Babe Vs Gordy
Inspired by "Never Seen It' Podcast and my grandmother's vhs collection.
Babe: Young Bright eyed piglet
Gordy: Experienced, Famous Pig
Cynthia: Gordy's High Strung Friend Also a pig
Farmer Old guy wearing dusty overalls.
Detective is a detective.
Mr Tootles: Gordy's Lawyer, I guess he's Irish.
Scene One Babe Dreams of the City
We start with a shot of a small, rickity barn at night with a faint glow seeping from the windows. Inside a farmer is sloppily milking a cow by candlelight. He hocks up and spits into a spitoon in a nearby corner. Mere feet away from the spitoon is a pile of hay with a family of piglets suckling at a mama pig.
The farmer mumbles indisctinctly to himself before hocking up and spitting again into the spitoon which hits with a cartoonish ring.
The cow looks down on him in a pre-CGI sort of way. Like the cow was just responding a sound nearby and without any mooovement from it's mouth whatsoever, we hear a mooing sound effect.
Famer says: By golly, I'll be gad derned, Betsy. This has been my worst harvest ever. I just gotta figure out how I'm gonna save the farm. I reckon it's gonna take some sort of miracle.
All the while we are cutting back and forth between pigs being cute and, like, tumbling around and stuff.
We then see the farmer gently lead old Betsy toward a low fence to pen her for the night. He scratches her hind quarters.
Farmer: Night Betsy, thanks for the milk. Time to get drunk.
He takes a long slug off a generic bottle of brown liquid and slams it down on a wire spool table thing. Already swaying slightly, he begins unbuttoning his shirt. Same table, he fumbles a bit before pressing a button on an 80's era radio. Next shot is a sweaty, shirtless old farmer drunkenly shadow boxing next to a full sized punching bag alone in a barn to War Pigs by Black Sabbath. He makes a couple of connecting punches to the bag before getting slightly winded. Instead choosing to take another long pull off his bottle, head banging and make guitar noises with his mouth.
But just when the farmer is starting to forget his problems, he hears a small, screeching voice that wasn't Ozzy's go :
Babe: "Alright, yeah"
He turns around slo mo, to see a piglet standing tall on all fours, with his snout in the air.
"Alright yeah"
He does that move where he looks at his bottle and chucks it away.
He quickly unplugs the radio and stares at the piglet.
It looks at him and says "Hey, what happened? I love that song!"
The farmers eyes roll into the back of his head and he falls down. Fade to black
One year later:
Across town in a fancy high rise building marked with a stone cut sign reading Gordy Enterprises, we find an older, more experienced pig wearing a small top hat and a tiny monacle. He and a few female pig friends of his are relaxing in his custom hot jet mud bath. You can tell they are female because they wear bows on their heads. They are all sipping on beverages and laughing at a commercial for body wash in which dude is really enjoying a hot shower and sniffing his arm pits.
Baffled, Gordy chuckles to Cynthia. "Humans, man. I simply don't understand them. But where would I be without 'em, huh? Probably in a deep fat fryer in a carnival somewhere boring where they wear brightly colored neon. Ugh"
All the pigs giggle and snort except Cynthia who gulps loudly. Gordy takes a drink.
Cynbthia: I, I I, I uhhh.. I oof.
Just then a tabloid style pop culture news show comes on
Reporter: There's a new talking Pig in town and the world is squeeling with delight
Gordy spits out his drink and swims to other side of the mud pit to get closer to the screen.
Reporter: Move over Gordy, Babe is in the City and rumor has it, record agents are sniffing him out like a truffle. We caught up with him on his latest projects in this in studio interview. Watch this
Babe: Yeah, I've been singing a lot of classic rock tunes in bars across the country. You know. Pigs by Pink Floyd, obviously War Pigs is a huge influence of mine. That Green Jelly song about the 3 little pigs. SHout out to 3 Little pigs by the way.
Reporter: Your agent the farmer tells us you might have some other project in the works. Wanna tell us a little somethign about that?
Babe: Oh yeah. I got an album of originals coming out. "Oink at Me". I've really got a lot to say and music is a great medium for self expression. I've been singing since the barnyard and I've put together some music that is not only important to me, but is also gonna good enough to make an impression on you. So buy it.
Reporter: You heard it folks. "Oink at Me" available this Tuesday in stores and online and stuff. Make sure to follow Babe the Pig on Twitter, watch his music videos on Youtube. Like, COmment, and smash that Subscribe button. Back to you Jeff..
The screen switches off and Gordy leans backward, with a heavy grunt.
Cynthia: "Golly, Gordy. Whadya gonna do?"
Gordy: I don't know Cynthia. But I have a feeling it's gonna get sloppy.
Next Scene
Location: A Vastly Improved Version of the rickity barn from before but it's well lit, coated in fresh paint, and there's a Cadilac COnvertable parked on it's new driveway.
Inside Babe casually plays an electric guitar through headphones and The Farmer is on the phone, tense and chainsmoking. restraining his anger he says "And you can tell the owner that if they don't get some better securityup in this venue, then Babe The Talking, Singing Pig ain't gonna sing War Pigs tomorrow..."
then screaming Pacino style
"cause Babe The Talking Singing Pig ain't gonna be singing anything at that shit hole he calls an establishment, unless we get two or three heavy motherfuckers down there to crack some fuckin' skulls"
then suddenly errily calm
Farmer: "okay, darling? ALright now, kiss kiss"
The farmer slams the phone down and spits loudly at a jewel encrusted pimpp cup style spittoon in the corner.
Babe pulls his headphones down
Babe: What was all that about?
The Farmer: Nothing, really. We are just gonna need a few extra security guards for this show. Those fans were really aggressive last time. No way I'm getting another hair extension pulled out.
Babe: Relax, man. That means they love me. We had better get used to this because fame never fades and when my album drops, I'm gonna be crazy famous. I'm gonna be as famous as Gordy The Pig one day. Let's just try and enjoy the moment.
Farmer: Ugh. Yeah. You're right. I just really want what's best for you, Babe. You know, I really appreciate all the work you've done. After all, YOU really saved the farm. I can't believe I was about to slaughter you for your bacon.
Babe: And my whole family
Farmer: Yeah, so thanks. I want you to know that whatever happens, I love you, buddy.
They share a moment.
Just as Babe is about to respond, a call comes through the farmer's rotary phone. Babe gives the Farmer a knowing smile and starts to put his heaphones back on.
Farmer: What in the Sam HIll? I'll be gad darned!
He hurriedly fastens the buttons on his fancy white denim over alls and puts on his rhinestone Stetson cowboy hat with hair extensions attached.
Farmer: Boy howdy and shucks!
Babe: What is happening, boss?
Farmer: Jumpin' Jehosephat! We'll be there quicker than a junebug on a fryin' pan!
He slams down the phone, hocks up, and spit's into his pimp cup spittoon with a loud ring.
Farmer: Looks like there has been some sort of sabotage down at the record plant! We gotta get over there quik and see of there's anything we can do.
(Batman style wipe and musical sting but with Farmer's Face)
Detective: So as you can see, sir.. and (and looking at Babe) swine.
Babe: Thank you.
Detective: Somehow this pallet of records ended up in the recycling area. It's a common error, nothing of interest. But if we look here on the approval form, the signature line is just a muddy smudge that the geniuses down on the docking yard didn't notice. Upon further inspection, I'd venture to say that this ain't no regular smudge. That smudge has the distinct shape of a pig's nose.
He holds up the marked paper to Babe's nose.
Detective: Look... uh... familar to anyone?
Everyone looks around like whodunnit.
Detective: I"m gonna need you to come with me down to the station Mr Babe.
As the group walks away, lurking in the shadows, still covered in mud and wearing a bright blond wig it's the familar snout of none other than Cynthia the Pig! She laughs all evil but, like, super nervous she'll be seen.
Cynthia: Oh man! This worked out WAAAY better than I could have planned. Oh god, I'd better get outta here. Gordy is gonna LOVE this! mHahah! AhhH!
Next Scene:
Gordy, angry: You did what?!
Cynthia, happy: I know! But get this. Not only were they melted and recycled into Donnie and Marie records, but the cops think HE is the one who did it!
Gordy, really pissed off: Cynthia! What is wrong with you?Do you have any idea what you've done?
Cynthia: I thought you'd be happy! They were saying that this new guy was gonna, like, replace you. Then your carreer was gonna be over, and that, like, you weren't gonna be able to live any more. And that someone was gonna sell you to a butcher
Cynthia starts getting hysterical: they were gonna use you in a hamburger, and then the only time we'd get to watch you on TV was in a commercial for McDonald's where some disgusting human child would be chewing you up and smiling and smiling. And they'd all laugh and laugh..
Cynthia starts sobbing.
Gordy's face softens as a somber piano fades in a la Full House
Gordy: Cynthia, listen to me. Listen. I know that if I ended up in a burger, I'd be so delicious.
Cynthia: What?
Gordy: Well, in the fantasy scenerio you've built in your head, my carreer has declined to a point where I'm worth more dead than alive. And what a weird coincidence that a once rich and famous pig eventually ended up being eaten on TV.
Cynthia: I guess it's a bit far fetched, huh?
Gordy: Not really. The far fetched part is the part where'd I'd be so delicious the humans would fight over me. The reality is I probably taste the same as all the non talking pigs. They'd probably just enjoy eating me more because I could make commentary the whole time. 'Don't eat me' and 'Did I do that?' and 'debadadeebadeedabadee that's all folks".
Cynthia: You're, like super baked huh?
The somber music stops
Gordy: Probably, but we gottta do something about this. We can't let this hard working pig's future go to waste.
A modified, non-vocal version of 3 Little Pigs by Green Jello Plays.
Gordy: Us talking show pigs gotta stick together. Are you with me?
Cynthia takes a swig off a bottle of chamagne: Let's get down to Pigness
Montage with the following:
Babe being interrogated by the detective under an intense light
Cynthia Tweeting on her phone Hashtag #JusticeForBabe
Gordy making phone calls whilst sipping martinis.
Babe being thrown into a jail cell wearing a bright orange jumpsuit
Cynthia scrolls through all the supportive Retweets and Hashtag comments
Gordy and a well dressed, confident looking man walk down a hall, shot from a low angle to give the impression of bigness and power.
A Light comes on in Babe's Cell, waking him up.
Babe walks out of the door of the jail to find a huge crowd has gathered with signs reading stuff like #JusticeForGordy and Babe didn't do it.
Waiting near the top are Gordy, Cynthia, and Gordy's Lawyer. We'll call him Mr. Tootles.
Babe: Wow! Gordy the Pig! You're like a huge hero of mine! Are you the one who got me out of jail?
Gordy: Well, I helped. You can really thank my lawyer Mr. Tootles for doing the real work.
Mr. Tootles: Nice to meet you , lad. It's ridiculous. These cops think that a pig's nose is a pig's nose is a pig's nose. The prints didn't even slightly match. That was like teeball. Just keep me in mind for future legal issues. Here's me card.
The phrase Specializing in Swine Rights is somewhere on there. Babe was a little uncomfortable with it.
Babe: Thank you so much Mr. Tootles. So who knows who's nose it was?
Cynthia appears from outta nowhere
Cynthia: (Snort) We'll probably never know.
The crowd starts booing
In a warning tone Gordy says: Cynthia, do be honest with the young pig....
Cynthia: I may have had something to do with it. But I don't really remember all the details.
Babe: But why? What did I ever do to you? Wait? Aren't you that pig from the dog food commercial?
Cynthia looks around nervously: Don't worry about it, kid.
Babe: Yeah, you're Miss Oinxilott! Wow! I remember that commercial! Didn't you once get a costar wrongfully arrested for treason?
Cynthia: Yeah, yeah. Listen. I may have been a LITTLE jealous of your new stardom. And I MAY have been a little afraid of ending up as one of those Honeybaked Hams that they cover in layers of sugar and cloves and stuff. and... and... (she starts crying)
Gordy: I believe what Cynthia is trying to say is that the business can be brutal. Sometimes is can mess with your psyche, Some of us dull the pain with booze like me. (He swirls a martini glass). Some become a nervous wreck like my friend Cynthia here>
Cynthia. ...And when they're done, they'll wrap me in tinfoil and eat me on sandwiches for the rest of the weeek waaaaaaaaaH!
Mr Tootles: Some of us fight strangers in an underground boxing ring.
Gordy The point is, I'm Sorry and.... Cynthia!
Cynthia: I too am sorry. Can we be friends?
There's a brief, tense pause
Babe: Oh, I can't stay mad at you!
The three share a hug and the crowd cheers.
Someone in the crowd. Someone like a "You can do it" guy shouts out
Crowd guy: But what about the albums?
Crowd starts chanting. Oint at me! OInk at me!
Suddenyly a hiilarious musical car horn sound effect can be heard in the distance and the crown turns:
The Farmer shows up in his cadillac convertable and his rhinestone cowboy suit. He screeches to a halt, puts on his cowbot hat with attached hair extensions, and gets out running up the steps toward the pigs,
Farmer: Babe! Babe! Boy howdy! Someone up there in the clouds must love us or something because we managed to get the records manufactured just in time for Oink At Me's big release and the concert promoter is willing to pay us double because of all the exposure! Everything is gonna be just fine!
He uses a button on his keychain to pop the trunk of his caddilac car revealing boxes of records and some tshirts and other merch.
Babe: Oh boy, this is so great! Thank you all so much for showing me how much you care. I'll never forget you. Free records for all!
Everybody cheers and some a 90's style rap song comes on that summarizes the plot and stuff. Bloopers play over it at parts. Kids will love it until they see it as an adult.
The End
