All the Stars

The swing

My back lays against the soft covers of my white bedsheets

In my bedroom, I stare at my plain white ceiling.

And in that moment,

I think that everything is okay.

Like I could lay there forever and ignore everything that's on my mind,

I could escape from all troubles in the world.

For once, it could be.... good. For once, it would be okay.

Nobody could bother me here

I'm on my own.

My mind clouds with negative thoughts as I leave my bed.

I walk down the halls in this modern house of innocence.

Little do they know, the walls are bleeding with secrets.

Scars cover my body as I put on a heavy jacket.

Warmth. How good the warmth of my own body feels like.

I grab my black sneakers and cover my little toes.

Reach for my royal blue beanie as it covers my dark, brown hair.

I take hold of my grey headphones and put them on my head.

Music is my escape, music is the only escape I have in this world.

As I'm preparing to leave this filthy house I once loved,

I take a peek into Dad's bedroom.

Sound asleep, my cue to leave.

I shut his door carefully and quietly.

Go down those wide, orange like stairs.

Open the front door and close it silently.

He can't. He can't hear me. I can't let him.

I take one step outside as the cold breeze hits my small rigid body.

November. Just how I like it.

I walk down my long street. The sound of colourful, dead leaves crumbling underneath my sneakers.

I hear the whooshing of cars passing by me.

The sound of life. The sound of peace.

I walk down the sidewalk as it enters a glorious park.

I can't help but notice there is a swing.

A swing that's lonely, left, abandoned. A swing that's more often used when good climate conditions are present. But left when its covered in the coldness of snow.

I am like the swing, I think to myself. I am just like the swing.

I sit down and allow my feet to kick up into the air.

Back and fourth.

My mind races. Why can't I always be here? Its soothing, relaxing... calm. Why can't I stay?

Life's moving, I tell myself

You have to move too.

If you come back to this swing 10 years from now.

Life will continue to move with or without you.

You must move with it.

But in this moment.

Its me, the cold, the swing, my thoughts.

Rocking back and fourth.

Silence. Peace. Freedom.

Just in that moment.
You wish It would always be like this.

But you know it won't

You know it never will.

You love to forget, you love to forget about all of it

You want to forget about that boys who teased you for being so uptight and stubborn.

The panic you felt as your mother threw plates at your father in the middle of the night

The beating you got for staying 10 minutes past curfew because of Cassandra's birthday party.

The embarrassment you felt when your teacher called you out in class

The pity you had for letting him touch you that way

The guilt you felt for not standing up for yourself

In this present moment, you grab your foot and forcefully stop the swing from moving. A wave of disappointment washes over you. You wished you could swing and forget everything. But such a sweet innocent experience is bombarded with the problems you go through. Its a shame, really. No matter where you are, your past haunts you like poison.

You come back

Your father in cold despair of you

The shame in his face as he tells you that you are nothing

That you are something he can crumble with his bare foot

He threatens to grab you by the hair and throw you onto the floor.

As if he doesn't know his words scar you enough.

His words cut you deep like a knife

Each time as the cruelty leaves his cold hearted lips,

The blade sinks in deeper

Who am I?

Who AM I?

Do I deserve to live?

Who will I be?

Who am I?

WHO AM I?

Nothing escapes my lips as I let out a soft weep

The knife already inserted multiple times

He walks away from you, hands covered in blood.

Evidence.

My weak body tries to grab a hold of itself.

I walk back to get away. Just get away from the monster whom I expected to be my angel.

I grasp onto the floor, hands covering my face, tears streaming down my face.

The phrases echo in my head

"You are nothing!"

"You are nobody!"

"You don't deserve to be here!"

"You don't DESERVE to be here!"

My mind races.

And that's when another wave of shame hits you again.

He was supposed to be the first man you love in your life. You promise yourself that you'll never be as impulsive as your mother.
You made a vow that you'll never fall in love with a man because all they do is hurt you.
And you are determined to keep your word.
I check the time.
2:00 am.
The last thing I see before I shut my eyes are the stars outside of the window.
Beauty. Innocence.
Hope.