Hi, my name is Lara and I have 80 days left to live, so I am going to try and live them to the fullest. No, I don’t have cancer or anything like that. On December 31st this year, I am going to kill myself.
It was only today I decided the date, but now that it’s set, I can barely wait! I know exactly how I’m going to do it, what time I’ll do it, and what will be written on my suicide note. Well actually, I’ve written the note, because I want my handwriting to be eligible, not a scribbled mess stained with tears.
I suffer from depression and I yesterday I stopped taking my anti-depressants. I’m saving them up so I should have at least 82 (so 160mg of fluoxetine hydrochloride). With that, I will down a bottle of cough syrup. Also if I can, I will take a few stilnox, to make the experience more enjoyable. And I may slit my wrists and suffocate myself, or something else, just to be on the err… can I safe side considering that I will do whatever I can do to ensure that I die?
I have attempted suicide once before, on the 22nd August, 2012. I overdosed on paracetamol, ibuprofen and panadene. Sounds pretty stupid, but it was actually pretty dangerous. Throughout my overnight stay in the hospital, they kept on repeating “This was a very dangerous thing you did. It is concerning that a 13 year old took over 50 pills.” I sat there thinking “Um yeah, I was trying to kill myself! Of course I was going to do something dangerous!”
You may wonder, why does a 13 year old girl want to die so badly? Well I’ve gotten to the point of not even knowing anymore. Is it because society is so screwed up? Is it because I am just unnecessary pollution? Is it because I deserve it? I don’t know. Probably all of the above. But pretty much, all I know is that I need to be dead. I should never have been born. I got a question thing on tumblr from one of my friends asking if I could do anything without failing, what would I do? I still haven’t answered her 2 months on. I can’t because my answer is die. I don’t think she’s like that very much.
Today I haven’t cut. Wow! That’s something I don’t say every day. I shall take that back because I need to cut now. Knowing that I haven’t scarred my skin creates an urge to do it. It’s like air to me, I need it. I need to feel the scarlet drops pouring out. I need to feel the pain.
So, I have 80 days to live. That’s a confronting statement. I mean, even though this is what I have chosen and I long for the day to come, it’s still scary. I think about who will find me. Probably my mum, since she’s the only one I live with. I hope she’ll be okay. I hope she doesn’t have a heart attack or anything. I hope she has the common sense to just forget me, forget I was ever born. And then I think about my friends. But are they really my friends? I honestly can’t answer that. Well, I shall rephrase that sentence. And then I think about the people who I call my friends. What will they do? Will they even care? I doubt it, I mean I was just a bitch that sat with them. What about my brothers? I have two half-brothers- Ricky (8) and Corey (6). They’ve pretty much met me once. They’ll survive. They might not even have to know. I’m not sure. I will definitely be sending them a letter before I do it. I’ll send it with their Christmas card, saying I love them heaps and heaps!
I should write a bucket list of things I have to do before I die. But they need to be accomplishable and without question. Hmmm…. Let’s see….. What do I want to do? Die? Cut so deep that it doesn’t stop bleeding? Be skinny? I don’t know, I’ll think about it tomorrow, and hopefully I can update you then.
It’s 3am and I’m getting really tired, which is strange for me as I can’t usually sleep until about 5am. So I guess I better go sleep while I can. I’ll keep you posted every day, for my 80 days.
Love you all heaps,
--Lara Xx
