Written For My Friends

For Andrew When He Gets Back

I miss you, I really miss you. You have no idea how hard it'll be to go to school and church and not expect to see you there. To talk about you while your not there, act like your not. Because you aren't. You should be. I know you miss us too, and I want to hear all about what happened to you while you were gone, but later. Right now, you just need to read. I've always told you you could talk to me whenever you wanted, I'd respond, even if it took a couple hours. I'd still respond. You were the one person I'd look to when it came to my family dying, because you'd experienced far worse. You knew how to handle it, you knew what to do.
It's not your fault if your reading this and it's only because I've killed myself. It's not, and dont look back and think that it ever was in the future, because it isn't and never will be. It's not your fault, it's my own. I couldn't take my problems to someone professional, I couldn't seek help, I couldn't stop myself. It's my fault, and it'll never be yours.
Please, dont cry. Dont sob, dont wish for me back, dont look at a edge and think, 'Maybe now I can see her again,'or, 'She'll want to see me, she'll be happy to.' Dont look at a blade and slit your wrists, it's not worth dying to see me, even one more time. Dont look at a rope and think that you'll be happier in my presence, because even if you are, your family wont be happy without you. I wouldnt want you with me because I dont want you to die. I want you to live. I want you to graduate, find a decent job, settle down with the woman you love, have kids, watch them grow and have kids of their own, and watch those grow for as long as you can.
One day you'll look back at our lives as friends and wonder how you ever met me, how you ever talked to me like you did. Why we were ever like this, so young and dumb and naive. Why I ever tried to talk sense into you to get your grades up, to stop smoking, to stop drinking, to stop having sex at 13. Why I ever tried to talk you out of anything when I knew I'd never win. Trust me, I'll think back to those days, too. I'll think of all the dumb things we could've done, all the things we could've accomplished, all the people we could've met, and all the mistakes we made. I'll think about those for years.
You make me want to live, want to stay. I had never felt so bad about myself, never cried so much, and never wanted to die before. I had never thought of you that way before. I had never thought of you as a very caring person, but I knew that you were caring. I never thought you really cared for me the way you do, even though you had probably showed it more than I realized. You'll never understand why I did it, if I do it. I most likely wont, it'd hurt me too much to know that I hurt you. I'd hurt me too much to watch you live your life worse off without me then you were with me.
We might never get to talk in person, take pictures together, or get our pendants from school together when school ends this year, but I'll be thinking of you. Of how happy you must be with your Dad. How exciting all those places will be, how happy you'll be to see us when you get back. How happy you'll be to see that I'm still in one piece, that I'm happier at that moment then I ever was before. And I'll think about those future moments up until you come back. Up until I can hug you, take pictures with you again. I'll miss you so much.

Love,
Ryleigh.