Grey III - Revelations

Prologue:

My chest was filled with the closest thing to joy I could ever remember, but it was short-lived, I knew it would be. Everything has a cost. We still had the same trials before us; my father, the prophecy, our broken Clan. I still had Ambriel haunting me, though now I knew she was real, not just a manifestation of a failing mind. And she was going after Kael, to break his mind or hurt him, or worse. I didn't know what she was really capable of.

The selfish part of me was glad she was real. I was glad I wasn't going insane, or at least, not at the rate I had previously thought, but even that was bittersweet. I didn't want my father to truly have the ability to bring his loyal back. Was Juda still alive, or half-alive? Who else from my past was still out there in this new form? What could these second-beings do?

Ambriel could go unseen, could infiltrate the Vault, could disappear at will. And yet she could still hurt me, still have enough of a hold on some corporeal form to be able to cut me, to have me feel her next to me, sense her presence. At least I could feel her near the end, once she had gained strength or a better hold in our world, in me.

I tried to not think of what she would do when she found Kael. I told myself we'd get there first, but then what would I do? What would I say? Apologize for what I was and then admit to my brother I had let his love die because she was dark, that I had killed her? How much could I expect him to forgive? And I didn't even have an inkling of where to start searching for them. As much as I had kept some kind of watch over Jordan in our time apart, I knew nothing of where my other Clan members had gone or what they were doing. Nevaeh was good at disappearing when she wanted to.

I should have put more effort into finding them, tracking them, but I had thought any influence from me, any attention from me would only be a danger to them, a bigger target on their backs. I had hoped they would be spared from association with me in my father's eyes after they left. It had been a vain hope, and I knew that now. Their abandonment couldn't sever years of ties. My father wasn't a stupid man, he wouldn't underestimate me, not again. He would use every angle he could, including everyone and anyone from my past in order to hurt me, manipulate me.

My conversation with Jordan had been a mixture of joy and misery for the same reason. Nothing was simple, nothing was straight forward, and though I was starving to taste the first positive emotion in months, there was still terror in that small triumph. I had my Pair back, which meant she could now be taken from me, used against me. What if my nightmares came true? What if my father could turn her, twist her, what if he tortured her, killed her? What if Ambriel did? What if she took away my partner just like I had tried to separate her from Kael?

What good is power if you can't protect the ones you love?

As much as Jordan was my strength, she was my biggest weakness as well. The Book of Dust had made that clear. It seemed everything around me existed within the tension of paradox. Weakness was strength, joy brought fear, my family meant both strength and danger, love was my answer and mistake, emptiness was desired yet damaging, feeling was defeat, even my sanity meant dire consequences.

My nausea had only left for a few minutes, but now, thinking of Jordan being captured and killed because of me, because of what she was to me, thinking of the impossible decisions facing me, where no answer seemed right, the sickness was back. I felt infinitely better and yet still just as destroyed. I felt safer and somehow even more in danger, a peace and a tempest inside my head sharing the same space.

A part of me felt guilty for the small happiness I felt. That happiness meant Jordan was mine again, something that could very well be her destruction. I knew my words had been selfish, I knew they had been stupid, but what choice did I have? I also knew I needed her, I had been foolish to ever pretend I didn't, that I could fight our connections, be strong without her. And she wouldn't have left me anyway, not after what she had heard, after whatever epiphany she had. I saw the determination on her face, the same look she'd had when she refused to leave my room on my mother's anniversary.

She wouldn't have let us continue on as we had. She didn't hate me anymore, she wasn't even pretending to hate me anymore, or trying to. But we couldn't be like I wanted, like she wanted. We couldn't be seen as close, or at least not close in any intimate way, a Human way, not out in our world that only saw connections and closeness as targets and leverage. No, we had to be what True Pairs meant to the rest of the world; pure power, something to envy but also something to fear.

Our power was from our bond, a curse coated in a thin blessing. Sentimental Humans might believe that love is the greatest power, but we would prove it is not. Power is the greatest power, and we had to be sure that neither of us would give it to my father, even in order to save each other. We were already in his sights, and I knew he had plans to use us against the other, to exploit the strength and weakness that Pairs like us were, but it would be blood in the water if the rest of the dark knew of our deeper affections.

I wished there was a better answer, a better solution, but I knew I couldn't be who Jordan wanted me to be. I couldn't be close to her, be open with her, I couldn't allow that kind of weakness into myself. I couldn't allow her to strip away my armor like I knew she would. I needed her as a Pair, but I couldn't have her in the way I truly wanted.

How very characteristic of my life, to never have anything good, to never have what I wanted. But regardless of my decision, of the pain it would cause us both, one thing would be different this time; I would tell her. I had to. Even though she wouldn't agree, at least she would know. I wouldn't lie to her any longer, never again, she deserved that much.

I cursed under my breath that I hadn't told her right away, told her I wouldn't be able to change for her, that I wouldn't ever be worthy of her, that I would only get harder, not softer, that I would only become more and more of a Half as I lost more and more of what it meant to be a man. That she would have a front-row seat as I destroyed myself and became a worse creature, as I lost each grain of goodness she seemed to believe was in me. Humanity was only weakness, hearts were weaknesses, and she was my heart. So, I could never show it, never show my feelings for her, never show my heart to a world who would only stamp it out. But at least she would know why this time. I was done keeping things from her, I had learned that lesson many times over.

Short beginning to whet your appetites...

But, I did promise new works upcoming. Please note, this is all unedited and might change/be deleted/be so heavily modified it's basically unrecognizable, but hey, I've never written-then-posted before, only written-changed-edited-changed-posted-edited more-etc. So you're witnessing my first, ever rough drafts.

Hope you enjoy! More coming...

T