The Longest Good Bye

Harsh Reality

All the stage's we dealt with, seem to come faster than any doctor had thought of. And it's hard to comprehend that somebody that you love, is slowly dying, trapped with nowhere to go. There is no stopping it or slowing it down. There is only progression and hurt, and family's that became hurt because all they can do is sit there and watch helplessly as somebody, they love is fading faster than they can blink. We never knew what the next day would bring. How bad she would be. If she would be in a good mood ready to talk our heads of. We never knew what to except when we went to see her. My grandfather stayed with her as long as he could every day. He never moved, he stayed right there with her until it was time for him to go home. There were times she would follow us to the door and beg us to take her home, but we couldn't there was no way we could. The worst thing I ever had to do, was shut the door in her face, and listen to her bang on it, and yell, "Why don't you love me anymore?! Why are you leaving me?! Take me home please! Don't leave me here by myself!" I sat in the floor and cried, whispering repeatedly to myself, that yes Mamow I do love you and I'd give anything to have you home. I would pick myself up off the floor, whip the tears from my eyes and walk out the door, and cry all the way home. It broke my heart to see her like that; to see her so helpless and confused. To not help somebody you love, hurts, like a knife inside your heart. There were so many night's I would lay awake and try to remember life before she got sick, before she was taken by this disease. Those days had long since passed, and all the bad memories were starting to out-weigh the good.

All the stage's we dealt with, seem to come faster than any doctor had thought of. And it's hard to comprehend that somebody that you love, is slowly dying, trapped with nowhere to go. There is no stopping it or slowing it down. There is only progression and hurt, and family's that became hurt because all they can do is sit there and watch helplessly as somebody, they love is fading faster than they can blink. We never knew what the next day would bring. How bad she would be. If she would be in a good mood ready to talk our heads of. We never knew what to except when we went to see her. My grandfather stayed with her as long as he could every day. He never moved, he stayed right there with her until it was time for him to go home. There were times she would follow us to the door and beg us to take her home, but we couldn't there was no way we could. The worst thing I ever had to do, was shut the door in her face, and listen to her bang on it, and yell, "Why don't you love me anymore?! Why are you leaving me?! Take me home please! Don't leave me here by myself!" I sat in the floor and cried, whispering repeatedly to myself, that yes Mamow I do love you and I'd give anything to have you home. I would pick myself up off the floor, whip the tears from my eyes and walk out the door, and cry all the way home. It broke my heart to see her like that; to see her so helpless and confused. To not help somebody you love, hurts, like a knife inside your heart. There were so many night's I would lay awake and try to remember life before she got sick, before she was taken by this disease. Those days had long since passed, and all the bad memories were starting to out-weigh the good.

There would be good days where we sat and talked to her as she slept and hoping that she was listening to what we had to say, and there would be days that I'd lay my head on her lap and cry, wishing that she would just put her hand on my back or head and tell me that she's ok and that she's coming home soon. It's like being in a bad dream that you can't wake up from and walking dazed and confused, wishing that there was a cure and wishing that she didn't have to suffer like she was and not for as long as she has. Somedays when I would be there by myself, I would tell her things that were on my mind, things I knew that only she would understand. She always had that calming voice, but she would just lay there and listen, never saying a word. They ended up moving her from the unit she was in with other Alzheimer's patients to a unit where most everybody was, ones that could be mobile that were in their right mind, those who were there for rehab, or those that were bed ridden and needed extra care. By July when I would go see her, she really didn't talk at all and slept most all day long. She couldn't feed herself and she was dependent solely on those around her to feed and bath her. Her feet started to swell and get bed sores on them, her left hand swelled up and blusters formed inside them. She could no longer move, making it easier for that type of things to happen to her. She never cried out in pain, only when I would try to see her blistered hand would she cry out or try to jerk it away. Not to long after she started stage seven, she was placed on hospice. For those who aren't familiar with hospice it's a special group in health care that provides services to those who are terminally ill, with a 50% or less chance to live, in the doctor's opinion, less than six months.