Disquieted.. and Witless..

When we "were" friends..

.. Do you remember when we were still friends?.. you understood me. not many people could do that.. remember when we used to hang out all the time?. elementary was fun wasn't it, the first person I would go up to at break was you.. we would talk and make jokes until break was over. I always make everything about you now, and its kind of embarrassing I guess.. I don't like you anymore to clear out. but I do want to stab myself..

It's Friday 4:55 PM, January 31 2020. And Im scared tomorrow I will feel lonelier than usual. that's to be expected, Im tired all the time now.. surly my friends wouldn't want to hang out with someone like that would they..? Since "she" isn't really my friend anymore, when I walk into the cafeteria in the morning I would have to look for people I know, or just sit alone.. Im kind getting used to it, But I don't want to be lonly. Whenever Im close to "Her" my first reaction is to run, or get away from her as fast as I can. If I can't, then I ignore. I don't know why my brain tells me to do that, but it does. I wonder what typical or random day will tomorrow be..? I'm not quite sure..

I don't hate you, And you know im ignoring you. but its my reaction. I do it so much that I do it out of habit..

 I cover my mouth with my sleeve when Im thinking of something,  just some doubts about friends. not really her, since we aren't really friends I guess.. I wish I didn't go to this school in the first place, yea it has kind teachers unlike some other schools, but some of the students, they don't really think of what's happening around them. Im guessing that's normal for other schools.

I seen both your "my views" It brings me back to when I saw you guys for the first time, holding hands. as the friend I was I was excited, but also, a bit-, sad I guess. but besides that, I have new friends I hang out with and its going great. Im having a bit more fun now a days, and although I do what to go back to the friend group at the tables.. It's too much for me right now. I have gotten used to being ignored by other friends, but im kind fine with it now. because I have new ones. I am unsure if they will all leave me after a year or two, But I am just glad that people respect me for who I am.

Because I don't want to be alone forever.. and I don't want to die knowing that...

And to be honest, and not lie.. I still do like you..