Golden-Jewelled Halos (What He Made Me #2)

3.

3.

Dear Diary,

I went to our place in the woods again today. Maybe hoping I would find him there. Maybe even find myself, as my heart still floats among those trees, it has ever since he left.

I am so lost, but for some reason I go there and just listen to the trees and I feel a little at peace.

I lie on the forest floor, staring through space as tiny snowflakes of light fall to my face.

I imagine he is here, with me, as we always were.

The soft sway of the canopy is like him whispering to my soul.

An echo of his voice, of all his promises, our life together.

His voice is an external goodbye.

An external lie.

Riley

Coming back to reality was like jumping out a building and slamming hard onto stone floor. It knocked the wind out of me, and suddenly I’m gasping and weeping, clutching at my chest.

Riley.

I remember her reaching out and grasping my clammy hands as we arrive at a new care home. Her giving me that no nonsense look, hard eyes and a straight mouth, showing me that we had to be strong. Her pulling me into her arms as I cry, curling up in the same bed at night as the loneliness eats away at us.  Her scribbling in her diary at night; that old beaten up book that never left her side.

I remember her eyes that even through our hardships never lost their sparkle, that mischievous glow that showed the childish part of herself that she locked away in order to be there for me. I remember the way in which she twirled her hair around her finger when nervous and twitched her nose when something displeased her.

She’s gone and now a gaping hole is left where my heart once was. Her absence is so present, I’m alone now and it feels as if I’m standing on an ice plain - cold, alone, lost.

The pain is agonizing. Knowing she’s gone, that’s she’s never coming back. She’ll never hold me again; tell me that it’ll be okay, that we’ll get through it together.

Riley was everyone and everything to me, as I was her. She was my best-friend, my sister, my double and my anchor. She held me firmly in place, upright and strong, when the grief of our loss threatened to take over. We were each other’s world. My whole existence was to get by, with her by my side.

I feel as if half of who I am has been ripped apart from me, as if I’ve been torn completely in two. Riley was a huge part of I am, her absence has left me with only an equation of who I once was.

I remember her face in that last memory, the blood staining her golden hair red. Her eyes lifeless, staring straight through me.

I didn’t even get to say bye.

I feel a hand slide to frame my face, and look up through a cloud of unshed tears to see the face of my visitor. He brushes his thumb under my eye, wiping away a tear. This startles me back to my current situation, I can mourn for Riley later – right now, I need to find out where the heck I am and what the hell is going on.

I spring to my feet and furiously blink away tears, then I turn and regard my visitor. Having decided I wasn’t in any immediate danger by him, through if not purely the strange sense of safety my instincts seem to be relating with him, also the fact he saved me from whatever killed my sister.