Who could have guessed that today would be the day I'd see you again. Myself, walking alone along the small street of things to do that our town has to offer, and yourself, with someone new.
Say I had known that I would see you again today, I probably would have stayed home. In the comfort of my own bed, with my own cat, and my own misery of not knowing how you are doing, if you are seeing anybody, or even enjoying life. I liked not knowing. Perhaps because it had been easier that way.
It felt like a ton of bricks fell inside of my torso today, crushing and caving in all my internal organs. Not my heart though, that has become so solid of a piece of ice that it may as well be as hard as a diamond. However, the stomach, lungs, and bladder I have now learned are far more sensitive than the heart.
The twisting of my stomach. Seeing you was like having it split open in two, and watching slowly, carefully, as each and every butterfly you ever put inside of it flew out and away from me.
The blast of air leaving my lungs. The pain of trying to breathe again, and the quick panic when I realized it was not as easy as it had been before. I felt as though CO2 molecules were attaching to my blood cells, leaving me unable to ever taste the sweet sensation of breathing in and out normally again.
Suddenly anything I ever put into my body during our time together wanted to rush out as well. The fancy dinners, the cheap desserts, the copious amounts of wine, beer, and various hard liquors. I was able to maintain my composure there at least.
But say I knew I would see you again today. Honestly, I would have made an effort to look cuter than my average messy bun, faded jeans, and old hoodie ensemble. Then again, I guess that wouldn't have mattered because you did not see me. Did you?
Oh but I saw you; with her. The two of you were laughing and smiling and savoring each other's presence the way we once did together. Unlike us, though, you two seemed false. Fake as in too smiley, too interested, too perfect. Relationships are not supposed to be rainbows and champagne all the time though. They are meant to be dirty and messy; they are meant to be storms and warm craft beers. Of course there are the happy moments, but it is the tears and harsh words filling in between those moments that really define a relationship.
Chaos and quandary bring spice to a relationship; it brings excitement to the couple. Messiness is perfection in its own state; and boy were we messy.
Who knows? Maybe you were happy when I stumbled upon you today, or maybe you were just trying to convince yourself the same thing I have been trying to convince myself; that it is time to move on.
Seeing you today though, drinking coffee and eating pastries with some skinny blonde bitch, I had a little epiphany of my own. It came to me as I stood outside that double pane window, peering in on your mockery of love, that neither of us really want to move on. We are meant to be together. You and I versus the world, remember?
I just needed to get you to see it the same way.
