When I Am Gone

Chapter 1

They called it autophobia, apparently. The specific phobia of isolation; a morbid fear of being egotistical, or a dread of being alone or isolated. Abandoned. 

When I was a kid, I refused to be left alone. Call it what you will: clingy, immature. At my young age, doctors and my parents put it down to a mixture of social anxiety and fear of abandonment. No one had thought that it would develop into what it was now; a phobia. 

It was the reason I spent every Friday evening at group therapy. I usually spent it zoning in and out as my good friend, Dr.Joshua Reid, chattered away. And although the both of us (though he denies it) know that I'm not going to get any better, I still attend as a courtesy to him and myself.

Psychotherapy wasn't fun.

Especially when you were forced to join other people who also had an 'irrational fear'. I found that the only similarity I had to any of them was the anxiety that came along with having a phobia. And even then, most of the others seem to be crippled by their worries; introverted and closed off. It rendered the session useless, turning the therapy into more of a social gathering. Unfortunately, it also meant I was picked on by Joshua to talk. 

Still, I was ever the optimist. And so I tried my best to brighten the sessions, as much as I disliked being there. Granted, many people hated the fact that I had a tendency to turn up in yellow because 'it's too damn late to be looking at the sun'.

And sure, it was a blinding contrast against the dark walls of the hall and the dull ambience... but at least we didn't have anyone there who was afraid of the colour yellow. 

It helped me; I found warmth in the colour in times of need, when the familiar icy panic began to slither up my body. 

With that being said, I'd never heard any objections to the treats I'd bring to the sessions. Especially Grace, who was a friendly old lady struggling with haemophobia. I wasn't quite sure how she had developed a fear of blood, or if I had the stomach to find out, but none the less she expressed a comical amount of excitement at whatever I'd bring. Especially my brownies. 

And so here we were yet again, just like the Friday before and the Friday before that. My friend Victor and I stepped off of the train at our station as I wrapped my yellow knitted scarf loosely around my neck. Victor was an elderly gentleman who I had offered to travel with to and from our sessions seeing as we lived close by to one another. And although I knew that he didn't particularly like me or my yellow clothes, I knew he put up with me in hopes of impressing Grace, who I suspected he had a small crush on. 

Travelling with Victor meant that my mum didn't have to drive me to help prevent me from being alone, and so I simply laughed off his grumpy comments about how he was fed up with modern pop culture and that dressing in my garish yellow clothes made me look like a delinquent. 

 We began the short walk towards the centre in which our sessions were held. I shivered slightly, readjusting my scarf so that it shielded more of me from the cool breeze, before linking arms with Victor, who let out a small grunt. 

"You wouldn't be so damn cold if you wore a proper jacket", he muttered. I let out a laugh into the cold night air. "That's very true", I responded. It was the middle of May, and although that meant it was Spring, we were in London and the weather here was never forgiving.

I let out a quiet sigh as we reached the building, holding the door open for the small man who mumbled a quiet thank you before strolling off to take a seat. As usual, we were the first ones there and so I readjusted the box of cookies under my arm before strolling off towards Joshua's office. 

"Hi", I chirped, placing my bag down next to his and taking a seat in front of his desk. He looked up at me briefly before looking back down at the papers strewn across his wooden surface. "Hey", he muttered back quietly.

I furrowed my eyebrows as I watched him move swiftly around the small room. I coughed lightly, smiling up at him and trying to meet his eye.

"How was your week?" I questioned lightly, only getting a mumbled 'good good' in response. A small knot formed in my stomach as I began opening and closing the lid to my box of cookies to distract myself. I observed him hurriedly moving around the small space he had decided to call an office, a prominent furrow in his brow.

I moved myself closer to the desk to try and see what it was that had gotten him so flustered. "What's all of-", "I'm sorry Linny, can you please just- I'm trying to focus, okay? Just give me a minute" he snapped.

The small uncomfortable feeling in my stomach spread quickly to my chest. I went silent at his tone, a tone he had never taken with me. Subconsciously, my foot began tapping against the wooden floor as I bounced my knee.

What if he was fed up with me. What if he didn't want to have to deal with me anymore. What if-

I snapped out of my thoughts as he walked past me towards the door.

He's leaving me. He's going to leave me all alone.

I stood abruptly from the plastic chair I was in causing it to fly back onto the floor, dropping the box of cookies onto his desk. Josh stopped in his tracks at the noise, turning around with a confused look on his face.

"Wh-where are-I don't-where are you going?". I shoved my hands into my pockets, attempting to play it cool but failing miserably as I walked over to him quickly. "Don't leave me alone". I mumbled quietly.

Joshua stopped, taking my hand in his. "Hey. Its OK" He stepped back inside the office to give us some privacy from the people who had now arrived

"I'm not leaving you", he said, as I crossed my arms in front of myself, leaning against the wall.

"You alright, kid?", he questioned, resting a hand on my shoulder as I tilted my head back, looking up at him.

I groaned, closing my eyes as I realised how I had just had a miniature freak out. "I'm sorry Josh. My mum left the house before I did and so I was alone before I met Victor and I've just been on edge. I'm sorry", I sighed standing up straight.

"No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have been so grumpy with you" he said as we walked out of his room into the main hall.

"Now," he said, turning to me with a grin on his face. "Do I smell cookies?". I threw my head back and laughed before lightly punching his shoulder.

"Not for you!", I giggled, running past him towards the rest of the group who were all sitting round in their chairs.

"Who wants cookies?" I yelled out raising the box up for everyone to see. A chorus of 'I do's came from the group as Joshua laughed behind me.