Loving Myself Pt1

Day 1:

So im on day one of trying to love myself as i have really gotten a different persona by loosing it all as i am not the same person as i was in year 6 and 7 and to change in 4 years is kinda fast.

[BACKSTORY:]
So lets go all the way back to 2016 when i found out about a boy band called BTS because of my friend. I changed pretty much instantly. At this time i biased Taehyung (V) because i was told to. About 2 months later i found out about a very very very handsome man called Jung Hoseok (or just J Hope for short) and saw he got barely any attention and thats when my attention turned to him and well now look at me im the biggest J Hope stan going. Then thats when the bullying started because of me loving J Hope but at that point i didnt care beacuse i used to get bullied about liking Star Wars and stuff (I do still like Star Wars). Anyways everytime i made something BTS related someone would destroy it and call me names and tell me they font want to be my friend, so i was like "okay fine i will make new ones hopefully".

Fast forward to 2019, alot of stuff hapened between me and a Straykids fan and well we kissed and as usual i ask them if its okay and they say that it is. Low and behold people who started to really bully me in May 2019 popped up to me in AUGUST 2019 and say horrible things to me telling me they would "murder me" and give me "chinese burns". At this point they had left school so when the police told my school they did absolutely nothing and didnt even talk to me.

Lets just go back to February when people were spreading that i got "raped by a Jimin ghost" i got in alot of problems with my actual friends because that didn't happen (i also lost all of them for about 3 months of getting constant messages of them telling me they didn't want me, also around this time the bullies got someont to try to beat me up for absolutely nothing).

I felt worthless, i mean i still do and i thought documenting how i love myself with you guys would be a great idea.

Please if you have any ideas on how to love yourself i will drop my instagram:

@i_hatesnakeu_94

[NOW:]

Honestly after having a whole day of trying to love myself i feel as if i am only becoming 0.00001% stronger. I know it may not feel like alot, but to me it feels like i have come a long way from the people who have bullied me because i have gotten rid off the girls saying they would murder me and also i am trying my hardest to block people out at school.

Loving myself is proberly one of the hardest things for me to do to this day but i will still try because i dont want to loose anymore important people in my life because at school i have no one to talk to as people still bully me over the "rape thing" that happened a year agi and it still breaks my heart to this day because it shows that i have no true friends and honestly finding out everyone you thought were your friends were fake friends is pretty hard, especially if youre like me and bottle it all up.

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Day 2:

Today is my first day back at school so i am obviously a little less confident then usual because thats where most of the bullying takes place and if you have never been bullied, it messes with you really badly physically AND mentally. It makes you feel so insecure that you can't even be yourself anymore as that happened with me and now i have to have this persona where i hate KPop to hide the real me because people dont like the real me, they hate it.

I will document everything that happens at school but i can't give much detail as i will not remember it all but i will write how i will still love myself over all of it.

So far its lunch time and i have been cursing myself because i have been feeling horrible about myself but i am trying to call myself amazing but it isnt working. Lets hope it improves for the end off the day when i can speak to the people helping me out.

Then the fourth lesson of my day came......My chair was constantly being kicked and constantly called "Mexican" even though im not Mexican and people were saying that Donald Trump built the walls to "keep me out" and were just genuinly being horrible causing me to once again feel worthless and horrible about myself causing me to start giving up but then I remembered that i was strong and i just started shouting comebacks at him and also tried to ignore him. Also once again i have been bullied for liking KPop and laughed at.

[SUM UP SO FAR]
Today hasnt been as bad as i thiught it would be as i have had some fun but also it has balanced out with bullying but im hoping that if i ignore the bullied they will stop.

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Day 3:

Im lucky. Nothing happened on day three apart from my brother calling me names but i ignored him still loving myself.

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Day 4:

So today has been the worst day ever. This id because rumour has gone around again saying i have been raped and its annoying me. The teacher who our enemy always talks to is really ine sided and only thinks of enemy as right and will report me for bullying everytime enemy starts on me. So enemy lied about everything and blamed it on a online guy so i blocked him just to be sure (My family think its her in a fake account which i could see). So i get pulled out of class 4th period and the teacher tells me im stressing her out, frustrating her and confusing her. And gave me the wrong information and interprited my best friends statement wrong making me look like im in the wrong (and by the way my best friend was the one who told me about me being involved cus enemy told him).

We only think shes foung it for attention because no one in our year likes her. So this is started to make me hate myself really badly and makes me just want to hurt myself but friends are trying to stop me from doing it.

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Day 5:

So today has been amazing. She hasnt been in at all because she was suppossed to get punnished but i think she was scared of getting punnished. According to the other person being interviewed after i left the room she lied to the teacher saying she did nothing when she is also lied to the teacher about everything, which makes me feel like im more pathetic then i am but with speaking to my online friend who is in a simular boat of depression but for other reasons. Talking to him tonight made me feel worth something i just wish i feel like im worth something everyday.

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Day 6:

So today is a Saturday which means two days of having no trouble what so ever. I honestly feel alot better and i even called myself a 4-5/10 last night when i usually call myself a -5/10 i feel amazing. My family are just putting up my second shelf for my KPop albums so i am excited.

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