Sterling's Notes

1 August 2019

Its been 2 years since our breakup. The feeling of being hurt like its being stabbed right in your heart is remain there. Hoping that it will rott. But it doesnt. I know breakups can be hard and just gotta walk it off, moving on to our lives. You burn all the things you had or just throw it away to help you move on. But not me. I took it too far.

Still keeping his first ever gift that he sent to me. A lovely butterfly necklace. It reminds me the crazy memories i had with him. Even though its just through texts and facetimes. But, that necklace makes me more closer to him. Its like im being with him. Physically not only through visual. He was my 2 nd boyfriend that i had serious relationship with and one of the best. No guy could every replace him in my heart. His childish behaviour makes me laugh and his maturity makes me more even understanding to the world. Our thing is always texting in capitals. But when its about something serious, we turn it off. Yeah. My friends thinks thats legit crazy or stupid. They were not wrong. He is, and one of the things what i like about him. Everything was so perfect until.. this tiny problem appeared.
My religion and his arent the same. He obeys rules in his religion and im not really sure that i complete understand with mine. He conviced that his religion was the only way to go to heaven. Thats what in the bible said, he said. I was confused at that time. Why would he date me if he doesnt fully accept me for having something that have since i was born? And then another thought came to me: should i leave my family just for him? If i do, i will disappoint my mom who raised me and fought the world for me just so i can go to school and have food in my stomache, have a shelter to sleep, a tv and a phone to entertain. Wouldnt that be cruel and a traitor? I immediately throw that thought away and keep my relationship with him going.

Honestly. No one can ever replace him. He describes all my perfect type of guy that i want to be with. Hes perfect. Hes smart, funny, loves to make me smile, even tho im sad or having a bad day he always try to cheer me up or at least makes me smile, mature but acts like a kid, loves cartoon, do silly faces, sends crazy videos like hundreds of them, text in capitals, call pet names, its like we have our thing to text in caps but if its a serious situation it wont be on caps, not ever letting me give up on my dreams and goals, have goals and future plans, tell secrets and gossip stuff, always have my back.

But the thing is, he wasnt loyal to me. I know deep down he is its just that our religion and his very fanatic with his religion. Cheated on me. Always breaks my heart whenever i think of it. Makes me cry almost everynight. I moved on from him but, my heart still wants him back. I tried to resist. But, my heart couldnt.

It doesnt matter to me. I will always still love him. I dont know how long i can keep my secret. Even though he knew or idk. Sometimes, i just want him to feel my pain and heartbreak when we broke up. Like being stabbed so many times but couldnt die.