[11.06]
Richie,
Maybe I'm just making a big deal out of nothing.
It's been difficult, you know? Trying to focus on myself when I'm so used to focusing on other people. I feel better, I think... but you know me. I spiral. I overthink.
You're starting to resemble the... old Richie again. If that makes sense.
You're starting to resemble the Richie that smiled when he fell off his skateboard. The goofball Richie that worked his way up to being beloved at Derry High. The Richie before he left us.
But that's good, right? Your smile is contagious. You're standing up straighter, which is something I had to remind you to do all the time when we were younger.
But there's also Kay.
Kay McCall. She's in your AP chemistry class, or so you tell us.
You tell us she's got messy black hair and always wears a dark color of lipstick, and she's one of the smartest people you've ever met. I don't think I've ever met anyone smarter than you, though.
I remember what you told me in my room, trust me I do. But I overthink, Richie. I cant help but notice the way your lips quirk when you see her, or how she is suddenly starting to be one of your main topics of conversation.
But maybe I'm just making a big deal out of nothing.
I'm not mad, Rich. I never have been mad at you. If you're learning a way to stop depending on yourself and instead love yourself then you deserve to express it however you please. You have so much love to give off.
It keeps taking me back to the summer. When you would smile at Greta, or you would smile at Alice, and I'd wait in my bedroom by my window but you'd never come by. Remembering the utter melancholy I felt those nights still makes my chest twist. I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone. Not even Greta. Not even Alice.
I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not supposed to be focusing on you. I mean, how pathetic is that?
But I'm trying. I really am. I know this is going to be a long and difficult experience, but I'm willing to do it, because it's what I deserve.
I've been telling myself that a lot lately.
My birthday is in five days. The party that Bill and the other's are throwing for me at Mike's barn is in eight.
I still have yet to invite you.
I'm going to, obviously. I know that I want you there. I mean.. I'm turning seventeen. I think that's a big deal.
I just keep getting cold feet whenever I think I'm about to ask you. Especially with you starting to talk about Kay all the time, it makes me wonder if you'd want to bring her with you.
I wish I could stop thinking sometimes.
You know what, Rich? I'm gonna do it. Screw it, my mom is working late, and if I don't do it now then I'm never going to do it.
