Amnesia

Finally Letting Go

My dad had met this girl named April and conveniently enough she had some girls around my age. Well one Saturday I went and stayed with one of them; Briana. We hung out and even had a really good time.. Up until Sunday morning. When we woke up we kind of just laid in bed, on our phones going through social media, you know the gist. Then I took it upon myself to start an argument with his new girlfriend on Instagram. I don't know what made me want to or really the motive behind it, I just did. Briana got involved and eventually we both ended up blocked, but Monday morning was the worst of it all.

A girl, whom I should not call by name, came up to me and started to go off on me for his girlfriend. She said that regardless if we are related, (which at the time we kind of was. My mom was in a long relationship with her uncle.) she will not hold back on smacking the hell out of me..

But I'm going to spare you the gory details of the argument and all the mean things she said.

Then 5th period rolls around and it's my gym period. I decided to tell my friends in that class the events that transpired earlier that morning. They all told me to confront his new girlfriend; go right to the source. The bell rang and we all went to lunch. Which I shared a lunch with her, by the way. I was standing in the lunch line and before I could even figure out what I was going to do or say, everyone knew my intentions. I had people coming up to me telling me to fight her and ways that I could go about it. If you knew me, you would know that I wasn't going to fight her. I wouldn't hit her unless she hit me and even then I wouldn't enjoy doing so. Fighting in high school is flat out a waste of time.

Regardless, before I could say anything to her, the same girl from this morning came up to me and screamed at me in front of the whole lunch room. This girl was shorter than me but relatively bigger than me, if that makes sense. I had never been in a fight before, much less confronted in front of all my classmates. I was more embarrassed than scared, if you want me to be completely honest. The talking dwindled and everyone was surrounded by us with their phones out, recording.

I froze.

I couldn't really even focus on what she was saying to me, I was more focused on everyone around us just observing, hoping one of us has balls big enough to swing. Before I knew it though, the teachers came and stopped it. Mr. Young made me follow him to the office and called my dad. My dad came to the school and surprisingly, he was more upset with me for not hitting her more than anything else. My dad's side of the family is really big into standing up for yourself and fighting for what you believe in, so when he saw me crying he was disappointed. He wants me to have a strong back bone but at the time I just, didn't. I freeze when getting screamed at and I mainly blame him and my mom's relationship for that. I can't handle anger or criticism.

I ended up going home and spending another day in bed. I tried to confide into my friends but they all told me that I ultimately deserved what was coming to me because of everything that I have said and done. I think it was at that point, I hit rock bottom in my high school career. My friends weren't talking to me, my dad was disappointed and mean, my mom was gone and stayed intoxicated, and the only person I could be vulnerable around wanted someone else. All I had was me and my thoughts.

We are going to forward a little bit, only because the months between that and now, is depressing. I didn't do much of anything besides lay in bed and wallow in self pity. Good news though, he and his girlfriend broke up and he actually messaged me. He wants to hang out and talk. I'm not sure if I trust it, but I'm still in the process of getting over him and if he wants to get back together I'm all for it. We made plans for him to pick me up and for us to go to his house.