Behind us

A/N: Forgive me for any grammatical or punctuation errors you'll find, feel free to point them out, i'll correct them :) Anyway- enjoy <3  

Quick reminder- Mary is not pregnant in this one. Cheers.

~

You hug Mary. Not awkwardly. No, it is a genuine hug. You say something about keeping me in trouble but i can't hear it due to the wind blowing in my ears.

You like her, don't you? It was always a mystery to me. You never liked my girlfriends before, you found them stupid, never really bothered to remember their names. But it was somehow different with Mary, wasn't it?

Is this because she took care of me when you were gone? She took care of a dog you left while going on vacation, that's something you can be grateful for. That was it. All this time, it was you being grateful to Mary. Grateful for keeping me alive? No, I wasn't alive. I was just existing. Of all people you should know the difference.

When you came back, did you expect me to run into your arms and pretend that for 2 years i didn't go through hell? Let me tell you- the moment you jumped off that damn roof... Jesus, Sherlock.

You left me in pieces there, Sherlock- in the middle of the street, in front of St.Bart's Hospital. Your body hit the ground and I shattered like a mirror dropped by clumsy crew of movers.

All the king's horses and all the king's men

Couldn't put me together again

But Mary put me together again; slowly, day by day, month by month, until the only thing that reminded me of this bloody day was just a giant hole in my chest. Sometimes, when it was pretty windy in London, you could hear funny whistling sound that air made when passing through it. Funny...

And you were leaving me again, shattered. This time i shattered the moment you blowed Magnussen's head off. Everyone could hear it- anti terrorists, Mycroft all of them heard loud bang. Was it my heart or bullet exiting the barrel, the pressure of the explosion suddenly released? You said Mary was safe now, was it all about Mary? Was it worth it in the end? My hands in the air, eyes focused on you. Oh Christ, Sherlock, what have you done?

You look at me now and I really try not to look like I am about to have a full panic attack at the thought of you disappearing from my life again. I even smile. See? I am getting better at pretending I am okay...

You don't smile back, you look at Mycroft asking about some privacy with me. He looks surprised but doesn't question it.

My hands are sweating and I don't know why, there might be so many reasons. I am nervous and afraid.

You are my best friend, someone I would die for, someone I would kill for but you know that. I already did it after knowing you for less than 24 hours. Who does that? Now you killed for me, at least that's what I can assume, which is based on your twisted logic. This is insane. All of it is.

Mary and Mycroft move to the side, to not interrupt us. Our last conversation- that's what you said. After that I will never hear your voice again. The thought strikes through my head like the bullet that killed Magnussen. Suddenly I can't make myself look at you, damn it's hard. I can't understand why, we should get used to goodbyes by now.

I take a step closer, we are out of earshot which should be comforting if I actually knew what to say to you. What do you say to the person you are seeing for the last time?

Well it depends.

I can apologize- no, I have nothing to apologize for. Maybe for the punches I gave you when you came back? I never said sorry for them... but it doesn't matter, not now at least.