It's been months since I've seen Alex, but that doesn't mean she hasn't been in my life. Thoughts of her have taken up permanent residence in my mind and are on a constant playback loop. It has become so pervasive that I am starting to worry about myself. Am I obsessed?
I am certain that if Alex were privy to the scenarios that play in my head she would be rightfully alarmed. I have spent too much time online researching phrases like 'when you can't get someone out of your head' and 'how to turn off obsessive thoughts'. I am worried that I may have some sort of a romantic obsessive compulsive disorder. It's likely that I am feeling lonely and isolated.
I have gotten used to the emotional graveyard that is my marriage. I was content – in a small way – to focus on parenting and work and assume that I don't need romance or sex to be happy. Meeting Alex has undone all of the painstaking denial I have constructed for myself. Talking to her, with her, has been so easy. Hearing about her life and struggles reminded me how communication can make a person feel alive. Sharing interests with her gave me an innocent intimacy that I hadn't realized I was craving so much. I want more.
I tried talking with Em about my meetings with Alex and why I have enjoyed them so much. I keep my real feelings hidden while I tell Em about some of the conversations I have had with Alex. I tell Em how a new session of the mentorship program is starting, and I had asked Alex if she would be joining again.
"When I asked her she said she really enjoyed our time together and is not sure if she can replicate it!" I excitedly tell Em.
Em looks at me with a pondering look. I cannot tell what she is thinking. For a second I worry that I have given too much away and she now knows that I have developed feelings for another woman.
"What? Is this woman in love with you or something?" Em asks after staring at me silently for far too long.
I feel my cheeks turn hot as I issue a quick denial. "What? In love with me? That's silly – she's a married straight woman!" I protest.
The expression on Em's face is reminiscent of a nonchalant shoulder shrug. Any interest she had has disappeared. I may as well not have said a thing. Em retreats back into her self-protective shell while I am left to ponder. Is there any truth to what Em implied? Could Alex have any real feelings for me? The loneliness I feel is profound and causes me to latch onto this possibility. It occupies my thoughts well into the next day. The day that Alex is meeting me.
I arrive at work early in the morning. The bitter February chill is no match for my lighthearted mood. Alex is coming to my building – which is a first. I feel a bit honoured that our friendship means enough to her that she is willing to take time out of her day.
She isn't scheduled to arrive for another ten minutes, but I check my email just in case. I am surprised to discover and email in my inbox from her with the subject line 'Here – waiting in the lobby'. I gather my phone, money and floor pass before sprinting for the elevator. I had planned to be waiting in the lobby when she arrived. I didn't expect her to be early, I think as I impatiently wait for an elevator.
I quickly spot her in the lobby, sitting on one of the black leather benches. She is staring at the phone in her hand, aimlessly scrolling. I want to run up and grab her in a hug, but I refrain. Instead, I keep my walk casual and call out a 'hello' as I approach. She stands up and smiles when she sees me. Something flutters in my chest.
"Hey, friend," she says while opening her arms for a hug. Friend. I wonder how consciously she is using that word right now. Perhaps she is sending me a message?
Black flat-soled winter boots reveal her true height. This is the first time I have seen her without high heels on. She doesn't seem nearly as tall or intimidating. Her boots are matched with a black winter coat that has faux fur around the hood.
YOU ARE READING
A Girl Crush
General FictionI wasn't planning on developing feelings for anyone. In a stale marriage, I had come to a place of acceptance that I wouldn't become excited by the idea of having a partner ever again. Upon meeting Alex, it doesn't take long for me to realize that m...