Aizelle's POV
I didn't realize the importance of seeing a professional until Drei convinced me to push through it. Sabi ni Doc Castro, which happens to be one of the 'family-friends', to feel the unexplainable fear at first is a normal reaction. To be honest, it feels really good after the session although I am aware and it has been explained to me that I wouldn't feel okay instantly. Of course, they are doctors, not a magician.
I had some episodes of my blues. Noon ay hindi naman ganoong kalala before I went to see a Psychiatrist. It just highly affected my daily activities which is alarming and that made me think of considering this. I'm glad I did.
I thought a one-hour talk is long enough. Hindi ko namalayan na Doc Castro and I were talking for almost three hours during our first session.
"If you are not comfortable to take the anti-depressants and for example may nararamdaman kang iba after taking it, you can always let me know so I can prescribe a different one. How are you in taking those sleeping pills by the way?" Doc Castro asked casually. Para ka lang nakikipag usap sa isang taong matagal mo nang kakilala. I was sitting comfortably on a leather upholstery chair in front of her.
"I'm just worried about being dependent to the sleeping pills. Baka maging addiction ko. Apart from that, I'm so happy that I get enough sleep kasi ang sarap sa pakiramdam." I explained..
"Good to hear that. Hayaan mo, pwede naman natin unti-untiin na tanggalin ang pagtake ng pills. Take it three times a week this time. Huwag ka na mag take everyday."
"Thanks Doc!"
"How's school? Kamusta ang first day?" She asked again.
Drei is right. She is a great doctor and I'm already telling that she's doing a fantastic job with this. I love her already. During our first session, tinanong niya ako kung kaya ko na bang pumasok sa school while having my sessions with her. I know I can that is why I said yes without hesitations. As long as it can help me recover, she'd agree with me for sure.
Seeing a professional doesn't mean na pagbabawalan ka na sa maraming bagay, it is still your choice and you could sometimes suggest things to your Doctor that would fast track your journey to your road of recovery. A good doctor will listen to you.
"It was fun as usual. I feel like my old self. I'm so hype to study. Mga ganon, Doc."
"How about your dreams? Tell me more about your dreams.." She finally started the most sensitive part.
I could hear myself gulping. My dreams are actually different this time and it's weird that it's not weird anymore. Despite the embarrassment creeping me up, I treat this as a helping hand. I have to help myself and tell everything to her for the sake of healing--healing the wounds of my past.
"I'm dreaming of Drei..always. I mean, I'm always dreaming of us..having sex" I swallowed.
Doc Castro was still taking notes. Napansin kong huminto ang ballpen niya pero ilang segundo lang iyon. After that, she looked at me and placed her elbows on the table, catching her chin using the back of her palm.
"How did you take that? Does it make you feel good or bad?" She flipped her hair gently and placed them to one side.
"Better. Having sex with him makes me feel like I'm living differently whether it is a dream or real. It gives me a different mood so I guess.. a good one." I answered in a very honest manner. I started fidgeting my fingers, a little uncomfortable with the topic.
"Okay, I have to tell you that the relationship of your condition and sex is very complex. Be careful in assessing and identifying your feelings. There are cases where the condition is the reason why you're losing the sex drive, there are also cases where it can act as a buffer against it. If you think that it will boost your mood and make you feel better, do it frequently as much as possible without pressure. But if not, I suggest don't. I'm giving you options just in case you are shy to ask." Ngumiti siya.
