Her Name

year fourteen

The girl stands in the old bathroom. She can remember her aversion towards it when she was little and she still agrees that it was more than a little discomforting.

She can't remember the last time she felt anything.

She stares at the bottle of pills. Maybe they could finally make her feel something.

The girl reaches out for it, her hand shaking. The bottle feels so solid in her hands, but she can't bring herself to pull it towards her.

All she can imagine is the look on her parents' faces and she couldn't bring herself to follow through. She knew that she shouldn't give up, but it was so hard.

"You were made to be queen."

She hears her mother's voice and she knows it's all over.

The girl opens the bottle and dumps the pills down the toilet before she can change her mind.

Running out, she buries her head into a pillow. She feels a hand touch her shoulder. "Yes?" she mumbles.

"We're going out to dinner," Jules says. He beams at her. "Mum and Dad are waiting."

The girl nods, staring blankly into her brother's eyes. She forces a smile before standing. "I'm ready."

Her parents are waiting at the bottom of the stairs. "How does it feel to know that you're graduating next week?" her mother says, laughing.

"Insane," the girl responds. She wasn't lying. She isn't quite sure how she even made it to this point in life. "Jules says we're going out for dinner?"

"Yes!"

The girl allows their excitement to carry her to the car. As soon as she sits down, she spaced out of the conversation, only answering when she hears her name come up.

"Hey, Sis, what do you wanna eat?"

Jules' voice pulls her out of her utter nothingness. "I don't really care. You order something you think I'll like."

"Alright!"

She looks at her brother, noticing for the first time in a long time how old he was. She still sees him as the little baby in that crib, and she can't quite piece together how he turned into the mature teenager he was now.

All she wants is that he doesn't end up like her.

When the food arrives, she eats it slightly robotically. She tries not to and sings out as many compliments as possible. It didn't really matter what Jules chose as it all tasted like ash to her, but it made him happy to know that he chose something she enjoyed.

She finishes her dinner, playing her part in the conversation. She didn't think people realized how easy it was to play the golden girl.

It isn't till when her family is walking out that she sees a small boy and girl running across the street after a dog. For the first time in a long time, she feels the smallest twinge of emotion.

They looked so much like her and Luca that she couldn't help but feel some regret. Pain as well  burst through the numbness.

It isn't until she sees the incoming car that the dam breaks and panic floods her senses. She doesn't notice that she is running until she realizes that the kids are right in front of her.

Throwing her arms out, she shoves them as hard as she can, barely able to take in their fear before she feels her body jolted into the air.

She falls back onto the pavement, a single tear running down her cheek. Oh, it felt so good to finally feel something.

She hopes that the boy and girl get so much more than she and Luca got. She hopes that they'll be able to make a million mistakes and learn. She hopes that they'll have a lifetime of laughter and love. Most of all, she hopes that they'll be able to go through all of it together.

Because that's what friends were for.