I Dare You To Love Me

Prologue

Lilies.

Lilies means I dare you to love me. I dare you to love a girl whose favorite color is pink, who loves shoes, who always get confused whether to do the “right thing” or just follow her heart, who sings her lungs out no matter what time of the day, and who can’t shout like a normal person. She’s crazy, I must say. I am crazy more than you could imagine. So what’s my story? I don’t have one. I used to think that clichés doesn’t have me in their lists but now I think my life is nothing but full of clichés. I wonder if something happens to me that never been happened to another person before or after, just to me, but I can’t think of any.

 I just had a break up. I think. To be honest I really want to end it. It, I mean the relationship we had. It’s suffocating. He’s like the shoes I just bought last Sunday. It looks so good and last pair is my size but when I tried it, it doesn’t fit. But I still bought it even if it’s too tight. It’s beautiful and it’s two-toned, red and skin tone color, it matches my new cardigan which is also color red with a big black snow flake at the back and in front. Don’t blame me. I’m just a girl. That’s what I always reason out to myself whenever I bought something I don’t really need but I still bought it because it’s cute or it’s pink. I know, I know, that’s why I’m crazy. I warned you before.

Going back to my break up, he looks so perfect, not physically, I meant his characteristics. He’s a gentleman, a good listener, and everything. But it didn’t lasts for too long. And the sad part is that I am keeping up with him. That’s right, I, the girl, am the one who keeps up with his tantrums for two years. Can you imagine how much I’ve been through? Ok, maybe I’m a bit overeacting but I’ll tell how he broke up with me. Here it is:

It was our law subject and our prelim exam results are being given to us, one by one.

“Our highest is 75 out of 100,” the professor said. Really? Whoever that is must memorize each article. That’s what my subconscious told me.

Thud. Thud. Thud. Is that my heart beating? Uh-oh! This isn’t a good sign. This means my name is about to be called. Thud. Thud. Thud. Thud. Thud. It keeps getting faster and faster.

“Elle, got the highest score,” the professor announced with a big smile on his face.

Shit! I am very lucky today. So I stand up and get my paper while everyone claps their hands. But that’s what I thought. He’s not clapping, he’s not smiling, he’s not looking at me, and we’re seatmates. Then he turned his head and faced me.

“I think, we should break up,” he said.

Boom. Should I celebrate that I got a high score or be happy about it or not? But I should not jump into conclusions right away so I asked, “Why? Is there something I did wrong?”

“Nothing. I just think you can get more high scores if we’re not together,” I was in total shock. Is this really happening? “See how much you got? You even didn’t read the book the night before the exam nor an hour before, you just read pocket books then you’re the highest. While I stayed up late reading the book over and over again but look at my score,” he showed me his paper, 25. Not even half of what I’ve got. My subconscious has the guts to boast but not me. I pity him. But if I am in his position right now, I don’t think I’ll get angry or jealous just because my girlfriend is got the highest and I didn’t pass the exam. I should be happy for her. But I’m not him. “Satisfied? We’re done.”

The end: See what I’m talking about? This really happened for real, I’m not making it up. You can ask my friends. I understand that he’s pissed because he thinks I don’t deserve my score, but I do deserve it. I listen to every word my professor says during discussion and I take notes of the things that aren’t in the book itself, and when it’s my free time I read the book. That’s why I didn’t anymore review on the week of the exam because I already internalize it, modesty aside. I mean, that’s how it should be right? You listen then you understand. You can’t read and understand it all in one night. As we all know, law is a very complicated subject. Reasoning is highly prioritized.

If you’re going to ask me again if we are really not together, this time I will say YES.

Moving on... Did you already have your first love? I meant the true first love not just infatuation. How to differentiate infatuation from first love? It’s when you hear or read the word “first love”, someone’s name pops right into your head without knowing why. That’s him or her. It’s that feeling you got whenever he or she is around, you don’t know why but you smile with all your heart, whatever situation you’re in. Even if he or she is about to kill you, you will think of a reason that he or she is not just being  himself or herself. That maybe there is something wrong going on with him or her and you’re willing to understand him or her. That’s the person I’m talking about.

Why did I ask if you ever have your first true love already? Because in one way or another, when we met someone and we thought we fell in love with that person, we think it’s our first love. But only to find out that later on, it’s not. It’s just an infatuation. I’m not trying to be a love expert in here, I know a lot of people are trying to say what love is but it’s different from each point of view. I don’t believe them because I’ve got my own mind and heart.

As to what I am saying, I thought this someone as my first love but he’s not. He’s just another decoy. It was five years after that I realized who my first love is really is. And he’s someone I never thought who could be. We’re very alike in our way of thinking, how we feel toward things, and how we see each other. It’s a very sad love story. The timing is wrong.

You might think that this is a story of me and my true first love, but it’s not. This is about a girl who is trying to write a story. Her own story…

PS: Lilies are not my favorite flowers. I don’t have a favorite flower. Yep, that’s me.