until dawn (marcus and bella )

chapter 15

BPOV

There is so much going on. I am desperately trying to make sense of everything but no matter how hard I try it just overwhelms me. I hear a screaming argument and flinch further into Dora who I'm clutching at with both hands like a lifeline. I feel frantic and terrified and I really don't understand why. I tried to listen as both Dora and Sulpicia explained but things were starting to get foggy then and all I wanted to do was curl up in Dora's lap and cuddle someplace safe. Which doesn't even make any sense! I'm not really a cuddly person normally, especially not with other women. I mean it's nice and I'm enjoying the cool feel of her hands running soothingly through my hair but that doesn't mean I'm not still confused about it.

On top of all that my wrist is aching something fierce. When I looked finally it was the same location spot where James' bite is located. I don't know what it means but I doubt this entire combination of effects is good.

Because despite all the confusion and reactions that are due to the outside world the second one inside my head is so much worse.

All my doubts and fears about having a real relationship with Marcus were at the forefront of my mind screaming at me in progressively louder tones. He is literally millennia older than me. Older than many religions, civilizations, languages. The things he's experienced, even thinking about it leaves me baffled.

I'm a girl who barely passed high school- that stemmed from which my dad died because of my deadbeat mother and completely left me unable to function for months. What do I have, really to make him even interested in me, let alone possibly keep his attentions? Even with a possible mate bond he's going to be bored of me within maybe a decade if I'm lucky then he'll rightfully move on and I'll barely be even a blip on his radar. Probably sooner if I screw up as royally as I'm constantly doing. I'll undermine his authority by accident and put the entire Volturi in danger. Not to mention all the money they've spent on me. I don't even have a job, at this point I'm completely broke and wouldn't be able to feed myself if it were not for Marcus.

And my God, I'm a virgin; he was married for centuries to another woman that I won't be able to live up to. Aro's sister at that. Edward wouldn't even let me make out with him including tongue. No touching, no sucking, no fondling, nothing. I'm going to fail big time. Well that settles it, I'm just going to have to leave. No way am I putting Marcus or myself, through all that misery.

An overwhelming sweep of pure depression comes over me at this decision. I'm going to deeply miss Marcus. I already ache for him. I push myself into Dora a little more as I start sobbing great loud devastated sobs at my realization. In order to not hate myself I need to leave the best thing in my life behind.

Before I can start planning anymore how to go about leaving with the minimum of fuss I am suddenly lifted up and away from Dora. I yelp and reach for her before Marcus' voice registers.

"My little one, shhh. It is me, Isabella. I've got you," he coos to me and in spite of my earlier thoughts I throw my limbs around him and attach myself like a limpet. I bury my hands in his hair and push my face hard into his shoulder. I wasn't even contemplating throwing myself on his mercy, and yet I cannot control my body it seems.

His arms are like cold bands of supportive steel holding me steady and close against him. One hand is threaded in my hair cradling my head against his shoulder.

It takes me a moment to realize I'm speaking to him, begging him. "I love you, Marcus, I love you so much. Please don't make me leave. I'm so sorry, so so sorry. I'll never live up to Didyme, I'll never be a good enough mate. But please don't make me leave, don't leave me. I don't want to be alone again, I don't want to be without you."