03 The act of behaving selfishly

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In the end Riley blamed everything on Texas

Texas was where things had changed where truths had come out of months of hiding and where other truths were buried beneath mountains of lies And it was where Riley had learned how easy it was to break her own heart

But of course that's not what happened at all Now everything was different and it was all her fault Why had she told Lucas that she only thought of him as a brother why had she pushed Maya right into Lucas arms and Lucas into Maya's why why why why why Because she would tell herself at night when the tears were pooling and her heart was heavy Maya deserves to be happy and if Lucas makes her happy and Lucas likes Maya then why should Riley stand in the way of that Riley is the pretty brunette who never gives up on anyone or anything and no sacrifice is too big for her friends a mantra she repeats to herself at 3am when her own lies come back to haunt her and just wants everyone to be happy even if she's letting herself fall apart

It was easy enough to convince herself that she was OK that it didn't hurt when she saw Maya and Lucas in the hallway shoulders touching or that she didn't see the way Lucas mouth twitched into a smile when Maya made sarcastic comments in her dad's class she thought she was doing a pretty good job of convincing everyone else too even if she never really believed herself

Until charlie came along To say that Riley was surprised when he asked her out would be an understatement she almost said no It was too soon scars from Lucas and Maya too fresh but then she saw Lucas look at Maya and Maya look at Lucas and neither one of them look at her and suddenly they were Maya and Lucas and she was just Riley and before she could control herself the words

Riley- Yes charlie I'll go on a date with you

Were spilling out of her mouth

She shouldn't have been surprised that Farkle had seen right through her he had always been able to read her better than she could read herself sometimes But she pushed what he said aside because Maya was her best friend her sister and Maya deserved happiness more then anyone Riley knew and Riley would be willing to do anything for Maya to be happy

She wished oh how she wished and prayed that she could fall for charlie charlie who was sweet and easy who smiled at her in the hallways and held doors open for her It would solve all her problems It would be easy to be with charlie But feelings aren't easy and they aren't manipulate again how she wished and she prayed that they were And as sweet and easy as Charlie was as respectable as he was on their date walking her to her door kissing her on the cheek squeezing her hand and telling her he would see her at school the following Monday she couldn't will herself to fall for him

And oh how she had tried she tried to tell herself that he gave her butterflies and that his kiss on her cheek had made her walk in the knees But when she awoke the next morning she couldn't even remember when cheek he had kissed which hand he had squeezed and when she closed her eyes all she could see was green eyes haunting her and a blinding smile that she used to think was reserved just for her and suddenly she wants to be sick

She stays in bed all day following her date with charlie trying begging pleading with her own subconscious to try and find something memorable to hold onto but when night falls and Riley hasn't moved she knows that she's failed and she's doomed to just continue on being Riley But she should have known that it wasn't going to be that simple no life was never that simple

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