My summertime memory stories

what's really going on.

I know I haven't been on here in a while to write anything but honestly just been super busy with life and finally got a break so now I can write a little something that I haven't been able to say verbally.

Communication for me can be hard at times especially when it comes to stuff that is happening in my life. Even communicating to some of my close friends can be a challenge for me because I just feel like they don't want or need to here my problems and that what happens in my life is my issue not there or anybody else.

And I know that not true and i shouldn't keep stuff to myself but idk it just hard for me. But in all honesty senior year has been hard for me. Not academic wise that has been easy and it's been fun and there are a lot of good parts basically what I'm saying is school is not the problem. Home and my relative are the issue.

Since this is my last year the pressure is on for me to make all the right decision for my future. And I'm stressed out enough just by myself you know trying to get the highest act or sat scores I can, trying to pick the right college and get all the application in on time, making sure that what I want to do as a career is really what I  want to do, working a job trying to get money saved up for stuff after this year, trying to work harder as a teenleader at church, training for track season to hopefully get to the goal of going to state and ugh it just all this stuff just my self that is stressed enough.

But it also been my family with added on stress, they always ask me what I'm thinking of doing as a career and when I say a vet or a personal trainer you can see the disapproved look on their face and it never fails that they tell me how I am a such a disappointment to the family.  For the most part people in my family are either mechanic or a carpenter it one of the other and basically they want me to carry on our family tradition with keeping the mechanic shop going but that just not for me. But it's important to them and I know why but still.

Everything I do or want to do or plan out to do I can never do anything right I always get told that I'm a disappointment or I'm screw thing up with my life if I continue to follow the path I'm on, or that out of all my sibling they never expected me to turn out this way.  Just the other day I was researching the house that I want to have when I get the money and as a normal person I shared it with my family and the response I got was you ain't never gonna achieve that and even if you do you aint gonna take care of it or you will lose it.  And I mean I know it doesn't sound bad written on here but It really did hurt I mean every since I was little that same house I researched is the house that I want and now that I'm close to some what wanting to plan for it I get that answer.

It's like nothing I do is right and I know that everybody says to not listen to them and I know I shouldn't but I always told myself that I was gonna  be the good one in the family the one that works hard for everything the one that take going to church more seriously than my other siblings what ever it took to make my family proud of me and yet this is all I am hearing,

It's hurt me to know that how my family feels about me even though I have tried my best to not make them feel like they raised up someone that's gonna be a disappointment.  And I hear things like this almost everyday and it got to the point that I just don't care anymore. Like when I start doing something I think about the commits they say and then it just like my thrill for that things drops and I just don't never finish what I start anymore.  There are some night when I'm in bed and I hear my dad on the phone with my brother and I can hear him saying how he is not proud of many of my decision and that when   I start breaking down crying because it hurts so much to hear that and I just think to myself what did I do wrong?

It has gotten to the point where I even feel disappointed in myself cause I know I could have done better and that just makes me feel even worse. I don't think there has been a night so far where I haven't broken down crying because of this  or when I come home from school I just don't feel like talking  to anybody or doing any thing except sleeping because that the only time when   I have peace with myself , even music don't really appeal to me any more like I use to come home pick up my guitar and you know  just make up some crazy tune or try to write a song but ime even discouraged in that because out all things being a musician would be amazing I mean being able to go on tours wrote songs and just knowing your getting paid  for something you truly have a passion for that the dream but then again  I won't make it to that level and even if I did I wouldn't have anybody supporting me so I mean what the use.  I have just been dealing with a lot of emotional stress and I can't talk to my family cause if I do then well the response will be  negative because I already tried it. And it not that I woudknt talk about this verbally to my friends it just that I feel awkward talking about stuff like this because I just feel they don't need to be burden down with my problems or  feelings.

also I turned 18 a few  month back and well you know that makes you legal for a few things lol  but at work I really wasn't myself like I just wasn't all there and a few of  my co workers noticed that and I just told them that it was just school stress with colleges and all and they all said that since I'm 18 that I needed to just let loose and have some fun or do something out of the ordinary to get my mind off of it.  That weekend I got a friend and we went to the mall and I got my belly button pierced and it felt good it felt different and plus people was giving commits like hey that looks really good or that suits you and having positive comments for a change felt really good.

Another thing they said was having a few drinks or going to some parties was a way to let lose and forget about everything.  So one of my co workers invited me over with some others and we had a few drinks and that night I just told my dad I was spending the  night at Kayla house for work because I wasn't about to drive while being drunk. So we had a few drinks and I mean it worked I forgot everything and I felt good for a change like I felt free and happy and I just didn't feel stressed about anything.

So I kept doing that for a bit and I went to a few of my guys friends houses because if anybody knows how to drink it the red neck guys so I ended  up staying night at their house and they would do my streaks on Snapchat b3cause I really couldn't do them.  And then while I was feeling so good I was like you know why not go further so I decided to get a tattoo so I got one of my friends who knows a lot about that type of stuff and I went with her one day because she was going to get one herself so we get there and I pick one out and he tells me to look In the mirror to see if that what I want before they make it permanent, and idk what it was but it just like it hit me when i looked in the mirror I mean the belly button ring the tattoo I mean is that really who I was or wanted to be? But it made me think that this is not the real me it's not who I am or want to be. I'm just doing this because I'm trying to avoid all the problems that are going on with me and I'm going about it the wrong way. So I never got the tattoo and I took the belly button ring out and as for drinking well I'm still doing that because I need something to just make me feel good for once.

But along with that I just didn't feel like talking to anybody so I would just put my phone on silent and after sleeping for a bit I would go over to some  of my guys friends house and drink till I started feeling better.

On top of this some stuff was sent for my streaks some I remember doing and some I don't remember doing but either way it came into conflict with my three closest friends and some stuff was said and I will say I should have handled it better than I did but when I heard about it I just snap at them and it was because I was just stressed and done with everything that I snap at the first thing that setted me off. And I can't blame it on them because they don't know what going on with me an I haven't told them because it just difficult to try to  explain even to the closets friends how your feeling at least for me it is.

And I called my best friend some names that I really wish I could take back but neither of us are  talking right now and if I did try to say something they wouldn't answer or it would just turn into something that I don't need right now.

But I mean I guess my family is right I mean  I'm failing as a friend, as a daughter, and I'm even failing myself. So none of this is helping at all and I know others are going through stuff to like I know it not just me. But during the friend conflict one of my friend said some stuff about me and it was really hurtful comi g from her and it really didnt help how I was already feeling but then again I'm not blaming it all on her because I did deserve it and some of the names I called her probably hurted her more than I realized it would.

And now I have those commits to looks back on plus the ones I am reminded of on a daily basis and on top of that one of my closest friends like she is like a sister to me when I went up to her in the hallway to try to talk to her about the situation with the conflict and I was just mad and what I meant was to push her to the side but I kinda did it a little to aggressively and  didn't mean to but I did and I know  her history about stuff like and I kinda just setted  her off. 

I have never felt more horrible in my life I mean what  kind of  a friend am i?? So I also have that running through my head because I can say I'm sorry to her all i want but the fact that I did that I just don't know. All I do know is I'm just done with a lot of stuff and the one person that would understand all of this is no longer here. I just don't know what to do or what's gonna happen but I'm sorry if this was a bit of a depressing rant but I just needed to get it out of my system and it a little easier writing it then it is telling it.