Expectations

Confusion

« What the f*** is that video?! » he yelled in my ear and I had to pull the phone way from it.
« Dad.. I didn't post this. I mean.. obviou- » I started but he cut me off.
« I don't care Stefani. It's out there. Do you know how much of a shame this is! Not just for you but for the entire family! » He exclaimed.
« Sorry dad.. » I mumbled and hung up as I was starting to tear up thinking about my entire life already.

Did you ever feel the need to be seen to exist? Did you ever feel like you needed to exist in the eyes of people to be able to live? Did you ever feel like your heart was seriously bleeding from the pain you were feeling? Did you ever feel lonely even on a stage surrounded by thousands of people? Because a day in my life as Lady Gaga isn't as joyful and fun as everybody would think.
I wake up every single morning at 4:30 or 5:00am. I start my day by meditation followed by exercising and a cold shower right after. My body gets soaked in a bath my team especially fills with ice cubes for me in order to empower my muscles and properly fight a very uncommon disease called fibromyalgia. From 6:30 to 8:00am, I have to get ready for the day so my makeup and hair have to be done by my team, I have to call my vocal coach and stay with him on the phone doing voice warm ups for at least 45 minutes followed by 15 minutes of repetitive high notes that sometimes lasts longer depending on when my voice breaks.
As soon as the multiple alarms set at 8:00am start ringing, I gotta be out to head to the studio where I stay almost all day long writing and recording songs. Don't get me wrong, I love making music but I know most songs I write and put my voice on will never come out to the world because they won't be considered commercial enough. I never leave the studio before at least 4:30pm. I directly head to the dance studio where I rehears until 6pm and then my chauffeur comes to pick me. He drives me directly back to my place where from 6:30 to 8:15pm or more, we talk about marketing strategies, performances, promotion, ideas, pop, concepts and art in general.
From 8:15 to 9:00pm, I finally get a massage that helps calming my fibromyalgia and from 9:00 to 9:30pm I have to call my vocal coach again to practices some vocal exercises in order to enlarge my vocal chords and be able to hit higher and also lower notes.
During the entire day, I don't get any real break, I get followed all day long and since few months now, I can't manage to go out without feeling fear deep in my heart. As soon as I put a foot outside of my place or hotel, I am surrounded by tons of people. Flashlights from paparazzi blinding me, people yelling around and trying to pull me to them, my bodyguards sticking to me as if they were part of my own body.. everything is just too much for my brain to handle.

"Stef?" I suddenly heard.

I turned and saw Bobby facing me surrounded by Sarah and Frederic followed by Bo in the back.

« They're working on deleting the video from all the different platforms but if Christian still has it, he can repost it anytime. » Bobby announced.
« Maybe you can call him and meet him and.. fix the problem? » Sarah said.
« The problem? The only problem is me not being with him anymore. »

How was I even going to solve this? As if life wasn't complicated enough already..