at risk, I hear the alarm clock go off. 7 am. It's time to face the world. I put on a happy face and walk out of the room.