Pain and Pleasure (Bucky Barnes x Reader)

Ch 6: If You Love Me

TW: mentions of violence

Bucky returned to the compound the next day after having the longest talk with himself about whether he should seek help or not. Bucky chose to seek it, he couldn't live with himself if he had actually hurt you and meant it but on the other hand, did he even mean to scare you? He doesn't know. Not everyone knew about what happened the night before it was only you, Steve and of course Bucky there really was no need for anyone else to know.

You woke up early and left Steve's room, you had slept on the couch after he told you millions of times that he will sleep on the couch but you protested each time. You showered, got dressed and went back to your lab, your sanctuary, your happy place. You didn't really want to socialise with anyone so you kept yourself to yourself and worked, trying desperately to distract yourself from your thoughts.

Tony came in a few minutes later asking you to type up files since the person who was supposed to be doing it hadn't arrived to work yet, taking the files you said you'd have it done asap and he left after that. The files were stacked up to the height of your computer but as long as it kept you busy you didn't mind doing someone else's work.

The first thing Bucky was going to do was look for you, he checked his room but it looked the exact same as he left it, untouched, then he knocked on Steve's door a few dozen times. Steve answered, he had just got out the shower, shirtless and wearing grey sweatpants while he ran a towel through his hair.

"Where is she?" Bucky asked desperately, looking steve dead in the eyes. He wasn't mad but more panicked, I suppose.

"Where she usually is. In her lab." Steve answered shortly, Bucky thanked him and ran off down the corridor and made his way to your lab. Steve shook his head and grabbed a shirt and chased after Bucky.

Halfway through typing up the report files you had begun to lose interest in them and lazily typed them up, one hand supporting your cheek and you used the other to type slowly. The doors to your lab opened and you couldn't be bothered to look up from your desk so you stayed staring at your screen until he said your name.

"Y/n, we have to talk." Bucky was out of breath, for once. You straightened your back and moved your chair a little bit away from your desk, then Steve came through the doors, you looked at him then st Steve. You opened your mouth to say something but Bucky had cut you off. "Please Y/n, I'm begging here." He pleaded.

You looked around the lab and some eyes were on you then they looked away and carried on what they were doing. "Fine but not here." You led the boys out to the corridor, may not be as private but it wasn't crowded.

"So I guess I'll start with I'm sorry-" Bucky started but now you cut him off.

"Right let me stop you there Bucky, you really frightened me and you knew that also you were aiming for my head if I had been any slower in ducking I'd be in the hospital right now. If you think apologising is going to make this all better you have to try harder. Apologising for something like this is like sticking a band aid on a broken bone and hoping that it heals." You sighed and looked at him with so much emotion in your eyes.

"I know, but I want you to know I really am sorry and that I've figured out a way to help me." Bucky took both your hands in his, not looking away from your eyes. "I was offered to go to Wakanda to help clear all this stuff out of my head but turned it down not thinking there was a need for it, now I have a reason to get better." He kissed your knuckles.

"And what are you hoping to achieve after that Bucky?" You tilted your head and your voice came out almost a whisper. You also thought of a solution but it was pushed to the back of your mind, you didn't want to have to resort to it.

"What do you mean?" Bucky looked at you in confusion and hurt.

"Bucky you weren't the only one who has been thinking. I have been too." You swallowed the lump in your throat "I think we should p-put this on hold until you are better s-since you said you were seeking help." You slipped your hands out of his and turned around to walk away.

"You." You stopped walking but didn't turn around. "You are what I'm hoping to achieve, I want you back more than anything Y/n. I love you."

You stayed frozen on the spot "And I loved you." You walked away, using both hands to wipe the tears that had escaped your eyes. You shouldn't be crying, this is for the best? Right? Who are you kidding you may have just lost the most important person in your life at the moment. How can you be okay with letting him go? If he really loves you he will make the effort in getting help and if you really loved him you would happily wait patiently which you are.

Bucky watched as you entered your lab, still standing there absolutely speechless. If he heard you correct you had said 'loved you' but he's determined to get you back but he's going to do it in the right way. Steve saw his best friend's struggle and clasped his hand on Bucky's shoulder.

"Hey, she'll come back to you trust me she will. Do you need a hand?" Steve tried to comfort him but it's not his area of expertise.

"Let's just get this over with so I can come home to my best girl." Bucky smiled and winked and Steve.

"I'm pretty sure that's my saying, jerk." Steve scoffed and smiled at him.

"Mine now punk." Bucky patted his shoulder and went off to his room.

"I'll let T'Challa know you'll be arriving."

You got home after work, it felt strange returning to an empty house, not running into Bucky's arms and him spinning you around, planting kisses on your forehead. You smile at the memories, they were painful to remember but you'd much rather remember the good times than the bad. You figured you would clean the place up a little more, Bucky had already cleaned up the majority of the broken glass and stuff but nothing wrong with more cleaning.

You changed the bed sheets, swept the floors, changed the bind, cleaned the dishes and clean the laundry then put some away. You also came across some of Bucky's shirts in your drawers and that's when you felt utterly guilty about what you said 'And I loved you' sure very believable. No. You still love him and it will never stop. You will wait for him and he will come back to you, your world isn't going to stop turning, not now not ever.