Into the infinite

this hand will always extend to yours

It's crazy ending up here. I'm sitting on his mothers futon looking down at a 40z of budweiser listening to his stepdads crazy stories about Louis. I tried my best to resist this woman. I made it my mission to fight with her call her names and a shitty mom for not caring about her son. And here I am eating every single last word. She helped us in ways we did not deserve. We just showed up to her place desperate seeking shelter. She opened the door. She did not have to have my disrespectful ass in her home. But here I am. And boy did I try my best to turn that around. More importantly I was starting to get sick from the booze. I woke up with the shakes. I had passing delirium. I was an angry sweaty piece of shit. Me and Louis started to have actual arguements. Stupid ones. But they were always about the same thing. He wanted to get serious and start a family and I still wanted to simply party. I never took to intervention help you see. I always saw it as an attack on me myself when it was my addiction. It took all them of them months to get me to chill out. At first I tapered down so as to not have seizures and pass out. It wasn't enough. I remember waking up at 3am just to go puke in her bathroom Louis angry with me for not stopping. He left. He did something he never did before. He took his backpack and just said I'll be back. He didn't return until the next day. I found myself leaning over the kitchen sink wet with tears unscrewing my 40oz and dumping the whole fucking thing down the drain. I can't do this anymore. Louis came back later on that day not saying a word just holding me close while I cried. The next day I told her I was quitting. And there I laid on that futon for three days detoxing enduring and hating myself. She gave me medication Gatorade crackers anything to help. And my body took well to it. I went to the hospital a few days later just to get checked out. I wanted to see if I had substantial liver damage. Thankfully this was not the case. I signed up for AA. And I was diligent about attending. Louis found a job selling speakers to get some income and I made trips to the city to spange still so we could maybe get a place together. We spent our evenings at the Lirr station cracking jokes still smoking weed. We would dress up in all of our finest outfits and just walk around town. Our dynamic started to change again. We wanted to get out of being homeless. We wanted a life together beyond the occupation. Soon however within the drunken fights between his stepfather and his mother we realized we just couldn't stay. He took all of her money one day their rent and their savings and dipped out. She also now had to leave. I felt so guilty and terrible. We put whatever we could towards her last month of rent and tried to figure out what to do. One night I talked to Louis laying out on me grinning at family guy. "Let's get my birth control removed "I said gently running my fingers through his hair. He looked up at me "Are you sure? Because I want this." I nodded. The next day I was back at the hospital getting my IUD removed. But the sad truth was even if I did become pregnant we would in fact still be without a place to call home.
So we ventured back to the city. Hardly anyone was at the church nor union square. So we set up by the pier again hoping we could come up with a plan before another winter hits. The police wouldn't even let us sleep the first night there. We ruined it. So we weaved in and out of the side streets testing spots hoping it would work. It simply did not. So we went back to battery park. And loe and behold there was everyone else. I don't what it was about that particular spot we had maybe it was magic but we all were able to sleep eat and be people in peace with hardly any interference. Soon I found myself getting a different kind of sick. I couldn't keep food down. I felt gross as hell. I was sitting outside the cvs pharmacy where Jenn ran up to me asking me how I was etc. Me sickly gross glaring up at her long brown hair "Girl.... I think...I think I might be pregnant." She grabbed my hand and took me to cvs. Out of all the times I've stolen from this damn store this had to be the most important time. I took two tests and went to the Burger King bathroom across the street Jenn outside the stall thumping like a bitch.. and I watched those two dark lines get darker and darker with both tests. My hand cupped over my face trying not to scream. She opens the stall door looking down at me "Oh my god girl."
I met Louis at the park. Zuccotti had to be the place to tell him. I figured if he wanted this I shouldn't have any issue telling him. But I was still shaking like a leaf from being sick earlier on in the day. He walked over to me frantic and worried. I pulled the test out from my coat pocket. He began to cry. He lifted me up squeezing me so tight I thought I was gonna lose the baby already. But he was so excited. Immediately talking about pursuing another job finding a place etc. We ran to the church and told everyone. Everyone was so stoked hugs all around absolutely thrilled for us. Deep inside I was terrified. It was getting cold out. But thank god for friends. We found a spot across the 7/11 with the usual suspects even Lee. I felt safe. And the sidewalk itself was actually heated. For the first 3 months of my pregnancy this was my home. Everyone tried to pitch in getting me ginger candy and seltzer so I could spange and go about my day. I never had to bring any of my bags nor did I have to bribe anyone. They were my absolute saviors at the time. We got together packs of magic the gathering cards and played games at night. We shared food and weed. It was amazing. Of course the police started to engage with us. Starting with my friend Bryan. He was also a roommate from gay squat. He was a very soft spoken docile person. Never got into fights but never really engaged with anyone. We had a police van roll up one day on us and they caught him smoking. He swore it was k2. And it was in fact legal to buy and smoke. The cops yoked him up made threats and pretended they were going to end him. They told us our days at this spot were numbered. Even after the construction crew that worked there gave us the okay. I was so scared. And it was getting so so cold. One night me and Louis took our belongings and went inside this outside waiting area at the post office. We huddled together against the wind. We knew we couldn't keep doing this.
About a week later I find louis inside the 7/11 talking to another comrade named Rush and he begged him to just let us crash with him because I was pregnant now going on 5 months. He obliged. Now I never liked this guy but the hospitality was greatly appreciated on my sore end. I slept on his couch still panhandling but this time I'm back in bushwick only blocks away from where gay squat was. We stayed there for almost three months. Sadly his landlord saw me and Louis come in and out of his apartment and threatened to call the cops. I didn't know what else to do. My mind was spinning. Louis was so tired. I didn't have options but I may have had one.i never checked my social media back then. But as I was using the bodega wifi waiting for my sandwich to be made there it was in my inbox. My exes grandfather out in Ohio. He was worried about my pregnancy. He offered to have me and Louis come out there to live. To escape homelessness for good. I stared down at my phone wondering if he was serious. If I had to deal with my ex. But none of that seemed as important as the fate of this baby. We went to mount Sinai to find out the gender. The hospital knew I was homeless. They weren't hesitant to send a social worker my way trying to sway me into adopting out. I would not. While we were in the waiting room to do our ultrasound I showed Louis the message. He wanted to go. I explained how old fashioned my exes grand parents were. He didn't care. And as the nurse guided the jelly across my tummy she smiled up at me and said "Its a boy!." We looked at each other and cried. From there we planned our bus tickets both of us panhandling like crazy. But we did it.

We were gone.
And we didn't look back.

I remember being in chinatown by the bus stop not knowing years later I'll be at that same bus spot also going back to ohio but this time with Neil. We made a trip back to nyc for my 30th birthday. And it would be the last time I would lay eyes on Fritz. He bought my now children gifts and covered me in kisses making me and Neil promise we would come back. I swore I would.

This is for everyone that didn't give up on me.
This is for my comrades and the righteous truth.
It shall set me free.