trigger warning, this book has descriptions of : self harm, extreme violence, graphic depictions of blood and gore, suicide attempts, mentions of self hate and physical descriptions of insecurities such as stretch marks, scars and negative body image. if you are sensitive to any of this, please be cautious.
The water glides over Emma's skin, cold to the touch. The dappled sunlight streams in through the crack in the window, creating dancing mosaic patterns on the wall tiles. The cold water tap just keeps on running, overflowing the bath and trickling down to the bathroom floor. She was numb to the cold, numb to the way the icy water felt against her skin. Numb to everything.
A breeze gently blew through the bathroom, swinging the baby hairs around that hung by Emma's face. She watched as they seemed to pause, suspended in the air. Frozen in time, stuck, trapped. Her eyes skimmed over the ash tray on the edge of the bath, full to the brim and past the point of needing emptied. From a distance it all blended into one big pile of murky, cancerous matter; but up close Emma knew that each grain was a different individual source of safety for her. Everything was just so interesting to her, so worthy of her undivided attention that she felt like she had to give it, becoming so absorbed in it she didn't notice the fresh ash slowly drifting down into the bath.
And in that moment, it's like she began to see everything for the first time, the mess and the chaos and the happy and the sad. The broken lock on the bathroom door from the time Alex and her got stuck in there playing hide and seek. The over flowing waste basket, that was full of chocolate wrappers rather than actual bathroom waste. The dirty towels that she just couldn't find it in her to wash, that she just couldn't find the energy to deal with. The water engulfing the bathroom floor, sweeping up the litter and mess in the current. The countless amount of pills and vitamins that she never really took, that she had been saving up for a special occasion.
Years and years worth of her life spent planning and preparing, all to just give her life up. Ironic.
A shot of sleeping pills and a cold bath was all it would take. It would be just like falling asleep, numb and cold and alone. No different to how she had spent every night for the past four or so years of her life. Maybe Alex had been next to her for the last few months, but she was still alone. She was clever, and she told herself she couldn't be tricked into feeling loved. But despite her intelligence, she still couldn't see how wrong she was. She still couldn't see that not everybody in her life was trying to deceive her and she still couldn't see just how important she was to him.
The house was quiet, but that wasn't anything new. The house was always quiet when he came home, it's like she was afraid of noise, but he'd quickly learned she was afraid of silence too. The white noise was like a blanket of comfort and security for her, holding her down and keeping her stable. He headed upstairs, smiling at the thought of the new copy of her favourite movie he'd bought and the fun they were going to have watching it tonight. He got about halfway up the stairs when he noticed the damp spreading through the dark grey carpet. She'd fell asleep in the bath again. She was always so tired now, and he felt like he could give her everything except the one thing she really needed. Life. He knocked on the bathroom door, not really wanting to just barge on. 'Emma? Come on Em you need to wake up'. No reply. 'Emma?'
He gave up, opening the bathroom door. I'm doing so, he revealed Emma under the water, passed out and slowly turning purple with the lack of oxygen. Her hair floating around her head like the most beautiful golden halo. The ashy grey bathwater hiding all of the panic and the worry and the problems. If it had been any other situation, Alex probably would have allowed himself to stand and watch her. To appreciate how beautiful and perfect she was inside and out. But time had sped up as it was, and he needed to save her.
Completely disregarding the fact he was fully dressed, with his phone in his hand; he waded towards the bath. He pulled Emma out of the water, lifting her from under her arms and pulling her forward, climbing in behind her. As he did so, his body displaced the majority of the bathwater, sending it pouring over the edge. He was crying, a mixture of his emotions and the shock of the cold water on his skin, but he didn't really notice either. He needed to get the pills out of her, he couldn't be sure how many she had taken and he couldn't lose her. She was all he had.
Shoving his hand down her throat repeatedly, the pills begin to come back up.
'That's it Em, that's it' he soothed, stroking her hair as she began to vomit. Again, and again, and again; she was repulsively, disgustingly and embarrassingly sick. But he stayed exactly where he was, holding her hair back and resting his hand on the small of her back. She was okay, he was there.
I started a new book to say sorry for disappearing for so long, I'm so sorry! I logged out of this account to make one with my real name so I could have two separate accounts, one for Alex and one for Finn Wolfhard but then I couldn't get back in this one :( I finally got back in there and I promise I'm going to try and update regularly! My new account is milliebobbyjohnson if you like Finn Wolfhard, the start of this story is the same as the start of 'bathtub' on there but the stories will be very different. Updates will probably be more often on here because nobody really reads my Finn ones so it makes more sense to update the one that people are reading. Thank you so much for reading and I'm sorry for abandoning yous<3
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- Millie x
