Breathe

06. Aditya Gokhale

Shruti cries into my chest for well over a minute. I am immobilized, unsure of what to do. Comfort her? But how? Say something.

'It's okay.'

Stupid. Of course it's not okay. Her mom's dead and her dad's on the run. How can it be okay? Say something constructive, Aditya. Help her through this. But nothing comes to my lips, no words of wisdom, no reassuring observations. Just a sea of silence, humming tunes of nihilism in my mind.

She lifts her head off my chest, takes a step back. People are staring, slowing down and turning their heads just to catch a glimpse of the latest source of gossip. Do I care? I sure hope not. Fuck them. Shruti takes a second to get composed, wipes her eyes and cheeks, takes a few deep breaths.

'I...' she whispers, 'I am glad. She was horrible to me and dad. If something didn't go her way, she'd fly off the handle and start hitting me. She said it was important to rule with an iron fist, but is that what family is about? Keeping people in line? Ruling? Enforcing your will on those you claim to love?'

'Of course not,' I say. 'Some people use legitimate issues to justify their lust for power. They don't want what's best for you, only control over you.'

'I suppose,' she says, an almost unnoticeable shake of the head. Vulnerable. Angelic.

'It's okay,' I say again, more confident this time. 'I don't believe that there's any order in the universe, that everything happens for a reason. But I do believe that we can make our own order, our own reason. As John Milton said in Paradise Lost – "The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven...". What happened to you would break anyone down, but if you let it, it can make you stronger than ever before.'

'I...' says Shruti, overwhelmed, her voice quavering, close to another burst of tears, 'my head hurts.'

Should I reach out, comfort her? But I don't know how to do that. What if she doesn't want me to touch her? Would that cross any lines? I'm fine crossing mental boundaries, not physical ones. But aren't the two linked?

Stop driving yourself insane, Aditya.

Deciding to fuck it, I reach out and place my hand on her shoulder, give it a reassuring squeeze. She keeps her hand on top of mine, and we stand here for a second, frozen in time. I can feel something, a kind of electricity, pulling us together. Heart hammering, ears ringing. Everything inside me seems to have... surged.

Eventually, she looks down, removes her hand. I remove mine as well, and we stand in silence for several mind-numbingly long moments.

'I should go,' she says finally.

'Yeah,' I mutter, not making eye contact.

'See you later.'

She turns around, seemingly in slow motion, and walks away, leaving me rooted to the spot. Watching her leave, I realize that the scream in my mind is back, rendering me unable to think, feel, be. I can't get close to her.

Love is dangerous.

As soon as I step into the office, I feel Radha's glare boring a hole into my skull. Just as I thought, she's in her chamber, looking at me as I've broken one of the seven commandments.

'You don't understand what "objectivity" means, do you?' she asks as I down opposite her.

'She was hurting.'

'You like this girl, Aditya. That's a problem.'

'You think I want to like her? If I had my way, I'd be free of those pesky afflictions known as "feelings" for the rest of my life. But unfortunately things don't work that way, and I have to feel from time to time.'