I Don't Date

I didn't date in high school because I was shy and couldn't imagine dating any of the boys I went to school with. 

Plus, underneath inside, I couldn't risk him meeting my parents.

I didn't date in college because doing so would mean he would eventually ask about my parents. Would want to meet them and question why he couldn't. 

And I couldn't handle such questions because I didn't know what to say. You're not supposed to lie to the one you love.

But how can they love you when you have your parents, who made you so damaged.

I didn't date in college because, when I did, they asked about my dad and I didn't know what to say. 

How do you explain that to a boy you like? How do you explain that you're not close to your dad because you don't think he loves you?

And you can't have him seeing that, because he's gonna start realizing that he made a mistake with you. 

Just like your dad did. 

He's gonna start seeing it all and realizing that there is nothing good in you. 

Just ask your father.

I didn't date after college because I couldn't explain why I disappear from everyone for days, or weeks, at a time. 

How do you tell a boy you like that you're so sad inside you can't even get out of bed? 

Or, that even talking is exhausting. 

You can tell him it's not him, it's you, but he doesn't see it. 

He doesn't get it, doesn't understand it. 

And he'll leave you anyways for it.

I didn't date after college because my dad died. 

And I found him. 

And part of me believes I killed him. 

And I couldn't chance that simple question of, "what are your parent's like" being asked. 

Because I haven't met a new person yet. Everyone in my life knows about his death. 

How it happened. 

Why it happened.

 I haven't had someone ask me how my dad is, what he does for a living, how he is like as a person. 

And I can't chance that being asked now. 

Because then I have to say it.

And there's no way to explain it, or all the feelings that coincide with it.

I didn't date because my dad made me feel that I wasn't good enough to love.

I didn't date because I knew they'd want to meet him and I couldn't let that happen. 

I don't date because I can't face them asking about him.

I don't date because I don't love myself and I don't see how anyone else could.