Darkness (Book Two, Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

chapter 12 - Bad Eggs

Xander, Willow and I sat next to each other in teen health class.

The teacher, Mr. Whitmore, was writing 'SEX' on the board. "S-E-X. Sex." He turned to face us. "The sex drive in the human animal is intense. How many of us have lost countless productive hours plagued by unwanted sexual thoughts and feelings?"

"Yes!" Xander answered, raising his hand and nodding. "Mm-hm."

Willow gave him a concerned look.

I gave him a smile, laughing silently.

"That was a rhetorical question, Mr. Harris, not a poll," Mr. Whitmore told him.

Several students laughed.

Xander lowered his hand. "Oh."

"Of course, for teenagers such as yourselves these feelings are even more overwhelming," Mr. Whitmore told us. "With all sorts of hormones surging..." Willow was clearly nervous, and looked back and forth between Xander and giving her attention to the teacher. "...through your bodies, compelling you to action, it's often difficult to remember that there are negative consequences to, uh, having sex. Would anyone care to offer one such consequence?"

Cordelia raised her hand.

Mr. Whitmore gestured to her, giving her the floor.

"Well, that depends," Cordelia told him. "Are you talking about sex in the car or out of the car?" Mr. Whitmore looked confused. "Because I have a friend, not me, that was in a Miata at, parked at the top of the hill, and then she kicked the gearshift, and--"

"Yeah, I, I was thinking of something a little more commonplace, Ms. Chase," Mr. Whitmore told her.

Xander raised his hand.

Mr. Whitmore gestured to him.

Willow looked at Xander.

"You wanna talk negative consequence?" Xander asked. "What about the heartbreak of halitosis?" Cordelia looked at him. Xander looked back. "I mean, a girl may seem spiffy, but if she ignores her flossing the bloom is definitely off the rose."

Cordelia immediately raised her hand again.

Mr. Whitmore exhaled and gave her permission to speak again.

"Like that compares to kissing a guy who thinks the Hoover technique is a big turn-on," Cordelia said.

Willow and I looked back and forth between the two of them, very confused, exchanging a look.

The exchange began to draw muffled comments from among the other students.

"What about having to feign interest in her vapid little chit-chat just so you can get some touch?" Xander asked.

Cordelia was incensed.

"Now," Mr. Whitmore said. "Another consequence of sexual activity? Anyone?" Cordelia raised her hand again. "Uh, else?"

I raised my hand.

Mr. Whitmore gestured that I should speak.

"How about pregnancy?" I asked. "That would be a major one, right?"

"Thank you, Miss Francis," Mr. Whitmore told me. I looked at Xander and Willow, sitting back, smiling smugly. "Among teens unwanted pregnancy is the number one negative consequence of sexual activity. So, as discussed last week, I present you with..." Mr. Whitmore took a sheet off of two trays of eggs. "...your offspring." I looked at him weirdly. Willow smiled. "You will split into parenting teams. You and your partner will share equally in the daily task of raising your egg." He took a tray to distribute. "Now, please choose a partner and come pick up your children."