If only they knew

{1}

If only they knew how I felt, if only they knew why I did this.
Maybe they would understand. Maybe they'll do different.
But that's what they say, we all know they won't.
Standing next to my body saying sweet things; they didn't even like me, they didn't even know me.
Acting as if they were my best friend, I had no one. They all lie.
I had no one, why say I had; to make yourself feel better? To make yourself sleep better at night?
They all did this, they all made me feel like this.
When they say they would've done differently they lie... they would've done it the exact same way, not caring about the consequences. Not at all caring if I would've done this. They don't care, they never do... until they stand at your grave finally realizing what they've done.

I am Emily, and this is my story.
More to say; the story how I died.

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I wake up to the sound of birds chirping outside of my window and a small streak of light shining through my curtains right into the middle of my face, it seems at though I live in a movie, that this is that wonderful morning. But in reality waking up is the worst part of my day, it's even worse than trying to fall asleep at night, waking up means I have to get ready for another day of bullying, another day of surviving; it means I have to wake up when I hoped I would've slept forever, that my heart would've just stopped while sleeping.
I looked over at my phone to see what time it is, 7Am. I was already late, I have to be at school at 8Am which meant I had to hurry. I quickly got out of bed and made my bed. I walked over to my dark wooden closet and grabbed a black long sleeved turtleneck out of it, -I always wore long sleeved shirts to cover up the scars on my arms-. I also grabbed some dark skinny jeans, no rips for the same reason, -my entire body was covered in scars-.
I did my long dark brown hair in a tight ponytail and put on some simple makeup, just some mascara and clear lipgloss.
When I was finally done it was already 7:45 I was stressing so much at this point. I grabbed my light blue fjallraven kanken backpack and hurried downstairs where my mom was sitting at the industrial looking wooden table working behind her laptop. "Good luck at school sweetie" she quickly said when I grabbed my keys and gave her a kiss on her forehead.

I ran to the garage where my white bike was parked, I got it out of the garage and hopped on the brown leather saddle.
It's normally a 25 minute bike ride to school so I really had to hurry, I didn't want to be late; I knew if I would be late I would get even more shit thrown at me.

Luckily I arrived at school just in time. I parked my bike in the stalling made out of grey steel, it had a roof made of plastic and wood. I locked my bike and immediately noticed the whispering from all the groups of kids around me, and I quick noticed why. I looked down at my keys in my hand and noticed that one of the sleeves of my shirt what up a bit showing off some scars on my arms, quickly I pulled down the sleeve hiding my scars again; as this was happening I heard a loud laughing as I noticed a small group of girls walking over to me. "Well well well, if this isn't our little freak. Nice scars" the possible leader of the group said. It was a tall girl with long platinum blond hair, she was wearing a beautiful light pink dress with a white leather jacket, and the 4 girls standing behind her where wearing black ripped skinny jeans with a t-shirt. I already knew what time it was, "I-it's nothing" I said grabbing my arm to make sure it wouldn't ride up again. "I-it's nothing" the girl imitated me and all the other girls where laughing.
Quickly I tried to walk away but since I had to go past them that was the worst mistake I made. "Where are you going freak, the fun has just begun" one of the other girls said grabbing my arm, the action felt like burning on my fresh cuts.
Tears started forming in my eyes but luckily I was just strong enough to push them back. "Please let me go" I managed to say.
I heard a loud noise coming from inside of the old brick building, it was the school bell. 'Saved by the bell' I thought to myself. The leader pushed me on the ground as she walked away with the rest of the girls.
While gathering my books together from the ground a lot of kids walked by laughing and whispering. But then this one guy walked by, he helped me gather my books and helped me up. "Are you alright?" The tall dark haired guy asked me with a slight smile on his face, while giving me my schoolbooks. I nodded "thank you, you owe me" I said smiling back.
"I'm Noah by the way" he said reaching out for a handshake, "Emily" I said and shook his hand.
Again my shirt rode up my arm exposing my scars and fresh cuts, "a-are those what I think they are" Noah said looking worried and scared at the same time. "I have to go" i walked away not answering his question. 'This day is a runner up for the worst day ever'.

Classes went quite normal, kids calling me freak and other names and throwing papers at me.
But one thing was different. English class. The guy that helped me in the stalling was sitting right next to me, Noah was sitting right next to me. He did something I'd have never expected of him, not that I really knew him but I never thought from the first words we said that he'd throw me a paper.
But then I though wrong, I'd always open the papers seeing how original they were with the names; the only thing I did with his, I out it in my bag.

Finally lunch break came up, the only time I'd be at peace. I'd sit in the library for the entire thing, reading books and doing homework.
But the only thing I could think of while reading is what the paper would've said, the paper that Noah threw me.
After a long time of contemplating wether I should read it or not I finally decided I would. I grabbed the paper ball out of my bag and opened it up, "why did you just walk away from me at the stalling, is everything alright? If it isn't please let me know, I want to help you, I want to be a shoulder to cry on if you need it. You shouldn't do that stuff to yourself, my best friend did that and about a month later he was found hanging on a tree on Gardner's hill. So please talk to me if you need to. My phone number is at the bottom of the page. Feel free to text or call me whenever you need to".
Without even realizing I was crying while reading it. But he isn't right, not everyone commits suicide after cutting; I've been cutting for 3 years now and never have I planned or even thought of committing suicide. I did wish I was dead and that I'd stop waking up from sleeping at night, but that doesn't count as thinking of suicide.

Other classes also went like the others, the names and papers. But my last class of the day as different, again. Noah was there. We had history and he sat next to me. He looks at me with hope and fear in his eyes at the same time, "did you read my paper" he asked hoping I did, the only thing I did was nod. The class went on and in all of my uncontiousness I grabbed a sticky note and wrote down my phone number. I grabbed the note and stuck it on Noah's book, "if you ever need someone" I quoted like he wrote in his paper to me. He smiled at me after he read the note, and I smiled back.

The class was over and so was the day 'another day survived' is what I said to myself while walking back to my locker to grab my jacket and bike keys. Once my jacket was on and I was about to walk out of the glass front door of the school I heard someone running to me "wait" the voice said grabbing my shoulder. I turned to see who it was, it was him, it was Noah. "Let me walk with you, to make sure you're save" he said and smiled softly, I nodded as I walked forward and out of the school. "Noah, dude what are you doing with that freak" I heard a male voice say, I turned to see a group of guys standing outside. a tall, darker skin toned guy had a football in his hand (American football). "I thought you'd play with us today, as you promised" the guy was hinting at him to leave me, to leave the 'freak'. "Nah I promised to walk with Emily, sorry guys" Noah said to the guys. "Freak has friends now?" the dark toned guy said, "Stop that guys, she's not a freak and she has a name" Noah said starting to get mad at the guys.

Noah gently pushed me in the back signing I had to walk with him. Once arrived at the stalling I grabbed my keys and unlocked my bike. While taking it out of the stalling the girls where there again, the same girls as this morning, I tried to ignore it and just started talking to Noah but that didn't go unnoticed by them.
"What are you doing with my boyfriend freak" she said pushing me away. My bike fell on the ground with me on top of it, "Leave it Angelica!" Noah said in an angry tone, he walked over to the her and stood right in front of her. He's way taller than her which made her look like a dwarf next to him. "Hey sweetie, no need to stay with that freak now. I'm here" she said standing up on her toes to kiss him. He pushed her away, "No kissing, I'm done with your crap" he said starting a fight with her.

I decided this was not my place to be nor did I want to be here. I stood up and grabbed my bike up from the ground, quickly I jumped on and bikes away from school, from the fight, from everything.

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Hey guys!
So if this is the first book you start reading of mine, welcome.
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Thank you again and see you in the next chapter!

Xo, Maud

Words: 1927