Drown

Blood Filled Pens

I'll fill my pen with blood from the sink, and write you a letter about a better time. From when the cold would carry us home and no one would know the sound of your voice but me. Just hold my hand and jump. Tell me all your fears, I bet they're pretty close to mine.. Tell me what you think about while you can't fall asleep at night or what crosses your mind before crossing the street. Tell me your deepest and darkest fears, and I'll tell you mine. Forever is ours if you just grasp it tight. Sometimes I lose hold of what's really mine, and think it's gone. So I take it out on myself.. My body. even in the moonlight my scars are still not fading.. away. I'll show you all my scars and explain the story behind each. Inside and out. Sometimes I feel like I just ripped the hinges off the door, and all my emotions are flooding in, I can't stop them anymore.. But I refuse to drown. I even promise to hold your head above water even if that means mine goes under. I'm reading over your shoulder, it says it in every stroke, twisting together to build some sort of painful realization of just how horrid this world can really be. And it's perfectly familiar. I held myself like a statue, perfectly still.. Hoping not to show any emotions.. Because even your best intentions turn evil.. and wicked.. at some point. Don't they? And don't your hands become too fragile and weak to hold the blood inside your wounds anymore, so eventually your blood pours from your body like a broken faucet in an old abandoned house. Sick way to think of it, I guess. But this late at night our inner demons like to go out and find other people.. whose inner demons play well with ours. This world is so cruel, so.. sick. To even think of myself as part of it makes me want to end it all. How am i suppposed to continue living like this, when all I see scares me? Just come back home, and hold me close because these city lights are too much to handle on my own. It longs for me and you, love. You expect way too much safety, cuz I dont stand a chance, anymore than you do baby.. I wont make it much longer, once you're gone.. I can't breathe with these words on my tounge.. but I can promise that I'm lonely.. surrounded by all these people that know 'me', but know nothing about me. I just want you back.. back here.. in my arms.. because you're the only thing keeping me safe.. It's so much easier with someone or something to blame. Maybe it's my absence or constant lack of denfense.. So I turn to writing it down.. not just in stories or even poems, but the letters in between.. It haunts the pages of old notebooks in the attic and pages strewn about the house.. I'm getting darker. I'm becoming increasingly alarmed by the pain. But if i were to be honest, id have to admit that the problem has always been me.. I'm just trying to live up to all that you want me to be. I hear your silent screams, you're not alone.. Are you listening to me? I cannot control whats going on around us. im so sorry, oh im so sorry.. as the rain will fall without reason, there is nothing you can do, nothing.. When youre around a person so much, for so long, they become a part of you.. and when they go away, you dont know who you are without them, so you become lost.. Most of the time, im too afraid to speak, too afraid.. so i fall upon deaf ears.. my words never even making an appearance. I've been waiting in the cold.. walking alone to the edge of time.. ive been thinking too much of you.. im tired of the feeling here, its too near to death, too gloomy year round. The only warmth is the warmth you find alone.. ill trace this in flames, many beacons in the sea and lanterns lit for the ones still lost in the dead of night. Another phantom or shadow cast, through the leaves and trees. Like thunder under water, she hears them fighting but feels no pain at all.. its been weeks since ive been around you, are they breaking down and falling deeper into the river than before? I cant bury this place, i wont bury the past.. i just need a change of scenery. We will rise again from ashes one day. Until then, just sleep. I swear i will carry me and you until the end.. I'll pick you up if you fall to pieces, let me be the one to save you..