I wish I never said "I love you"

:(

The happiest day of my life for far was December 7th 2019. That was the day Christopher asked me to be his girlfriend. Let me go way back, well about a month and a half ago. My bestfriend Alex was trying to hook me up with a guy and I was very sketched at first, but she works with him so I knew it wasn't going to be so bad you know. So I went up to her work after she got off and she sat in my car and I waited for him to get off. He came to her side of the window and was talking to us, just casual conversation. It was nice, we texted that night and the next day. I eventually went over to his house one night when he got off work. He showed me some fighting moves because he knows martial arts, which is pretty cool in my opinion. Almost a week passed and me and him were riding around etc, and when it was time, I took him home. We had never hugged or anything, and I was honestly so never to hug him because I really liked him a lot just hanging out with him for almost 2 weeks everyday. He leaned it and hugged while we were still setting in the car, I have to say it was such an awkward hug I have ever had haha. Then a couple days after I was taking him home and I got out of the car to hug him and after we hugged we were just standing there holding hands and looking into each others eyes. He has such pretty eyes and pretty smile, I could look at him all day without getting tired. Then all of a sudden he said "are you ready" which scared the hell out of me because we had talked about kissing and when would be a good time and I told him to just catch me off guard so it wouldn't be so awkward. Well he sure screwed that up for me, I was so scared. I had to take a couple of minutes but then I was ready, we kissed but only a peck, it was very awkward. But after a couple of days it was better. Think it was 3 or 4 days that had went by after that and he got into it with his dad and his dad kicked him out, he moved in with his mom, but I think he was really unhappy living there. The first time we had sex, was at my brothers house, we were both drunk as fuck, and it was just a good time. One day we were at his moms both of us we wine drunk on the front porch o was setting in his lap, we were laughing and having a great time. His little sister, Khloe said she had never met any of his grilfriends before and I looked at her and said well actually Christopher hasn't asked me to be his girlfriend yet, and then Christopher looked at me and said "well will you be my girlfriend" and I said "maybe you should ask me when you're not drunk" and he kept saying over and over that he wasn't but I wasn't buying it. Later we were hanging out and he asked me again, and that's when I said yes to Christopher and that I would be his girlfriend. That day was the best day of my life. One day we were having a good time drinking and he was also pretty high and he told me " you could ask me anything right now and I would tell you the truth" me not really knowing what he meant by that was just thinking of random shit to ask him. Then he wanted me to ask him more things, different things, I was gonna ask him if he loved me, but I didn't. Him asking for different things really lead me to that's what he wanted me to ask him, but I decided not to. Later that night we were laying in bed, and we were just talking. We were talking about sex and how he was high and he couldn't cum while we were having sex, but once I was kinda over it and stopped, he was thinking about us having sex and he came. And it made me feel like I couldn't do it for him and I told him that. And he said "I love you and your pussy" and I was shocked. He just told me he loved me. I knew that's what he wanted me to ask him. Then he said "would you cry if I died" and I said "Um yes I would obviously cry" and he said "why" and I said "because I love you" then he stared talking about something else and then was saying that he didn't even know what he was saying right because he was so high. That really hurt my feelings because it's like he wasn't saying he didn't mean to say that he loved me. After that he fell asleep, I went in the living room and cried myself to sleep. The next day we talked about it and I asked him if he remembered what happened last night he said yeah then I asked him about it and he said "just because i might not ever say it doesn't mean I don't feel that way" so that made me feel a lot better about everything but I was still upset. About a week or so after that we had got drunk at my moms birthday party and I just got to his house so we could sleep, and he told me he wanted to talk about that night, so we did. He was saying he wished he never would have said that and if he could take it back he would. And I was a mess, crying and all snotty, and he didn't know what to do to comfort me other than saying "I'm sorry" and I said "how would you feel if someone told you they loved you and just took it back" that was a bad night, but we got through it. After everything, almost a month had gone by and everything was amazing, I had never in my life felt the way I did about him, about anyone had had ever been with. Then he had changed... and I didn't know how to explain it. Just the simple things, he stopped texting me good morning texts and would almost not text me at all. We got into the stupid argument and I messaged him and apologized. I thought everything was going to be better after that. But it got worse. He seen my message and never replied. Then I went over to his house the next day to see him. After about 40 minutes of me laying in his bed trying to get him to get up he finally did. He didn't really say much, but on the bright side, he told me I could scoot over next to him, and he out his arm around me like he normally would, but it's was different. It was almost like he was scared to touch me. I said "do you hate me" and he said " what no why would I" and I said " I don't know, you never texted me back why I apologized to you I just thought" and he said " I didn't know how to respond without making you upset so I wasn't going to respond at all" which makes me upset too because he didn't text back. And after awhile he woke up more and we started talking, only for 15 minutes tho. We didn't really talk about much either. "i think that if we would have been friends for awhile longer you would understand me better and understood how I am" And in my head all I could think of "is he trying to break up with me?" And I said "what do you mean" and he just pretty much repeated it again but I was meaning "are you breaking up with me?" But I was too scared to say it. He was acting so weird like he didn't even want me to be there. We talked about and and hour after that kinda the same stuff, then he fell asleep and I went home. I had so much stuff going through my mind, that was the first night I had seen him in 4 days and he didn't even give me a hug or kiss me. That hurt me so much but little did I know the worst was just yet to come. The day after that I messaged Christopher because I knew something was up, he hadn't messaged me all day not even once, I sent him a message pretty much telling him to tell me where he stands because I don't know what to do. And then. On the 7th of January at 7:40pm, was the worst day of my life. Christopher sent me a message about how great and sweet and caring I was, and then told me that this was all too much for him and that he needed to find himself, and see other people and that's when he broke up with me. Just the first 2 lines of that message I knew exactly what he was saying. I immediately started bawling my eyes out, I didn't know what else to do, I was with Alex and destiny And I said to alex "okay so he's breaking up with me" she stared and "no he isn't" she couldn't believe it, neither could I, with tears runny down my face as I finished reading the message, I handed her my phone to read when I was done. She looked at me and said "Shelby I am so sorry" I could feel the empathy in her voice which made me cry harder, destiny told me that she loved me, what else was there to do then to be there for me in that time. They are truly my bestfriends. And that night about 15 minutes I went over to his house, he was at work and I went to go tell his mom the news. I walked up to her and could barley speak when I said the words "Christopher broke up with me" she gave me a hug and asked me what happened, me not really knowing how to say or what especially while crying as hard as I was, handed her my phone so she could just read for herself. After she finished she hugged me again and I cried to her like a baby, Christopher was my life, how am I going to live without him. We talked alittle more and then hugged and I left, she was quite upset with Christopher with what was going on especially breaking up with me through text. She said she would message me later when he got off work so me and him could talk about things in person. I was so scared but I thought maybe talking in person would change his mind about everything. He had messaged me telling me I could come over, but before that I had messaged him and asked him "So you pretty much don't like me anymore? That's what I got from "I can't say something there when it's not" please explain" and then "Like I don't understand. What made you want to say all of this?" And he didn't answer the question, he just kept saying we could talk in person about it, so o went over there. When I first walked in everything was fine. He was in his room, so I walked to the door and just when I was about to put my hand on it, I froze. I couldn't get myself to open it. I went to the bathroom and cried, I was in there for about 5 minutes then he texted me and asked when I was coming, I told him I was already here and I was in the bathroom, and I was too scared to go in his room. And he replied with "we need to have a conversation " and I said " yeah I know that was my plan then you broke up with me" and then he said "we need this talk" and I said "I know, I'm just scared to hear what is going to come out if your mouth". And I was right to be scared, I had every fear that I could have ever had going through my head and it was all about to come true. I finally got the courage to go to his door, I stood there with my hand and the door knob, and I twisted it, now o had to go in, there was so turning back. I walked in and Christopher was setting on his bed listening to music. I sat on the bed a couple feet away from him, and he started talking. Talking about his dad, talking about his family, telling me stuff he had never told anyone. Then he started talking about us, about how he doesn't think he's the right person to be able to help me and car for me because I am really sensitive and sweet and he's hateful and acts like and asshole when he doesn't mean it, and that we have 2 different personalities. And that he thought it wouldn't work. He told me he maybe one of those people who never get married, who never find that one person, who die alone, and he was fine with that. That's what really hurt me, it's like he wasn't trying to make us work. He told me that we still did care about me and he still did like me, but he needed to work on himself. He talked for an hour longer about everything. He told me that he wished he would have just stayed friends about a week and a half of dating. He apologized I don't know how many times. But "I'm sorry" wasn't good enough for me at the time. And he asked me if there was anything that I wanted to say. I had been bawling my eyes out since the minute he started talking. I didn't know what I wanted to say like it was in my mind but I couldn't get it out. I said "do you know what today is?" And he said "no what?" And I said "guess" and he said " anniversary." And I said "yep". Today January 7th 2020, was our one month anniversary of dating. He didn't say anything after that. I said "I would change anything about me if I meant we were gonna stay together" he said "I don't want you to change" and then I said "I was hoping coming over here and talking about everything we were gonna get back together" I grabbed my phone and said "I'm going home" and then I walked into the kitchen where his mom and stepdad were, and told them the same, I almost couldn't get it out I was crying so hard huffing. His mom hugged me and was talking to me about it, me and her went outside to smoke a cigarette and talk. We talked for about 30 minutes then I left. We had a small conversation thru text on the 8th which was the day after. Kinda talking about the same stuff but I don't a better understanding then, we'll alittle. That same night around 11:03 pm, Christopher was at the gym and I messaged him and told him that I seen his stepdad, Paul dropping him off, when actually his mom told me that he was at the gym and she told me not to tell him. She was worried that he wouldn't have a ride home because he was going to the gym so late and they would be asleep when he was done. So I messaged him telling him that I would pick him up when he was done, he messaged back and told me if I wanted to talk for a sec that I could come up there and we would talk. And I was so nervous and so scared, but I was gonna do it. I got there and I stood in front of the door so that he could see that I was there, he came out and I was standing next to the wall. I was waiting for him to talk, I didn't know what he was going to say so I didn't know what i was supposed to say. He started talking and he would barely look at me, but I was trying to keep contact, I wasn't drunk but I was tipsy, but wasn't crying yet so that a good thing. We were talking about the same stuff over, I think he told me so many times what he had to say because he doesn't want me to think that he doesn't care about me at all, because he does, this is just something he has to do, he has to love himself before he can love anyone else. He had told me that he had talked to his little sister Khloe and that I tried to explain it to her the best that I could, which I did. And he told me I could come over and see Khloe anytime that I wanted, and his mom and his mam. He knows I love them just as much as he does, he obviously loves then more, but you know what I mean he told me it was hard for him to look at me especially with me crying just because of everything that had happened. I cried a little more when he was talking, and when we were done, I wanted to ask him so bad if I could give him a hug, but I was nervous he would reject me. But I was like screw it I really can't get any worse than this, I asked him and he shook his head yes. His hug was distant but felt good, I started crying practically sobbing, I hadn't hugged him in 4 days. I felt so safe in his arms, there was no other place I wanted to be, I didn't want to let go but I had to. I let go, I was crying so hard I couldn't look at him, I went to my car and started bawling my eyes out, I was telling destiny what all that had happened. Honestly not really remember lot because I was intoxicated, but just the main parts that was mess a lot for me to take in, we left. I then came up there a little later and asked him what time he was going to be done because I was gonna take him home, he told me that's was okay and he was fine with it, and that he would text me, but even tho he said that he really didn't want me to take him. Then he promised me that he would tell me when he was done, but not even 15 minutes after he texted me saying that he was already on his way home and he was walking I found him and took him the rest of the way home, I dropped him off, and I cried. I am so I'm love with him I don't know what to do. I messaged him later that day around 3:20pm and just asked him how he was doing, he said "I'm doing ok I got some vans and boots in Crossville" and I told him that was good and that he could text me anytime he needed to talk to someone, and asked for a pic tore of the shoes, he said when he got hime he would send me a picture of them, and I replied with something okay don't forget about me because I wanna see them when you get home. About 4 hours later his mom called me and asked me if I could come over for a sec and I was like yes I'll come over, I was freaking out let me just tell you that. So I got over there and Christopher was in his room and I was in the living room talking to his mom, she wanted to to get ahold of my brother because they were going to buy some weed, and got did I freak out for nothing. So I got that taken care of and I was just setting in the chair hanging out and talking to his mom and she was making dinner along with Paul. His mom went to Christopher's room because she was gong to ask if it was okay that I went in there to see his new shoes, and he got a fish. He said yeah that it was okay, so I went in there. The first thing that I had noticed was that he got a haircut, it looked so good, it made me want to just jump on him, but I couldn't do that we were only friends and we weren't that close anymore. He showed me what he had bought, shoes and a fish, he named him frank. I went back in the living room with his mom. And after about 10 or 15 minutes she had came through the hallway to talk to him and came back and said "Christopher said if you wanted to go in his room and talk to him you can" I was shocked and alittle freaked out and soooo nervous. I sat on the bed and we just started talking and laughing about stuff and even play fighting like nothing had ever changed. Everything seemed to be okay. I kinda picked up alittle stuff in his room like I used to do, just to be friendly. After a bit dinner was ready and me and Christopher and his little sister ate in his room. Then about an hour and half later I was ready to go, everyone was in the living room. I gave Khloe, his mam and mom a hug, I wanted to give Christopher a hug but I was too scared that would be too much for him, so I didn't. I went outside and was talking to his mom and smoking. She told me she was surprised I didn't give me a hug, and I told her why I didn't. Then I messaged him and said "I didn't know if you were comfortable with me hugging you so I didn't, I just wanted you to know" and he's replied with "I don't know I don't want things to get weird" and I said " I understand" which I did but like I don't get it. It's like everything was okay and like it was when me and him were just friends. I was getting mixed signals from him really bad. I know he doesn't how to express his feeling and how he feels about anything really which is hard for me. But I do get it. It's not easy for everyone to do it. I talk to his mom everyday, asking how she is, Khloe, mam and of course Christopher. But I after a while I old her I wouldn't text her as much, I didn't want to make Christopher uncomfortable. Because I knew he was. It was exactly 7 days after our break up that he messaged me telling me he didn't like it when me and his mom talk, he didn't like it when i asked her about him, he said I was holding to hope that wasn't even there, and he knows I fall in love easily, but it was one month. What the fuck else was I supposed to do? I couldn't message him because it was "weird", talking to her was the only way that I could keep in touch then any of them. His mom eventually that same day stopped replying to me. This is how it is my mine and Christopher's eyes he doesn't know how to love and he blames me for loving him. "I know you say that we were friends, but we weren't. Friends talk every once in while, text, tAlk on the phone, hangout. Just because the label "friends" made it sound better because you didn't want to hurt my feelings doesn't mean was anything. The only way for us to have been friends would be if we mutually felt the same, I wanted to be friends and you didn't want to hurt my feelings so why not we're "friends" but we are never gonna talk. And don't ask my mom about me because that's you doing too much. Even tho I know it's kill you mentally and physically to never be able to see me, and I never meant to tell you I love you that one night, but I'm gonna take it back because it shouldn't take much to get over that, bc it was just a month. I'm gonna make you feel like you have everything you ever wanted, and then I'm gonna leave, good luck." That's exactly how it was and how it happened. After everything that happened, I feel like I've been through 3 breaks up with the same guy in a matter of a week. I would say today January 14th, has been the worst day of my life but I really don't think so.