My Brain

                In July of 2018 I developed meningitis and encephalitis that almost took my life and to this day there isn't a clear cause as to why it happened. Perhaps some fluke with a weakened immune system due to immunosuppressive therapies for the last decade? A mosquito bite or a spider bite? No idea, but I have my opinion as to why. I wanted to write down my version of what happened to me so today I will. I reminisce about different thoughts and behaviors of that summer but I'm not sure they actually happened or how skewed they might be. I writing this in hopes that I can help better understand the timeline of that one time my brain became infected.

July seemed to be a pretty normal summer month in the mid-west, it was hot and muggy with a ton of mosquitoes and bugs. My son was 14 months old and my husband was still adjusting to his new position with CAT Paving. We had recently moved to Big Lake, MN and we all were still adapting to our new life. I stayed home with Finley during the day and we would play with toys and do our normal routine. I would walk with some of the lady neighbors during the lunch hour where we would converse about our children. Some days we wouldn't talk much, but just enjoy the sunny weather. Our community is a newer development with lots of construction of new homes being built daily. It's surrounded by farm fields which are tucked back in the country roads. We are a mile away from the "big lake" where there is a sand park, skate park and picnic benches with grills. There is a dock for boats or jet skis and tons of spots to fish.

I remember the first time we took Finley to swim in the lake. We packed up some blankets and a picnic of sandwiches then made a home on our place in the sand. We took him into the water which was chilly, but felt nice on the humid day. Finley was nervous looking all around at the people and slowly warming up to the water. I remember being scared because I had never swam in a lake before and I didn't want anything to touch me. Luckily nothing happened and we played in the water and enjoyed our lunch together as a family. This is my only clear memory of that month.

During that summer I would drink how I normally would drink, a few beers every couple of days and maybe a hitter or two to relax in the evenings. Some of my favorite memories with my husband are just having some drinks together and conversing about anything and nothing. On two or three different occasions during June and early July I would drink a beer and have a sharp pain in my stomach that was not like anything I had experienced during the recent months. I would brush it off and assume it was because of my crohn's disease which to me, were normal pains. On these few occasions I would also experience nausea and vomiting with the stomach cramping. I figured since I wasn't on any strong dose of medications that I was going into a "flare-up". I voiced to my husband that it seemed like my body is telling me that maybe I need to stop drinking and that I was rejecting any amount alcohol that I would consume. I even started to research AA meetings to help motivate me into a new way of living. I had obsessive thoughts of being an addict and I was genuinely concerned I had a drinking problem, which is something I do not believe about myself. I began to experience a distaste for food but I would still eat because the weed encouraged it. Looking back at these few tiny details it brings a lot of questions as to what may have triggered the month to come.

At this time I was also on Zoloft, an antidepressant that was given for my post partum depression. My doctor and I decided it would be best to increase the medication due to the move and the amplified anxiety of having a one year old in a new city. Oddly enough with the higher dose of medication the more anxious and almost erratic I felt. When I look back it all feels very hazy and dream like. It's a similar feeling after you wake up from anesthesia and you're trying to figure out what the hell happened. Maybe it was the combination of medication and the alcohol, but I can't help but feel there was something more there.