Bit Of Both

The Empty Room- Chapter One

I feel empty when I wake,my dreams are mostly scary or fucked up,their a constant reminder of things I want to forget but I trap myself in them, "When I kept waking up for throughout the day i force myself to go back to sleep because there's not much being awake for exept fights with my parents and my siblings and me knowing I really need to get a job" I said this to a close friend after sleeping in untill 5:50PM over social media an hour or so ago and I think I'll add it because it describes it very well.

At least when I'm asleep I'm not eating which makes me fatter or talking and accidentally offending someone or walking and tripping over something and making everyone mad at me or wasting water or electricity or even more air then I would while sleeping,I act like a have a future sorted out but I really don't see myself living as an adult although I'm currently 15 ½ so maybe I will live that long, but then what happens?

I don't live near friends I trust and everyone school is fake and full of hate I don't understand why if one person hates someone then all their friends do too, I get told just to make new friends but that's kind of hard when the people that don't hate me have friends that do and I can't hang out with anyone because of it really. When it's time for break I have no idea what to do, I have no idea where to sit and no idea who to trust. Some people say I'm depressed others just think I'm pathetic I'm probably a bit of both but at least I haven't gotten myself killed yet.

I am still alive I may not always wish that was the case but I am still alive. Because of things that have traumatised me throughout my life I'm in the support class now and I have to speak to people outside school I think it's pretty stupid because talking about things that make me like this doesn't feel better to get off my chest it makes me feel worse.

Speaking with people might help someone but that someone is not me,I suppose my dad just thinks it's good for me to have some to talk to it's not like I can be completely honest anyways, there are things a teenager cannot just tell people even if you get told you can you can't, if you have a fight with a parent people jump to conclusions and think they're abusive I used think that my dad is a really bad dad because we always have arguments are always about something bad that I've done or said and I understand why I get blamed for a lot of stuff I my parents or my school probably some day the police but it is still awfully annoying.

When I was in year 7 I went over a friend's house and they had cuts on their arm and this person was one of my best friends and we did dumb stuff together and we would smoke together at the back of the school because that's what the kids that everyone liked did, anyways they showed me a blade that they had and I don't remember exactly what was said but I let them cut my arm because I had a wrist brace on so no one could see and then when I went home I found my own blade and I cut the skin where they cut it an added way more as in over 100 so at school it was noticeable and my wrist brace did no longer covered it all and my friends face was horrified they realised that I was way more fucked up then any of them that I would pretty much do anything to prove I wasn't weak which now seems pathetic and gross because I could have gotten my arm infected or cut a vein or anything, I was cutting myself until the end of last year so 3 years of that.

At one point I was dating an 18-year-old that turned 19 at the end of the year(I was 15 so he could get locked up)and my parents took my phone and I was so scared they were going to find out and he was going to get put in jail,one time I invited him to go to youth group with me and when we were there he wanted to go for a drive to Maccas and convince me to go with him and I was trying to convince my best friend to go with us who is now my boyfriend and I love him more than anyone else in the world but he was smart and didn't go and when we got back my dad was there and he took me home and he was really really angry but I don't think he asked about him, so when dad went through my phone I took apart a sharpener and cut my arm deeply 3 times and stood in front of my dad with blood running down my arm and said "are you happy now", he ran to me with a wipe and took my watch off so I won't get blood on it and wouldn't let go of my arm because he wanted to stop the bleeding and I was trying to fight him away even though he was just trying to help me and when he kept going through my phone afterwards I was in my hallway on the floor crying and screaming and hitting my head on the wall and no one could understand what I'm saying for 2 hours and 40+ minutes and my dad called my mum and she could hear me and she was scared that I was going to have to get put in a mental hospital, she lived a fair distance away so she got there when I heard pretty much just calmed down and I lying on the couch in my grey bloodstained jacket holding a toy I had when I was 4 that my dad had put in my arms when I was in the hallway and my dad looked so scared and I think that's when they realised how fucked up I am but they treated me the same afterwards, they didn't act like I was a psycho and my mum got the blood out of my jacket because I was sad because my dad said I couldn't wear in public because it was a scary sight or something and it would draw attention to my arm and I knew he was right and I dumped the guy shortly after I got my phone back because my mum took it off me for many months and I was so angry at her during that time but at the end of the day it was my fault no one and no one else's.