Chapter 1

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  • Dedicated to anyone suffering from mental illnesses
                                    

at this stage in my life i was sad, i wasn't even sure what day of the week it was. I just knew i had to work. i would get up at like 5 and go feed my pets it would always be the dog, the fish then the cat .  then drag my sorry ass for a shower than to the first of my 3  jobs, for this one i worked from 6am till 10am . in case you were wondering i was an assistant horse trainer , only reason i wasn't head trainer is cause i wasn't old enough nor did i have the time. it was tiring work but i meant a free place to keep my brat of a horse. 

i lived in Brisbane Aus, always did, used to live about 40 mins from Brisbane city in a place called Ipswich, it was pretty shitty and as the Americans would say ' ghetto' , OK so I'm being dramatic it was pretty chill but that's the rep it had, i moved closer to Brisbane so i could get a good job when i finished high school the year earlier to when this story begins 

at this stage in my life i was not only sad but very driven, very very driven to not kill my self, that's the way it had been headed since i was about 14 , 4 years to be exact, that makes me 18  if you didn't do the math, i was disgustingly thin( from lack of food and the abundance of alcohol) and stood at the boringly average height of 5 foot 6, boring in the sense that I'm neither tall nor short. I'm just average. with this loose curly black hair rested about 2 inched below my collar bone hole thing( that was so deep you could eat ceral out of that thing ) and caramel skin ( my dads white and my mum is aboriginal ) 

after i would go to my horse job, i would have an hour break before i had to haul my ass over to my afternoon job at a entertainment center ( kinda just a big fancy theatre but not good enough to be on par the QLD performing arts center, QPAC for short  ) , where i would either do sound, bar, photography or hair and make up until i got told to go home. 

this was during the week, on weekends i would bar tend either Friday or Saturday from 12am till 3 am in either a night club, pub and or strip club. all owned by the same person i was his only girl  and depending on what was going on depended on where i worked but usually it was the pub on a Friday, and he ( ill tell you his name cause i feel like it will come in handy, Ed ) would just text me on the Friday afternoon with where i would work. which was annoying but i didn't mind cause he gave me free drinks for all the trouble i went to for him. he was a nice man, not overly sleazy as you would imagine the owner of places like this would be, but he was just a business man who started out owning a pub to support his family but ended up making his own little chain of hot spots around Brisbane ( I'm telling you this for no particular reason other than i admire the man , hes living his dreams ) 

i think now you are curious what my dreams are ? ill tell you .... I'm not sure. i know what i want, but what i want isn't necessarily what i dream of, is it ?  i want to become head trainer one day, and i also know i want be stage manager of the fancy theatre that's not good enough to be on par with QPAC, but what i also know is i want to drink vodka like its water and i also want to rip apart my own skin and most weekends when i come home from my bar tending work, i sit on the roof of my apartment building and want to jump off.  but that doesn't mean these are my dreams, to put to sleep your curiosity i don't know what my dreams are. never really have. 

 i think it may have been a Friday as i had received a text from ed telling me i was working in the pub, which was rather relieving as i didn't feel like dealing with excessive amount of pervs. i was driving to the fancy theatre when i received this. It was like any other day except when i pulled into the car park there was a mound of teenage girls out the from screaming and there was a security man who asked for my ID and took down my rego plate. I got out of the car and marched my way to the managers office as I was rather confused as to what was going on. 

" oh just some band, you know how teenagers are," he stated 

" well yeah i am one, what am i doing today?" i was slightly offended but at the same time i didn't overly care

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⏰ Last updated: Nov 20, 2014 ⏰

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