The bliss of submission

The voidness

Aria

      I am not very good at introductions but I will give it a go so you all can understand me better. I moved to London to pursue my dream of becoming a teacher. I am currently a student in the university of Salford. I have always wanted to share the knowledge I gain with others and according to me, there is no better way to do that than being a teacher so here I am, in an unknown country bettering myself.

Now onto my beloved family. I have a normal family back in Texas and when I say they are very conservative like in Victorian age , I am not exaggerating. I had to fight a great deal to come to England but I am grateful that I had a great childhood and all. To be precise I have had no traumatic situations in my life and I have been lucky enough to have everything I want in life. My parents made sure to provide me and my brother a comfortable life.

Here in England I live with a friend who takes the same classes as mine. We live in an apartment near our college. We have classes on Tuesday through Thursday from 9 a.m. to 1 p.m. In my free time I write contents for various websites. It's quite stressful but it pays well and also helps me learn about new things in different fields and I can work at any time I want so it's a win win situation for me.

I have a life so many people can only dream of. I have an unproblematic family, great set of friends, a good career, financial stability, and whatnot but I am not truly happy. It's not that I am complaining. I am really grateful and blessed to have this life but I always feel empty in my heart and also heavy, as contradictory as it sounds . I get too lonely even when I am surrounded by my family and friends.

Now you all may wonder why not find a boyfriend if I am that lonely. I know I figured that as well. I too thought that may be it was what I wanted to feel alive but I was so wrong about that. I did have a boyfriend till last month . We were together for 2 years and I broke it off when I found that he was cheating on me and also I always knew he wasn't right for me. I didn't feel it with him. I was bad for him.

I know I said "I was bad for him". I really was. I was manipulating him into a person I have always dreamt of being with. Someone who is more dominating than I am . I am a little bit of a control freak myself so I don't why I yearn for someone that can control me because I know it's not a good combination. I would often ask my ex to be more demanding and at times I even ask him to be abusive towards me. Can you believe that? Asking someone to hit you so that you feel complete. He was confused and disgusted by my requests and so was I . I hate myself for wanting such things. I feel guilty for feeling that way . I really do.

I feel disgusted by my sick fantasies. I have always been that way . Even as a child I have always wanted my parents to be very strict with me and wanted them to discipline me but they never did. They never even scolded me harshly let alone hit me. I was so jealous of my friends who were punished by their parents. I know what you all are thinking , I know I am sick in my mind and I can't help it. Being a staunch supporter of feminism makes it even worse. I should not call myself a feminist when I wish for a man who can slap me and control me but I do want to be independent and want women to be treated equally as men.

Being raised by a conservative parents doesn't help me either. I am still a virgin and I have not watched porn or pleasured myself ever. Not that I am innocent I know what sex is and how it works but I have never really wanted to do it so I abstained myself from those unholy deeds but I can't seem to help myself from my unholy mind. I have cried many times in the church asking Him to cure me and make me normal. Now I have even stopped visiting the church because I feel dirty and impure.
I feel the voidness inside my heart eating me alive everyday. The void that can be filled only by someone who can control me. Where am I gonna find someone like that? Will I be able to give him control over me?