Shattered Trust

Chapter 2

Sergei's first eleven months in London were rather slow. There hadn't been much demand from Moscow, at this point most of the espionage had been happening in places like Berlin and places in the United States. Sergei had only had a few really specific objectives over the months, which usually had to do with either politicians or British officers who could have valuable information or be a threat to the USSR in some way. But most of the time he was only supposed to keep an eye out for anything he thought could be suspicious within the group of other spies in London. He really hoped to someday be transferred to somewhere like Berlin, that's where the real action happened. But for now, this was fine, it was still different and new and exciting.

This low demand left him with a lot of free time to spend. Ever since he arrived, he had noticed something different about London, something he had never seen before, but he couldn't quite put his finger on it. There was a certain energy about the city, yet he couldn't pinpoint why. With his free time, he often purchased political magazines and newspapers. He was fascinated with the free speech of London. There wasn't censorship like he had always lived with in the past. Anyone could just say anything they wanted and not have to worry about being silenced by the government. He had never felt disloyal to his home country, but after about six months of being there, he began to become disenchanted with his duties and the KGB and was almost mesmerized with the politics and ideas of this place. Over the course of 6 or so months, he had purchased every political magazine he could find, and every time he found a new one, he bought it. Soon he had an entire dresser drawer full of them. He also listened to political broadcasts of the radio, like the BBC. Soon he was so engulfed in all of this, he sometimes forgot why he was there and had to snap out of it. The last thing he wanted to happen was for his bosses back at Moscow to get suspicious.

Before moving to London, he had never really considered what life outside of the USSR would be like; he had always assumed that they were superior. Living out of the country made him realize that capitalism must make for a stronger and happier society and economy. He began to feel a twinge of guilt about helping to turn the lifestyle of countries like Great Britain into a lifestyle like he had lived his entire life in the USSR. Even just walking through the streets of London was an eye-opening experience. There were many businesses that were independently owned and operated, seemingly with very few regulations and overreach by the government. Everything in London felt free and autonomous, which was a stark contrast from how he had lived his entire life before. In London, anyone could just go out and buy a piece of land or start a business, and this fascinated him. And here in London, there was significantly less censorship of the media. People were allowed to have their own ideas, their own beliefs, their own lives. The USSR censored anything and everything in the media that in any way contradicted or questioned their government or leader. These feelings drilled into his mind, and he did his best to keep them out. He didn't think that only eleven months could change his views so much, but reading all the political journals and papers were extremely compelling. Soon, he was to the point of buying a new journal, magazine, or paper several times a week and listened to public broadcasts on the radio daily. He became increasingly engrossed in the politics and economy of this new place, and soon it was all he thought about. He wanted to be a part of it. When he began thinking thoughts like this, he became worried. He knew he was obligated to stay in the KGB, for several reasons. One being that he could be charged with treason if he left for the MI6 or the CIA. Secondly, he didn't feel that it was morally right to betray his country. His homeland, his superiors, the KGB had faith in him, and to betray that trust seemed like a terrible thing to do.

Thoughts of doubt in the ideas of the Soviet Union and his admiration of the political system in place in England became more and more commonplace for him over the months. Though he tried his very best to block them out, it soon became near impossible. He began to think that there was nothing to be done about the constant, drilling anxiety and guilt he felt constantly, and he came to accept it. Maybe it was normal. Maybe all resident spies had conflicting thoughts like this, transitioning from living under one form of government to another. But he just couldn't shake the nagging feeling that maybe he was different.