Imagine reliving one day out of your life over and over again.
Which day would you choose? What if you didn't get to choose?
That was the hell you put me through. Over and over, the world around me replaying like a song put-on repeat I couldn't stop hearing.
But it was from that never-ending loop of twenty- four hours that a new Raven was born.
You know that feeling when you are snug, sinking into the soft foam of your bed, feeling warm and safe, dreaming of living on a yacht with your celebrity crush and then-
"BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP!"
God, I hate that sound.
I laid there with cold reality filling my mind for a while staring at the eye wrenching, yellow illuminating 6:05 AM, praying for the extra hour of sleep that never came. Slamming my fist on the blaring alarm clock and pushing myself out of bed physically and mentally, I started my sleep-deprived morning routine that never fails to make me late for school.
The shower is when the best thoughts come to me. It's when I figure out how I'm gonna finish an essay I didn't write before school or if I'm going to actually try to not look homeless for once. The continuous solution for both situations: Not to try at all because the effort... not worth it. A boyfriend isn't even in my vocabulary. And it's a Monday. Also, can someone explain how boys-
"Raven! Hurry up, you're gonna be late for school... again! Do you want a detention?"
My mom is pretty basic. Nothing special. My parents will never be the main characters in any story. Maybe their love story but- I sprayed on some vanilla-scented deodorant, swiped on what was left of my clumpy Dollar Store mascara, and trudged down the stairs. Mom threw a sandwich on a plate and pointed to the small TV sitting on a counter at the same time.
"...some of that Christmas cold will be felt throughout the day, but it should be a very sunny Monday morning. Back to you Clark..."
I hate Mondays. I get automatic depression when I come downstairs, too. Not to be dramatic, but she's made me the same thing for breakfast every day this year, the bread is like flat what the-
"Have a good day at school! Don't forget to wear a jacket. And you're going to ballet today, no more skipping dance. Hip hop is tomorrow. Stay away from boys and remember, every grade counts towards college, and no college means-"
"No future, yeah I know."
The car ride to highschool was silent. I watched myself accidentally smudge my white Vans from the dirt stain on the car's carpeted floor, then tap them to the beat of an Ikea commercial. If you don't study, then you'll fail the test, and if you fail the test then you'll have a bad grade, and if you have bad grades then you arent going to college, and no college means no future! This was something that constantly replayed screamingly loud in my head at all times. I'm in my head a lot as you can see. I don't take ADHD medication because it'll just make the overwhelming anxiety curse worse. Stress is something I'm trying to cope with but it's hard. Why does the whole system of life have to be so stressful? I don't even know what I want to do in the future. I burrowed my face into the soft jacket sleeve covering my arm.
Clemtell West Highschool consists of four separate buildings surrounding a circular cemented commons area, a large parking lot, and a variety of groups of people that I couldn't manage to fit into. I had friends (promise me, I'm wasn't the deeply alone type) but I couldn't consider them close or even real. Being a junior and still not having anyone to vent my life concerns to sucked. School sucked. To me, it was just a pathway to my unplanned, doomed to fail, possibly jobless future. After fast-walking in the annoyingly cold weather to my first period before the bell could catch me, I slumped down in my seat to take a math test on imaginary numbers that I studied way too hard for because remember... you're future depends on it.
