Blood tears. [Edwin Oneshot]

Edwin OS

His own breath was burning his throat and lungs. He slowly run his hands to his throat, trying to calm his breathing down, then he glanced to his right side. 'good she is still sleeping.' Waking up his wife because of his nightmares or panic attacks was the last thing he wished.
He cautiously sat on the bed, afraid of waking her up. He looked through the window, it seem that it was the middle of the night.
-Fuck...  He mumbled to himself, realizing there was few hours left before Winry would wake up to work.
He sighed and tried to get out of the bed without moving Winry too much, knowing he won't go back to sleep right now.
He carefully walked to his desk, aware of every sound that his steps were making, then sat to his desk.
He slowly opened a drawer, unfortunately he was far from being silent because of his shaking hands.
He took a deep breath ( at least he tried  his best to) and took an old notebook from the drawer and closed it.
He looked at it few minutes, in silent.

-Long time since I didn't used you, uh? He whispered as he was running his fingers on the notebook's cover.
He slowly, almost shyly untied the string that was keeping the notebook closed.
He quickly turned the pages until he found a blank one.
He took a pen (even if his hands were shaky as hell), and pressed it against the paper.
But nothing came. Even in his head, there were no words anymore to describe how he felt. He waited few minutes before putting down the pen, and sighed.

'maybe drinking some water will help?'
He thought as he went down to the kitchen, picked a glass and filled it with water.
This doesn't helped that much, actually being far from Winry was really increasing his anxiety. He knew that he should go back in his room, but it felt like his foots were stuck on the wooden floor.
He began to feel nauseous, and the inevitable happened:
He threw up in the sink, thanks to his anxiety.
-Fuck ! I...
He began to yell before stopping himself, remembering that his wife was still sleeping .
'Why do I have to think about it right now? It's not the moment! It's never the moment...
Time heals they says uh?'
-But It doesn't heal anything ! He ended up thinking out loud.
He left himself falling on the knees, too emotionally tired to care about the sound he was making.
He slowly placed one of his shaky hands on his face, letting out a small laugh, comfirming how low was his sanity at the moment.
-I am so fucking sorry... 'I went through hell' i used to say, but actually only Al went through it.
He couldn't even feel human warmth, or just rest...
I am such an awful big brother...

He let out another small laugh before keeping on blaming himself:
-Maybe Tucker, that bastard, was right, maybe I don't have more value than him? After what I have done to you... My little brother...
I just stole your childhood...
Some tears began to run on his face, as he was glacing at the ceiling, feeling more pathetic than anyone on this earth.
'why does all my nights have to be like this ..? I need to calm down...
But I will only feel better when I will pay for my sins...'
He thought as his glance was slowly falling down to a drawer.
- One more, one less, who will notice?
He hesitated, before slowly standing up, and trying his best to reach this drawer and opening it.
-ahah... If teacher was seeing this, she would have killed me.
He mumbled to himself, smiling nervously, as he was running down his fingers on a knife's blade. The cold of the metal, mixed to the stress made him shiver.
He slowly took the knife from the drawer, and looked at his left arm, which was full of scars that he got from battles.
-Nobody will notice...
He whispered as he was pressing the blade against his skin. The feeling of the cold blade penetrating his flesh mixed to the warmth of his own blood running from the cut he made, created a fake reassuring feeling, a feeling of satisfaction.
He repeated the act over and over, never getting bored of how soothing it was.
He slowly closed his eyes as his blood was dripping on the floor.
- I know even if all my blood flows on the floor it will never be enough for what I've made you going through, Alphonse.
He whispered.

-Edward? What are you doing ? I heard weird sounds and--
She gasped as she saw the blood on the floor.
-Fuck ! Ed are you alright? What are you...doing... just...
She ran to him, panicked. Edward released the knife that fell in a cold metallic sound.
-I am sorry winry. You shouldn't see that.
Edward said in an emotionless tone.
-You're fucking crazy?! How many times did I told you to wake me up if something was wrong?!
(Tears began to run down her cheeks as she was scolding him.)
Why do you always want to bear everything on your shoulders? Why do you never talk to me? I am your fucking wife! Aren't we supposed to communicate?!

- Sorry, I didn't wanted to hurt you...
He left his sight falling down to his feet, too ashamed to watch her in the eyes.
- I dont care that you hurt me but...
(Her voice was breaking from the pain she felt in her chest, as more tears were running down her cheeks) I wouldn't let anyone hurting you, not even your own self...
Edward... So many people hurted you and, you don't need to destroy yourself more than you already are...

She took her husband's injured arm and cleaned the wounds, she kept talking but Edward remained silent:
-I am aware that I don't know what you've been through with Al, but I will always be there for you two.
If can't talk to me that's fine, if you just need a hug or even, just someone by your side, I am here for that. As a wife, that's my role to support you.
-Winry, you don't have to see that side of me, I--
She cut him off, and forced him to watch her in the eyes.
-Edward. I didn't married your 'good sides' but your whole being. I know that what is in your mind is heavy and scary, but I am ready to fight it by your side.
After she finished putting bandage on his arm, she bring his hand to her lips and softly kissed it.

-Edward, no matter how dark your mind is, I am strong enough to bear it with you, because I love you more than anything.
She smiled as she was trying to reassure him.
He embraced her and hid his face in her neck before she could see him crying.
She slowly stroked his hair as her he was letting flowing a whole river on her shoulder.

'Winry, you're fantastic as mom was.'

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Okay. I mostly wrote it because I needed to vent due to personal issues, so yes it may be not that good, but here is it.
Don't worry i am still working on fixing heart's chapter 4, I just really needed to get something out of my chest ahah...