It's Consuming Me

Seokmin

I stared at the blue haired male who was practicing the dance moves from across the practice room. I can't take my eyes off of the male. I appreciated the male's hard work and smiled to myself before approaching him with a towel and a bottle of water.

"Jisoo hyung, you should take some rest now." I said giving him towel and bottle of water. Jisoo hyung took the bottle and chugged the water down and took the towel to wipe his sweats. "Thanks Dokyeom-ah." He said smiling sweetly at me.

We sat next to eachother against the wall of the practice room. "I'm tired." Jisoo hyung said while yawning. "You can rest, hyung. I will wake you up when we are able to leave." Jisoo hyung nodded and rested his head on my thigh. I looked down at the sleeping figure of the American hyung.

Everything about him was so ethereal. His eyes that held a lot of love and care. Those eyes that held playfulness and excitement whenever he is playing or talking about his favorite things. His eyes that hold passion and dedication whenever he is singing or dancing. The determination, that can be seen in those beautiful eyes, to do better every time he practices the choreography.

His skin that is so soft and smooth. I could see the glabellar line forming between his eyebrows as he is frowning in his sleep. I put the tip of my finger on his glabella to smooth his glabellar lines. My hands reach into his recently dyed blue hair and I started massaging his scalp. He visibly relaxed under my touch and I was satisfied.

My eyes drifted towards his lips. His lips were my favorite part of his body. His lips that is pink and glossy. I have always wondered how his lips tasted. Are they warm and sweet just like the person himself? His lips were slightly parted at the time and I had to look away to prevent myself from claiming those lips right there and then.

I was lost in the beauty of my beloved hyung when I suddenly heard our manager hyung informing us that we can go back. I looked at his sleeping form one last time before shaking him gently. "Hyung, wake up. We can leave now." He woke up stretching his limbs and got up and walked towards the door stumbling a few times. I quickly went towards him and put my arm around his waist to prevent him from falling. He was still sleepy. I helped him to get into the car as well as in his room.

I came into my room and went to bed after taking a quick shower and tried to sleep. But the image of Jisoo hyung suddenly crossed my mind. I could not help but think about him. To be honest, I also don't know since when I started to take liking towards him. At first I thought it was just a brotherly love that I felt for him. But slowly I began to realize that I love him romantically.

I often find myself thinking about him, wherever I am, whatever I am doing. The way he smiles. The way he giggles. The way he laughs. The way he behaves as a small kid when there is something he loves. The way he gets excited when we are playing games or pranking the members. The way he sings. The way he dances. His music.  His work. His touch. His hugs. His comfort. His tenderness. His stubbornness. His bitchiness. His insights. His outsights. His favorites. His closeness. His distance. His problems. His troubles.

I have noticed the dark circles under his eyes earlier. They have become more prominent these days. I know he is having a hard time these days, in fact this year has been hectic for all of us. But I can feel, I can see he is suffering. He is sad. I want to comfort him, I want to hug him and give him the shoulder to cry on, just like how he does to me whenever I am sad. But he is not letting me. He always smiles, he always pretends to be happy, when in reality he is in pain. This gives me pain, seeing that the person you love is in pain but you can do nothing.

I checked the time on my phone only to groan and sit up on the bed. It was already half past three and we have pre recording tomorrow. Time always flies quickly whenever I'm thinking about him. It's like the thought of him is consuming me. Ugh... hyung, what are you doing to me?!?!!

××××××

After the pre recording ended, I wanted to spend some alone time with Jisoo hyung. So when we changed our outfits I hurriedly went to Jisoo hyung. He was in his phone, talking with someone and giggling and laughing. I didn't want to be a nosy person but seeing him giggling and laughing so whole heartedly after a long time made me curious and I wanted to know with whom he was talking.

"...yeah we had a great fun... mhm... but if you had been here then we would have more fun... I miss you, babe... yeah, I know... rest well okay?... I love you too, Hannie. Please take care. I'll talk to you later, yeah? Bye Jeonghannie, love you!"

My heart shattered into pieces. My eyes filled with tears. I felt my stomach churning and I feel like throwing up. I quickly ran to the bathroom and locked myself inside one of the stall. I didn't care about the members worrying about me or manager hyung scolding me for my disappearance. I had to go away from there. I cried silently, hoping that the pain would go away, hoping that everything was a lie, hoping that Jisoo hyung will love me.

But it could never happen. I have always known. I have known my wishes would never come true. Because he has a boyfriend, the boyfriend being Jeonghan hyung. They are in love, they care for each other, they are happy with eachother. As much as I want you, as much as I love you, I can't be with you because you were never mine, you would never be.

But even when my vision is blurry due to tears, even when I am hurting because of you, even when I know I have no chance with you, my thoughts are still all about you, how beautiful you are, how caring you are, how lovable you are. The thought of you, it's consuming me.

Fin.